Where Your Road Leads, Part 1

So way back before I had a driver's license, my favorite show was "Matt Houston," and I remain bitter that it ended not with Matt and C.J. together, but with him almost marrying the so unworthy Elizabeth (though at least he came to his senses before the I Dos). Anyway... last year I got the series on DVD and watching it again reminded me how much I loved these two together, and God help me... fic has sprung. DON'T JUDGE ME!

By the way, I think you can get what you need to out of the story regarding show history, at least to get what this is all about. And since the show ended in <gulp> 1985, that's when this story takes place... hence the lack of such fantastic things as the Internet and cell phones. And this was getting ridiculously long... so posting what's "locked" and I'll continue to work on the rest.

Where Your Road Leads, Part 1 of 2 by socalwriter

Bill Houston had often teased his son about the fact that after moving to the big city, the very first thing he had done was go out and buy a horse ranch smack in the middle of nowhere.

"You leave Texas because you need to find yourself, and then you find yourself a place that looks just like Texas. That make sense to you, boy?"

Matt had never really tried to come up with a good response because he figured it was just one of those questions that parents ask you that has no right answer; anything you said was guaranteed to get you a lecture. Though if the truth be told, he'd pay a small fortune to hear another one of his father's sermons on settling down or giving up playing P.I. or moving back home to Texas where he belonged.

Since losing his dad, his friends and remaining family had become even more important to him, and it was days like today--when he was on the ranch and they were all there with him, laughter echoing up from the riding ring, music playing and stories being batted back and forth like tennis balls--that were the best days.

Smiling at the thought of how full the day would be, how relaxing, Matt grabbed two beers and strolled out to the back patio. There he found his Uncle Roy and their close friend, Lieutenant Michael Hoyt, embroiled in a battle of wits over barbecue methods that would probably have rivaled the most heated of political debates. Ducking any possibility of being drawn into the dispute, he quickly headed down toward the riding ring where his cousin Will was waiting, his body leaning against the railing as he watched a scene from both their childhoods repeat in the present... a little boy was falling in love with horses.

Selfishly, Matt hoped that Johnny's newfound affection for riding would help cement Will's chatter about moving back to LA. Even though he understood that the years his cousin had spent as a POW in Vietnam had made it a little unrealistic to hope that he could just come home and start a normal life, it was hard to have Will out wandering the big wide world when everyone really wanted him home with them. Roy especially missed his son, but he had made peace with the fact that Will had to learn how to live again in his own way. But whenever Matt began to lament his cousin's absence, C.J. would always remind him how lucky they were to have that particular problem. And he knew she was right. What an evil warlord hadn't been able to do a conman had almost accomplished, pushing Will to the brink of suicide. But he was still with them, still alive, still finding his way, and if the cost of that was a need to stay on the move, figure out his life on his own, then they were going to have to just accept it.

Johnny's mother, Holly, was a big part of what Will was figuring out. Though she had been involved in the scam that had almost killed him, Will cared about the woman and had forgiven her. The task had been a little harder for Matt, Roy and C.J., but when they had seen how happy being with her and Johnny made Will, they had agreed to make the effort. Holly was slowly winning them all over, and now that they were talking marriage, maybe even thinking of giving Johnny a sibling, it seemed like Holly might be the very thing that finally, truly brought Will home.

"First cold one of the day, sir."

Will looked up at his words and took the offered beer.

"Thank you, cousin. Don't mind if I do."

"Will, C.J. says Golden Boy likes me!"

Matt watched as his cousin laughed and smiled widely at the little boy, who was positively beaming with joy from his seat in the saddle.

"Of course he likes you, Johnny. He's a good judge of character."

Will waved, and the boy returned the motion quickly before C.J. admonished him to keep both hands on the reins. He studiously returned his full attention to the lesson he was receiving and began trying to mimic the clicking sound C.J. was making to direct the horse around the ring.

"I think he's more excited now than when we took him to the Dodger game."

Laughing, Will took another sip of his beer, then nodded. "I think you're right. That or he's developed a very early appreciation for having the full attention of beautiful woman."

Matt chuckled. "Or that."

They watched in silence as C.J. let the horse begin to trot, the slight shift in speed causing a whole new wave of giggles and laughter from both student and teacher as Johnny's excitement became infectious.

"She's good with him," Will observed, and Matt nodded.

"I have yet to meet a man of any age who is immune to that smile."

