What Are You Doing New Year's Eve? -- Addison/Noah/Morgan

New Year's Eve had always been one of Morgan Gellman's favorite nights of the year.  She liked the whole idea of starting fresh every twelve months, of taking stock and trying to right things you'd let get out of balance or maybe setting a new goal to push yourself out of a space that had gotten too comfortable.

This New Year's, though, her usual excitement over those ideas was tempered by the reality of how enormous an undertaking she was facing when it came to taking stock, to trying to right things that had become unsteady in her life.

Her marriage had been on shaky ground for years now; she knew that and tried not to lie to herself about it.  So it wasn't in trouble because of what had happened over the past year.  But what they'd been through, it hadn't made the situation any better either, despite the fact that after years of tragedy and disappointment, she and Noah were now the parents of a healthy baby boy named Adam.

They both loved their son deeply, and when it came to him, they were on the same page.  That was somewhere to start, she knew, but it was hardly a solution to what had been broken before Adam's conception and it was surely no fix to what had gone wrong as they'd awaited their baby's birth.

Noah had fallen out of love with her.  It was that simple.  Even before he'd fallen in love with another woman, he'd gone from being in love with her to just loving her, and nothing she had tried seemed to change it.  They'd been on the brink of ending things when she'd discovered her pregnancy, and now they were a family, but they were broken even though they lived together in the same house day in and day out.

He wasn't going anywhere.  He'd promised her that when he'd confessed that her suspicions about his feelings for one Addison Montgomery weren't as crazy as she'd tried to make herself think they were.  And then she'd confronted her former doctor and seen so clearly how deeply returned that sentiment was.  Her husband was in love with Addison Montgomery... and Addison was in love with him.

The nagging thought that she had her husband only because Addison had sent him home was always there, and though she'd learned to stop bringing it up, there were moments when she could see Noah struggling to make himself stay committed to her.  She hated it, but Morgan had finally come to accept that she didn't hate it enough to let him go.

He was her husband.  He'd promised her till death do us part.  And she wasn't letting him out of the deal.

So when he'd agreed to go out for New Year's if she could find a sitter, Morgan had taken a lot of time to search through several events at local clubs and hotels trying to find just the right evening to distract them from their troubles and maybe even let them have a little fun.  She wasn't foolish enough to think that she could make him feel the way he once had in one night, if ever.  But maybe she could remind him that marriage to her wasn't so terrible if he'd just focus on what she could do... what she was willing to do... to make him happy.

She had finally settled on the show at the Trinidad because the singer was one of their favorites.  A local girl who had made it big, Willa Jacobi had a big voice tinged with a bluesy sense of regret and sadness that made you want to cry when she sang sad songs and cheer when she took the tempo up and traveled to a happier place.  Noah seemed pleased by the plans, which included dinner and, maybe if the pager stayed silent, a full night out with the promise of something more once they got home.

Per usual, the Trinidad was full of people and noise and music, but it never seemed overwhelming like it could in some of the clubs in LA.  Here it all just blended together into the sound of the place... and as the drinks flowed and the laughter grew louder, it made you feel completely welcome.  Noah had gotten held up and so dinner was already on the table when he raced in, but they'd eaten and enjoyed some easy conversation and for a few moments, Morgan felt like the only woman in her marriage.

She didn't notice them until Noah snuck out to the entry way to call and check on Adam.  They were several tables ahead of them, the two women dressed like they'd just walked out off a "Vogue" best dressed list, laughing and toasting with champagne.  Addison looked relaxed, happy, and her friend Naomi was telling some story that kept the redhead laughing for several seconds.

Panic set in as she wondered what she should do.  If she made a show of wanting to leave, she knew Noah would wonder what was wrong, that maybe his eyes would search around for an answer, and if he saw her, if Addison saw him... that was the last thing Morgan wanted.  But if she tried to ignore it and they stayed, eventually his eyes would find the woman he thought about every time he thought no one would notice, and Morgan wasn't sure she wanted to see that happen either.

The lights were starting to dim a bit as Noah came back to his seat, and the Trinidad's owner came out to introduce Willa.  Her husband smiled and reassured her that their son was fine and when he reached over and put a hand on her arm, his touch gentle and reassuring, she decided to just hope that somehow the night would pass without anything to break the illusion that she was a happily married woman.