Will laughed. "Lord knows no Houston man ever has been, which I guess Johnny almost is anyway. He's wanted to learn how to ride for months now, but Holly's been worried about him getting hurt. When C.J. offered to bring Golden Boy down, I told his mama he'd be in good hands. I still remember when your daddy gave her that horse."

"Yeah," Matt said, nodding. "He might have spent more time picking out her engagement gift from him than I did picking out her ring."

"Well, Uncle Bill was never one to pass up a chance to spoil someone he loved."

Will took another drink from his beer and sighed. Matt let his eyes wander back to the ring, where he saw that C.J. was removing the guide rope, ready to let Johnny walk the horse around on his own. When she waved at him, he realized she had caught him watching her, and he winked at her in acknowledgement.

"So, cousin, we ever gonna talk about this Elizabeth thing?"

Matt shrugged as his thoughts were pushed away by Will's words. "I'm a little talked out on the subject, I guess. I mean, what's left to talk about? I love her, she loves me, but... she can't handle my life the way it is, and I can't change it."

"You don't want to change it. And I'm not lecturing, okay? I'm not my dad. But if you wanted to eliminate the danger, you could give up being a P.I."

"Will, it's not that simple."

"It really is. But that's not me saying I think you should. I get why you do it, Matt. Believe me, I get it."

And he knew his cousin definitely got it, perhaps in a way that no one else but C.J. did. Because it had been Will and C.J. that had helped him recover from the childhood kidnapping that had left him mute and terrified for more than a year, their love and friendship the only two things he'd been able to trust. It had taken more than 20 years for his abductor to be brought to justice, and during those two decades, Matt's frustration had forced him to do something, even if it meant bringing closure to strangers, to try and make the world feel safer. The fact that his passion had driven him to give up the business empire he'd built had always seemed perfectly reasonable to him, just as it had made perfect sense to those closest to him. But he knew the rest of the world thought he was at least a little crazy.

"I know you didn't ask for any advice," Will leaned closer, a playful grin on his face, "but I was MIA for 12 years, and I think you owe me a few."

Matt laughed and nodded. It was good to hear Will able to joke about the nightmare he'd been through. Roy said it was a sure sign he was really on the road to recovery, and Matt hoped his uncle was right.

"Fire away, cousin."

"You need to stop looking for what you think you want and realize you already have it."

The statement was so matter-of-fact that it caught Matt off-guard, and he turned and asked Will to repeat it.

"I don't know what this picture is that you have in your head of who you're supposed to be with, Matt, but somehow some stuff has gotten crossed up in your brain. Because what you want... what you need... is already right in front of you. What I can't figure out is why you seem so damn determined not to see it."

"Will, what the hell are you talking about?"

His cousin turned and stared at him intently.

"I missed a lot, I get that. A lot must have happened in those years. But I remember things, too, from before our lives exploded in the middle of that hellhole. And I remember that no man ever loved any woman more than you loved the one out there right now charming the hell out of Johnny."

Matt felt his defenses go up immediately, and it was a familiar feeling. It was always his reaction whenever someone, be it his father in the past or Will now, felt they had the right to discuss his complicated history with C.J.

"Will, that was a long time ago. Things change."

"Yeah, they do," his cousin agreed. "But now that everyone's done fussing over me, making sure I'm okay, I have time to look around at everybody else. And what I see is that no matter what happens in your life, C.J. doesn't run, she doesn't get scared, she handles it. And you... you don't ever seem in any hurry to find a way to protect C.J. from your life, and I know that's not because you care any less about her than you do some woman you've known for a few months."

Matt bit back the reply that was getting ready to jump out of his throat when he heard Johnny calling for their attention. He turned and saw the boy running toward them as C.J. followed, leading Golden Boy.

"Did you see me? I rode him all by myself."

Will met Johnny at the railing and as the child climbed up, he pulled him over the wooden structure and into his arms.

"You're a natural. And you have an excellent teacher. Thanks so much, C.J."

"Hey, I had fun, too. He's a very good student, and Golden Boy loves to spend a day in the ring."

"Does that mean I can do it again?"

Despite his suddenly surly mood, Matt wasn't about to dampen Johnny's excitement.

"You can come on out and ride anytime you want to, especially if we can sweet talk C.J. into letting Golden Boy board down here for a while." Without thought, he turned and looked at her, and he felt a small grin curl his lips. "She knows he likes it here better than her place anyway. He's in love with one of my mares."

C.J. rolled her eyes and waved him off, which was her usual reaction when he teased her about her horse's supposed love for the high-spirited, deep bay-colored Arabian he'd bought a few years ago.

"She's too young and spoiled for him. Golden Boy likes his girls to be less high maintenance. That's why Rosie was always his sweetheart."

"Yuck! Why are we talking about girls?"

Johnny's declaration set them all off laughing, and when he said he wanted to go tell his mom all about his ride, he and Will started up toward the house to see if Holly was still in the kitchen baking. Matt turned back to find C.J. nuzzling her beloved horse.

"I think you made his whole year."

C.J. chuckled and came closer to the railing.

"He's a sweet kid. And you know how much my boy here has always loved having kids around."

She gave the horse a few soft pats on his neck, receiving a soft whinny in reply. Then he felt her eyes studying him carefully.

"Is, uh, everything okay with you and Will? It seemed like you were upset about something before Johnny came over."

The biggest problem with knowing someone your whole life, Matt had realized, was it rendered you powerless to hide what you were feeling from them. Even though he had the same inside knowledge with regard to C.J., there were times when he wished he could deflect her ability to read him so clearly, and he'd never wished it more than right now.

"He was asking me about Elizabeth," he offered, not lying, but not disclosing all. "It just... it wasn't something I really wanted to talk about."

She nodded, though her eyes stayed on him just long enough for it to be clear that once again, she was on to him. But she didn't call him on it.

"Well, I'm gonna get him settled and fed. I'll see you back up at the house?"

"I'll have a cold beer waiting for you," he promised. "And I'll try to keep Hoyt from eating all the salsa."

C.J. laughed and thanked him before taking Golden Boy off toward the barn. The horse playfully nudged her with his muzzle, and Matt heard her promise that they'd go for a long ride the next day. The horse tried one more time, his head gently pushing against her, and C.J. stopped moving and just stood still stroking his face and speaking softly to him.

Matt owned nearly a dozen horses, but C.J. had only owned three in all the years he'd known her. One had been the horse she'd had as a child, a tough Appaloosa named Skyfire who had thrown Matt every time he'd ever tried to ride her but who had behaved beautifully for her owner at all times. Then his father had given her Golden Boy. And then there was Rosie.

Matt had heard about a group of wild horses that had been penned and tortured by a rancher before the man was finally busted by the police. Four of the five horses had died, but one, though desperately ill, had survived, and the animal rescue group that was caring for her had been looking for donations to help with her care. He and C.J. had stopped on the way to lunch one day to drop off a check and thank the rescue for the work they were doing. The director of the program was thrilled with the gift, and he told them what he could about the horse's condition, stressing that the animal's fear of letting people get close was complicating her treatment, but they were determined to keep trying.

The next thing he knew, the director was saying his good-byes and that was when Matt noticed C.J. had wandered off. He found her minutes later, standing inside the barn just a few feet from the wild, wounded Mustang. He instinctively reached out to try to caution her against getting any closer, but she shook her head and held her hand out so that her scent was closer to the animal.

"They said the other horses all died in front of her. Can you imagine? She saw that, and she knows a person caused it, but she needs people to save her now."

He remembered watching in amazement as C.J. eased forward, slowly, earning the horse's trust with her patience until her hand was able to touch down on the Mustang's muzzle to offer her a small bit of comfort.

Matt had called the rescue director the next day and convinced him that when--not if--the Mustang survived, C.J. was the only person who should have her. And when she had survived, Rosie had gone home with C.J. and stolen Golden Boy's heart. The two horses had been connected from the first moment they met, his protective nature exactly what she needed; her sensitivity bringing out the best in him. It had been a true love affair until the damage done to Rosie's heart in her early life had caused it to give out six years later. And ever since, no matter how magnificent a horse he found for her, C.J. had refused to take on another animal. There was no replacing something so special, she had told him, and so finally, he had given up the effort.

"Houston, you better get up here!" Will shouted. "Novelli's here, and he's trying to take over the grill, and Hoyt's eying his gun!"

The visual of his two friends--Novelli, the ex-cop and Hoyt, the police lieutenant--about to duel over who got to be captain of the grill drew Matt back to the present. He commandeered the grill himself to prevent bloodshed and checked on the steaks, and later, he made sure the growing group of guests all had something to drink and eat, and he even remembered to hide some of the salsa for C.J. Settling into his hosting duties let him shake off the dark mood that his conversation with Will had brought on, and Matt genuinely hoped that would be the last he had to hear about his cousin's theories on his love life.

His hope lasted about three and a half hours.

"So... like I was saying..."

Will's hand pressed down on his shoulder, making it clear any effort on Matt's part to leave the bench he was sitting on would result in a fight. So he stayed put as his cousin settled in beside him.