Six songs into the set, Willa launched into a song that had become bittersweet to Morgan given the last few years of her marriage.  The words stung as she thought about the situation she was living in, knowing that as much as she wanted to blame Addison for all of it, the cracks had come from within.  Addison had only added stress to them, pushing them ever closer to the breaking point.

Where would you be if you weren't here with me?

Where would you go if you were single and free?

Who would you love?  Would it be me?

Where would you be?

Morgan knew the moment his eyes finally fell on the one person he'd probably never expected to see tonight no matter how deep his hopes were for some chance meeting somewhere.  He grew taller in his seat, probably trying to get a better look to confirm the red hair really belonged to her, and a softness crept over his face that Morgan wasn't sure she had ever seen him display with her, even in their happiest of days.

When he glanced down and pulled his pager from his jacket pocket, she almost sighed with relief.  As much as she might have hoped for a night free of interruption just this morning, now she found herself saying a silent thank you, almost praying that someone was so sick or injured that he had no choice but to rush to St. Ambrose right away.

He held up the pager and slipped out to the entry again, and after a moment, she stood and followed him out.  When she saw him handing a credit card to their waiter, she knew the night was over.

"Sorry, I have a transplant patient who's developed complications."

"It's fine," she said, forcing a smile on her face.  "I'm a little tired anyway.  Maybe we can still toast with some champagne when you get home, though."

He gave her a weak smile and nodded.  And she knew she had a choice... that this was another moment when she could admit defeat and walk away.  She could start fresh in the new year without the hurt of knowing her husband loved someone else more than her.

And instead of making that choice, Morgan kissed her husband good night, climbed into her car and drove home to wait for his return.

*****

There were days when Noah didn't know how he would will himself to go home again, how he'd walk in the door and face his wife's fake smile and pretend to be a happy family.  But he did it every single day.

His son was the bright spot of his life, and yet as happy as Adam made him, he was also a constant reminder of what Noah had lost.  Adam was alive because Addison had fought so hard to get him here safely, her care for Morgan during the pregnancy having been amazing, even after their mess of a situation had made it torture for her to continue to be his wife's doctor.

He'd forced her hand there.  She had tried to walk away before either of them got in any deeper, and he'd guilted her into staying on the case.  If he were a better man, he'd feel terrible for that, but he wasn't a better man.

Really, Noah Barnes didn't even think of himself as a good man at all anymore.  He'd been ready and willing to walk away from his pregnant wife because he'd finally found the woman he felt he'd been meant to love all along.  He had pursued Addison relentlessly, even when she had begged him to stop because she could see the disaster they were headed towards.  And while he hadn't ever wished away his son, there had been more than one moment where Noah had wished his baby's mother was the redhead he felt like he couldn't live without instead of the woman he had promised to love forever.

There was only one thing that had finally stopped him in his tracks, and it wasn't his wife's growing suspicions or his feelings of obligation or even a renewed sense of right and wrong within himself.  Her eyes that day in the birthing suite when she had said simply "Don't. Please." before the pain of watching him start a family with another woman had finally driven Addison from the room... the shame and pain in her eyes alone had finally had the power to make Noah accept that he'd decided his own fate when he had mistaken caring for love and lust for forever.

So he went home every day and he played with his son and he tried to find a way to make his wife happy.  And when she asked him if he'd be willing to go out for New Year's Eve, Noah had said yes because he knew it would make Morgan happy, and that was his job.

He noticed how carefully she chose their plans--a place he loved, a singer he admired--and Noah tried to let her know he appreciated it.  Maybe it was possible for it to somehow get better.  Maybe it was little steps like this that would finally take them back to a place that resembled truly happy.

The night had been going well, and Noah actually thought maybe he could try harder.  Maybe New Year's was as good a time as any to make a renewed effort.  Morgan was a good person, someone he'd been attracted to for years, with whom he'd shared some of his deepest heartaches.  She deserved a better effort, and maybe he was finally ready to try.

And then the flash of red hair had caught his eye, and Noah felt his heart still in his chest.