"You need to leave things alone," he said, his eyes staying focused on the patio where his friends and family were dancing and laughing, enjoying the evening fully.

"I just want a simple answer. Why didn't you marry C.J.?"

Matt sighed and shook his head. "For your information, it was C.J. who called our wedding off, not me. So if you want to know about it, you should ask her."

"I already did."

That stopped him cold. Houston turned and looked at his cousin, who nodded to confirm his prior statement.

"When I was up on that roof and you went to find Holly, C.J. was supposed to keep me talking, remember? And I was drunk as hell, so I didn't have any manners. So I asked her why the hell you two weren't married with a houseful of kids."

His gut began to ache as a knot formed in it. Because not once, not in all these years, had Matt Houston ever asked his best friend and former fiancée that particular question.

"She said... she said that she knew you wanted out, and you would never have called it off yourself, so she did the only thing she could. She let you go."

Another "secret" he couldn't hide from her... Matt closed his eyes and felt the pain spread from his stomach to his chest as he realized that he'd never fooled her for a minute. He had hoped she'd never known how panicked he'd become when he thought about being married, about starting a family. And he'd been entirely unable to explain it to her then, to even make sense of it for himself. How did a man who wanted nothing but a future with the woman he adored come home eighteen months later terrified by that very same concept? It had always made him feel crazy that he didn't want to cling to the best thing in his life after all of the horrors he'd faced in Vietnam. But the truth was, he'd wanted to be as far from C.J. as he could get, and when she had set him free, he had run away to an endless stream of parties and girls and risky adventures and business deals.

But when he'd emerged, finally healed, finally ready to be the serious, grown-up businessman he'd always intended to be, C.J. was still willing to be part of his life, albeit as his friend, attorney and business partner and not as a wife. But she'd still loved him, and he'd realized gratefully how much he needed that, needed her to still be a part of whatever it was he did. Because even if he couldn't handle the idea of the perfect life they'd once dreamed about, and despite her ability to practically read his mind, he couldn't imagine moving on without her there beside him.

Lately, though, more than once, he'd wondered if that had been a fair thing to ask. When she had come to talk to him before his almost wedding and said "I couldn't be happier for you," then admitted a beat later, "that's not true, I could be..." her thought had remained unfinished, and his immediate concern had been to reassure her that no one could displace her in his life. But later, after his breakup, with time to think about things that had been left to lie for years now, Matt had wondered if, all along, C.J. had just been waiting for him... waiting for him to come home... and he had either been too blind to see it or been too buried in denial to want to see it.

"Dad tells me C.J.'s had, what, three, four close calls when it came to marrying another guy? But for whatever reason, it's never happened. And you? Well, we see how that's worked out."

Matt rolled his eyes at his cousin, but Will remained unfazed.

"That woman loves you, you idiot. And you love her. And you two never let anyone get in between that, except for the two of you. So why don't you do a favor for everyone that loves you? Get the hell out of your own way and get it right this time."

With his point made, Will stood and walked away. But Matt got no sense of relief from the emotional or physical discomfort he was feeling when his cousin made a beeline toward C.J. and pulled her out on the dance floor.

He had two options at that point--wait and hope that Will didn't go off half-cocked to C.J., talking about what could've or should've been, or walk over, cut in and get the lady in question as far away from his loose-lipped cousin as possible.

"May I cut in?"

Instead of the glare he'd expected, Matt received a smirk from Will, who stepped back and kissed C.J.'s hand.

"I suppose if the lady doesn't mind having to look at your mug, I'm willing to step aside."

The rich, full laugh that always made Matt smile erupted from C.J., and despite his annoyance with his cousin, he let himself focus on the woman in front of him. She moved easily in his arms--something that had been true since they'd gotten stuck in social dance class together as mischievous 6 year olds learning a very proper waltz for some wedding they were both in. Over the years, their dances had matured with their friendship, and on more than one occasion, the need for some distraction from a tough case or a rough patch in one of their personal lives had inspired a night of swinging or salsa dancing or just moving together to a good jazz band's sounds.

"I feel like I haven't seen you all night."

She chuckled at his comment and relaxed more into his hold.

"That's what happens when you host a Texas-sized party, especially when you have to keep negotiating grill battles."

Houston laughed. "True enough. But it's worth it to have the house feel like this. Reminds of when we were growing up."

"Yeah, it was always nice to know someone was your place no matter what time of day it was, what day of the week--your daddy or Bo and Lamar or Ma Gracie. It was so different from how quiet and empty my house always was."

He heard the slight edge of sadness that crept into her voice as she made the slightest mention of her childhood home, and Matt instinctively pulled her closer. C.J. had always been the smartest, prettiest girl he knew from the first day they'd met as kids at her birthday party, but he hadn't needed a grown-up to tell him that something about her had changed forever after her father's death, and the cold, distant behavior of her mother had only made he and his father all the more protective of the girl they both adored. Bill Houston had made their home hers, and more than once, even when they'd been fighting with each other over some silliness, Matt had come home from football practice or a study group and found C.J. in the kitchen working at Ma Gracie's side fixing dinner or curled up on the porch swing listening to the crazy stories that their ranch hands Bo and Lamar loved to spin.

"I think Daddy liked to keep the house full so I'd miss my mother less," he said. "Not like I knew any different since she'd been gone my whole life, but still... it was nice to know there would always be someone there if I was in a bad mood or I wanted to share some news... or if my girlfriend picked a fight with me about what color corsage matched her prom dress better."

The last bit was said very tongue in cheek, and C.J. promptly clicked her tongue and gave him a playful slap on the arm.

"You cannot buy a girl a yellow rose corsage when she's wearing a lavender dress."

He laughed, remembering vividly how her long dark hair had swirled around her shoulders as they stood in the florist's parking lot arguing over flower colors.

"You'll note, I have never made that mistake again."

She nodded and then they fell into an easy silence as she settled her head against his shoulder and they continued to dance. And then just when he thought they might stay that way for another song, another few moments that felt so comfortable and right after so many weeks of tumult, Vince Novelli cut in, and Houston was forced to politely let his old friend take his turn on the dance floor with beautiful lady lawyer.

Later as the party finally began to wind down, he again ended up losing track of C.J., his good-byes taking him in the opposite direction as she went to get the Novellis settled in the guest house. It was just after midnight when Matt wandered into the kitchen to find Roy pouring some warmed milk into a cup.

"Cocoa?"

Houston shook his head, but sat down at the island to keep his uncle company while he enjoyed his hot chocolate.

"C.J. got a call from Murray about a problem with some hotel deal in Singapore, said he needed her help on it, so she ran home to take care of that. But she said she's taking Golden Boy out for a ride in the morning if you want to tag along."

"I just might do that."

He'd made the comment innocently enough, but the look his uncle Roy threw his way told Matt the older man had his own ideas about what his response meant.

"Let me guess. Will shared his theories with you?"

"Well, Matlock, I have to tell you... it's not so much Will's theory so much as something everyone who knows and loves you both wonders all the time."

Despite the enormous affection and respect he felt toward his uncle, just as had happened earlier with Will, Houston felt himself turn from annoyed to angry on a dime.

"Well, I hope none of you are pestering C.J. the way you are me, because she doesn't like talking about our past."

"[i]She[/i] doesn't like to talk about it" Roy repeated, and Matt felt himself glare.

"No, she doesn't. We don't like to talk about it, Roy, because it was hard and sad, and we're just grateful we got through it and we could still love each other and be part of each other's lives. So can you all just leave it alone?"

He didn't realize he was yelling until his hand slammed into the island's countertop for emphasis. Roy sat unfazed, though, sipping his cocoa as if he'd just watched a small child have a tantrum.

"Well, I can see there's nothing to talk about, what, with how calmly you can discuss the topic. So you're right. We should just all move on."

Frightened that he might snap at his uncle yet again, Houston spat out a good night and headed upstairs to a hot shower that he hoped would clear his mind. He wanted to get a good night's sleep and get up to enjoy an early morning ride with C.J. and Golden Boy, and he didn't want the bad humor he felt now to ruin it.

The day had actually left him more tired than he realized, and not long after finishing in the shower, Matt crawled into bed, his body pulling him quickly toward sleep. But if he thought his dreams would be a safe harbor from the memories Will and Roy had tried to stir up all day, he'd been sadly mistaken.

[i]Houston had been in Saigon for two weeks, the wounds he'd suffered in a helicopter crash healed enough for him to be released to barracks, but still too raw for him to return to his unit. Will had been in the city briefly on a supply run, and the two had gone for a beer before his cousin had to head out. So despite the continued pain in his back, where shrapnel had nearly pierced his kidney it had gone in so deep, the day had been a good one. And then Matt returned to the barracks to the excited greeting of his friend Chuck, who manned the guest sign-in at the front desk.

"Man, Houston, that picture doesn't do your girl justice. Seriously, you need to get her to send you a new one, 'cause I thought she was pretty, but damn!"