He hadn't seen her in months.  They had made a tacit agreement to avoid each other at the hospital entirely, and when he'd been paged to consult on two of her cases, he had asked the duty nurse to page the next ranking cardiothoracic surgeon on call instead.  But he imagined her all the time.  He wondered if her hair had grown out or if she was keeping it short (it was longer, he could see, but not as long as it was in the journal photo he had clipped and kept hidden in his desk).  He thought of the babies she was saving, the parents whose hearts she kept from breaking when she was able to beat impossible odds.  He thought of how eventually she would meet another man and fall in love and every fantasy he had about "someday" would disappear entirely.

She was beautiful... still so damn beautiful that it made his breath unsteady.  She was with her friend, so not on a date, which he found painful relief in.  But Noah could see the way her eyes were cast down during the song that was being sung when he'd finally seen her.  She looked so sad... so full of regret.  And more than anything, he wanted to walk toward her and pull her in his arms and tell her it would all be okay.

Where would you be if you weren't here with me?

Where would you go if you were single and free?

Who would you love?  Would it be me?

Where would you be?

Instead he pretended that he felt his pager go off, and he signaled to his wife that he had to go return the call.  He had to go; whether he had to lie or not, he had to get out of here.  He didn't want to ruin her night by letting her see him, and he knew that if she did, if she noticed him, he ran the risk of seeing that look again, and Noah couldn't stand the thought of seeing her ashamed of how he made her feel.

Morgan appeared as he was telling the waiter he had an emergency and wanted to pay the bill now, and when she easily agreed to the night ending, he stopped feeling guilty about the lie.  Something in her had shifted.  He didn't know if she'd seen Addison or if she just suspected there was no patient he had to check on.  What he did know was that she was in the same place he was... suddenly keenly aware of how empty "they" were together.  And yet she showed no signs of wanting to cry uncle and walk away.

And as long as she wanted him to stay, he knew had no choice but to do just that... even if it was forever.

*****

Really she'd wanted to spend the night curled up on her couch with Milo and a very expensive bottle of wine.  Well, that had been her second choice.  Her first choice had been dinner with Sam, but then Naomi had started asking about all the time they were spending together, and they both had that moment of "weird" and got freaked out by it, and so when Sam had said Maya wanted to spend the night with him, Addison had let him out of their plans with ease and accepted Naomi's invitation to go out to dinner and hear some music now that her daughter was going to be gone for the big night.

So Addison had climbed into the new Prada dress she'd bought herself for Christmas and pulled on her favorite Louboutin peep toes and headed out for a night of distraction with her best friend.  At least she hoped it was distracting, because she could do without the thinking about all the regrets that New Year's always brought back so strongly... Derek, Mark, not having a baby when she could've had one, Kevin, Noah... it was far too long a list, and she didn't want to think about any of it.

She especially didn't want to think about Noah Barnes.

Most days she could will him out of her consciousness.  It had taken a lot of practice to get to that point after weeks of mourning the loss of... whatever it was they had.  Now she could force her thoughts to another place... a new purse, a pair of shoes, a hot guy she would make herself talk to at happy hour just to not think about Noah.

The worst times were when her traitorous memory brought back the feel of his hands on her skin, the way it felt to have his breath on her neck.  Those were the days when the sadness returned full force, not just because she missed him, but because she still feared, deep down, that she'd been so desperate to be wanted by someone that she'd let things with Noah go too far for all the wrong reasons.

In her absolute lowest moments, she knew the truth... her love for him was real and deep, and as reckless and nonsensical as it was, it haunted her even now.

The night out was more fun than she'd expected, though, and Addison had been having a really good time, distracted completely from thoughts of her past mistakes or her potential future ones as Naomi entertained her with stories about some of the odd ducks who worked at Pacific Wellcare.  The singer was also very good, her voice entrancing, and that had made Addison relax even more as she surrendered to the idea that it would be a very good night.

Which is of course why the next song jerked away all of the distraction and joy that had been shielding her the past few hours and let her old New Year's companions, regret and sadness, creep right back into her heart.

Where would you be if you weren't here with me?

Where would you go if you were single and free?

Who would you love?  Would it be me?

Where would you be?

She sighed and Naomi reached over, touching her arm lightly.

"You okay?"

Addison shrugged.  "I've always hated this song.  It reminds me of the last few years of my marriage... what it felt like to look at Derek and know he was wishing I was Meredith Grey."

"Oh, God.  I'm sorry."

Naomi's apology was sweet, but Addison waved it of.

"Now it's even worse because... that's probably how I made Morgan feel.  And it was awful, Nai, when it was me.  I hate that I did that to someone else."

Naomi took a sip of her drink as she thought for a few moments before speaking again.

"You walked away, Addie.  It was all you could do at that point.  You have to let it be enough."

"But is it?  Is it enough?  Because if Noah walked up to me tomorrow and said 'I choose you,' even though it would make me feel dirty and wrong, I'm not sure I could say no."

"You'd say no," Naomi offered, her hand giving physical backup to her reassurance as she patted Addison on the arm.  "You'd say no because you've worked too hard to let him go to cave in now."

"I just want to not miss him anymore.  That's all I want."

"Someday you won't miss him anymore.  Someday you'll fall in love and get married again and you won't even remember who Noah Barnes is."

Addison was pretty sure Naomi was wrong, at least about the last part, but she was willing to hope that the rest was possible... someday.

When her pager started vibrating in her purse, Addison groaned and pulled it free.  She had a patient in the hospital with placenta previa who was having some increased pain and bleeding, and with the mood of the night already broken, Naomi gave in when Addison asked if she'd mind them taking off, so while her friend went to grab their coats, the redhead went to get the valet on the move for their car.

The last thing she'd ever expected was to see Noah Barnes standing at the valet stand, and when she realized it was really him, not just some carefully crafted vision conjured by her imagination, she let out a small gasp.

It was just enough to make him turn and look at her.  And that was just enough for her feel it all come flooding back... overwhelming her to the point that she needed to sit down before she passed out.

He was beside her in a heartbeat, guiding her to the small bench that sat by the front door of the restaurant.  His hands held tightly to her, burning against her skin, and she knew that it was one more touch she'd remember when her defenses were down some night and he was all she could think about.

"I didn't... were you here with Morgan?" she asked once the world stopped spinning and she was no longer in danger of falling over.

"Yeah, but we decided to make it an early night and we had separate cars.  I, uh... I saw you earlier, with Naomi, but I didn't think I should..."

"No, no, of course," she said, a little too quickly, and he chuckled.

"I have imagined running into you in so many places.  But never in a nightclub on New Year's Eve."

She felt a small smile pull at her lips despite the awful feeling in the pit of her stomach.  "Yeah, I don't think I'd have ever expected to see you here either."

They fell silent then, neither sure what to say, what was safe.  And then all at once, they both spoke over one another.

"How's Adam?"

"How are things at the practice?"

And then they laughed, and she saw that thing in his eyes that made her heart tighten, that joy she wished so much she could make a constant reality for him.

But that wasn't how this story ended.  She had already accepted that.

She was about to make an excuse to go in and look for Nai as her method of escape when Noah leaned closer, his hand taking hold of hers so gently that she couldn't help but close her fingers around his in response.

"Adam is wonderful.  And I stay because I know I have to, because I owe him that.  But there are days, Addison, when even he isn't enough... times when I wonder how I can do it for one more moment."

"Noah..."

"On those days... I stay for you.  Because I know you need me to stay and try to make it work with her.  And I know I have no right to say anything to you, but I just... I didn't want to walk away again without you knowing that."

The regret and sadness that lived so permanently inside of her was reflected back in his expression, and Addison wondered if maybe this was their punishment for wanting what they couldn't have.  He stayed married to keep her from feeling guilty; and she willed him to stay married because she didn't want him to leave his family for her.  It was so sad and tragic and wrong... and yet it was exactly the way it had to be.

The valet pulled up with Noah's car, and he gave her one more smile before he slowly released her hand and stood, walking away.

She knew soon he'd probably be home with his wife, making plans, celebrating the new year, taking another step back into the life he was supposed to lead.

And she knew that New Year's was once again a night when the weight of her mistakes made her wonder if she would ever find a way to get it right, just once, before her heart became too afraid to take another chance.