Matt eyed Chuck carefully and sniffed to see if perhaps his friend had been drinking while on duty.

"And when exactly did you see my girl? Or are you having dreams I need to kick your ass over?"

Chuck leaned over the counter and lowered his voice. "I saw her when I snuck her into your room."

He made the younger man repeat himself, sure he'd misheard, but Chuck confirmed again that C.J. was somehow only a few hundred yards away from him and not thousands of miles. Without another thought, he was on the move, rushing up the stairs as quickly as his injury would allow. When he opened the door, she startled, dropping the hairbrush she'd been pulling through her wet hair, which hung long and dark and stopped well past her shoulders. She was wrapped in a barracks towel, the white fabric stark against her tanned skin.

"I figured that hair washed in your sink was still better than hair that smelled like the cigar smoke I endured on the airplane."

He wished he could move. Seeing her, though, had frozen him in place. Because Matt was used to seeing C.J. here in Vietnam, but in the haze of his dreams, not in the stunning reality that was her, all freshly scrubbed, her hand shyly trying to hold the cheap towel in place.

"Is it okay that I came?" she asked, and the uncertainty in her voice made his heart break a little. It also finally set his feet in motion, and when he reached her, his arms felt the warmth of her skin and the contrast of the cool water beads that were still dripping down onto her arms and back from her hair. As he pulled her against his chest, he caught the scent of Ivory soap, and he was fairly certain nothing on Earth had ever smelled so heavenly.

"I have never been happier to see anyone in my life," he said, his voice breaking and revealing far more emotion than he perhaps wanted her to hear. Her hands pressed into his back, and he noted the care she took in avoiding what she knew to be the injured areas he'd described to her over the telephone.

"I just had to see you." Her words went into his chest because he was holding her so close, but he heard them. "I know you said you were all right, but I needed to see for myself."

Matt had made certain that Will called his father and C.J. the moment he was near a phone, not trusting anyone else to make it clear that he would be fine and his injuries weren't life-threatening, and as soon as he'd been able, he had phoned himself. His conversation with his father had been easy--the elder man had been concerned, certainly, but he was a Texas man and a war veteran, and he didn't push for details or ask questions that were best unasked. But when he'd told the operator to connect his collect call to C.J.'s apartment near Harvard Square, Houston's throat had begun to feel tight. And when he heard her trying to sound calm and brave so she wouldn't upset him, he'd had to feign a knock at the hospital room door so he could take a moment to collect himself.

Their engagement had been four months old, their wedding plans well underway when Matt had flown to Boston and told her that Will had decided to enlist. C.J. had been around too long not to know that meant Matt had to go as well. The Houston boys didn't go into danger without each other to watch their backs. And even though he knew she'd hated the idea, there had been no tears or pleas to change his mind. She'd simply made him promise to come home to her. And it had made his gut tighten into knots to know that he'd nearly broken that promise and yet still she'd tried to be supportive and loving and not fall apart.

And now she was here, despite the extra units she had enrolled in to finish at Wellesley early so they could have some time together before she started law school at Harvard, despite the thousands of miles it had taken her to get to him, and Matt could feel every defensive barrier that protected her from his fear and stress in his letters and phone calls crumbling.

"I missed you so much," he whispered, his voice ragged. "God, I miss you every day."

She pulled back from him then, her eyes turning up to his.

"I'm here now. We're together now, and that's all that matters."

He lowered his face to hers preparing to kiss her. And then suddenly she wasn't in his arms anymore, and Matt looked around in a panic. He wasn't standing in his barracks room, but on the ridge behind his father's house in Texas. His uniform had been replaced by jeans and a Rice t-shirt.

Finally, his eyes found her. C.J. was standing a few feet away from him, her formerly long, straight hair now cut into layers that curled around her shoulders. She was wrapped in his denim jacket, the garment swamping her. The wind was blowing, and he wanted to walk over and hold her because he could tell that she was cold. But then she turned toward him, and Matt saw that she was crying, and unlike the scene they'd just been a part of in the room in Saigon, she seemed to want to be as far away from him as she could get. When he took even one hesitant step toward her, she took three of her own in the opposite direction.

"So that's it, then. I'll have my mother's secretary make all the phone calls to the guests, and if there's anything I need you to take care of, I'll let you know."

"C.J... I'm sorry."

She nodded and wrapped her arms around herself, her hands buried inside the coat's long sleeves.

"I know."

They stood there silently a moment, staring at each other, and then she started to walk away. And the "what and when" of the scene suddenly hit Matt full force, the impact stealing his breath. This was the day she had called off their wedding... the wedding he had been terrified to go through with but that he hadn't been able to bring himself to cancel.

"I love you," he said, his voice pleading with her for understanding. She stopped and looked back at him and smiled even though tears were streaming out of her eyes.

"I know."

That was all she said, and then she turned and began to move again. He stood there and watched her, his heart pounding in his chest as he fought the urge to call out to her, to run after her. And then she walked over the crest of the ridge and disappeared from his sight.[/i]

The memory and the pain of it tore through Houston, jolting him from sleep. He fought to catch his breath, and when he drew his hands back through his hair, he felt sweat drip down his face.

He hadn't really let himself feel this before. Then, even though he hated that he was hurting her and despite how much he'd missed her, he'd been too relieved to be free of their commitment to each other to really let himself feel the depth of the loss. But now his dream had unleashed an emotional whirlwind, and the physicality of his reaction forced Matt out of bed, his body needing some kind of movement to try and calm itself.

God, he'd just let her go. He had literally stood there on their ridge--they'd been meeting there on rides for years to talk--and he had let her walk away from him without uttering one word of argument, without asking a single question to get more of an explanation than "I just think our timing is bad."

He neared the window and opened it, the rush of air chilling him as it hit the sweat on his skin. Drawing in a deep breath, Matt leaned against the sill and shook his head. It wasn't that he'd never felt a moment of regret before. When C.J. had gotten serious with Carl, something about how relaxed and happy she was with the other man had made him envious. That jealousy had also left him guilt-ridden after Carl's murder had torn them apart. And sometimes, like when she'd been at his side during his father's heart attack and ultimately as he laid Bill Houston to rest, Matt had held on to her strength for dear life, knowing that it was really only her steadiness that was keeping him from falling apart. In those moments, he'd wonder why he'd ever let her get away, but then he'd tell himself the same thing he always had... things had just worked out this way.

But they hadn't just worked out that way, had they? He'd engineered it that way, pushed her into making a decision for them by behaving in a way that forced her hand. Things had worked out that way because he'd needed them to, and damn it if he hadn't gotten things exactly the way he wanted them. Not only was he free, but C.J. hadn't pulled away completely. He'd kept his best friend and slowly but surely assembled a revolving harem of women to serve as his lovers.

And damn it if his pain-in-the-ass cousin wasn't right. He'd been happy with, loved and enjoyed the company of dozens of women over the years, but not once had he found anyone capable of sharing his life the same way that C.J. did. When being a P.I. had been a hobby, the ladies in his life fussed about the time it took from them. C.J. jokingly kept a tab of how many unfinished or canceled meals he owed her, but otherwise, she just rolled with the punches. And when he'd become more serious about being an investigator, she had gone along for the ride, becoming his partner and someone he could always count on, not just for help but for a reprimand when he began to let his emotions interfere with his work. And yes, C.J. worried about him getting hurt--everyone in his life did. They had good reason. He'd nearly died thanks to his now full-time job, and C.J... the number of times he'd put her life in danger horrified him. But she didn't try to change who he was even though she wanted to keep him safe. She knew what drove him, and she didn't think he needed to get past it and move on. She simply let him be the man he needed to be, but always with a caution to be careful and make it home.

Make it home... it seemed that was the one promise he was always making to her, that he would make it home... from Vietnam, from his wanderlust, from stakeouts and from dangerous pursuits of madmen he had to bring to justice. And C.J. was always there to welcome him back.

And as all his thoughts came together, Matt got it... he got why everyone around him thought he was insane. And he started to wonder if they were right.

[i]"C.J. got a call from Murray about a problem with some hotel deal in Singapore, said he needed her help on it, so she ran home to take care of that. But she said she's taking Golden Boy out for a ride in the morning if you want to tag along."[/i]

His uncle's words played through Houston's mind, and he glanced at the clock. It was just after 5:00. C.J. liked to be out in time to be riding during sunrise. If he hurried, he could just make it.

*****

Sultana was a beautiful horse--as exotic looking as her name implied--and she ran like the devil was grabbing at her tail. But no matter how hard they pushed, Matt and the bay-colored Arabian had yet to beat C.J. and Golden Boy in a race, and this morning was no exception. The Palomino Tennessee Walker held true to his breed's reputation for having an easy-going nature, but damned if that horse didn't love to run, so much so that C.J. hit the ranch's eastern ridge a full four lengths ahead of him.

The sky was passing through that incredible beat of purple and pink of sunrise as Houston climbed off Sultana, tying her reins off on a tree branch by where Golden Boy stood chewing on some grass. He walked over and sat down beside C.J. on the big cluster of boulders that gave them a perfect view of the house.

"You know when you were trying to decide whether or not to buy this place, and we went for that first ride?" C.J. glanced over at him and flashed a mischievous smile. "As soon as we hit this ridge, I decided I was going to talk you into it if it was the last thing I ever did."

Matt laughed at her confession. "For the record, you weren't exactly subtle about that."

"Subtle doesn't always work with you, and this place was way too big for me, so I needed you to take it so I could enjoy this view. So thank you for buying it, in case I never said that."

She winked at him in that playful way she often did when her guard was completely down and she was just enjoying the moment, like the time she'd helped him win a frog-jumping contest against Bo and Lamar by hiding a lady frog a few feet away to tempt his jumper into making the biggest leap. Then she leaned back against the boulder so she could stare up and watch the light show that sunrise was providing.

Her comment about the house and her plot to get him to buy it had been amusing, but it also set Houston's mind back to the things Will had stirred up the day before. And after taking a few moments to make sure he really knew where his thoughts were going, Matt took a breath and began to wade out into the water of their past.

"Do you think you'd have ever moved here... if I hadn't asked you to?"

"To Los Angeles? Probably not. I never felt anchored in Texas the way you did, but that's where our families were, so maybe I'd have ended up back there. Or maybe I'd have taken one of the job offers I had in Boston. Who knows?"

C.J. continued to stare skyward, the color dance of morning ending as the blue sky and bright sun took up permanent residence. He watched as her eyes drifted shut against the intense light.

"Sometimes... it feels like I had no right to ask you to follow me out here. You know, after we... after our plans changed."

The tension that appeared in her face was unmistakable, and Matt sat silently as C.J. pulled herself back into a seated position, her back to him. She drew her knees into her chest and wrapped her arms around them, effectively closing herself off as much as she physically could in their close proximity. And when she spoke, the ease and playfulness was gone, replaced by a clipped tone that told him she didn't want to go where he was trying to steer them.

"I'm a big girl, Houston. If I hadn't wanted to be here, I wouldn't be."

In a hundred other conversations when they'd grazed the surface of the topic of "them," he would've given in--he had given in--and found something to bring up related to a case or a business deal to change the subject when it started to feel uncomfortable. But he could feel the weight of years of walking away from this pressing on his chest... and somehow Matt knew if he didn't do this today, he never would... and he had a feeling that the cost to them both would be too great. He wondered if C.J. had been thinking something similar when she'd tried to get through to him before his almost wedding to Elizabeth. And he hoped she was paying more attention now than he had been then.

"Why did you... C.J., why did you call off the wedding?"

The words hung there as she looked at him, first confused, then shocked that finally he'd cared enough to ask.

"What does it matter now?"

She stood up quickly and headed back toward the horses, and Houston could see she was intent on climbing aboard Golden Boy and making an escape. So he did what he hadn't done years ago on that ridge in Texas... he ran after her and stopped her from leaving.

"It matters," he said, his hand reaching for her arm. Though she was clearly losing patience, C.J. didn't pull away nor did she continue her efforts to leave. "It always did, and I should've asked then. So please... can you just tell me why?"

He watched as she drew in a deep breath, her eyes dropping to the ground. The air in her lungs came out slowly with a slight whistle as she tried to rein in her emotions, and then her eyes returned to his.

"Because you were begging me to, in every action, with every word, and I knew if I didn't that one day you would run away from me anyway. So I let you go before I became someone you hated."

The word struck him and Matt felt himself literally flinch in response to hearing it spoken in relation to his feelings for her.

"That never... I could never hate you, C.J."

She shook her head and folded her arms across her chest.

"And you can say that because I didn't force you into something you didn't want. But if I had? You already looked like you felt trapped in your own skin. If I had made you go through with that wedding, you would've resented me forever."

He wanted very much to rebut her declaration, and yet he knew he couldn't win that argument. Nothing and no one could convince Matt Houston that anything would ever turn his love for C.J. into hate... but he did remember his own fears back then, that if he let her see how confused and scared he was, it might make her turn away from him. And now he felt idiotic for ever having thought it. Given everything that they had been through together, C.J. turning her back on him was unthinkable. But he hadn't seen that as a young man fighting for his emotional life, he only saw it now in the perfection of hindsight.

"I never wanted you to know... how I was feeling," he said, grappling to explain finally what had been going on in his mind. "I never thought I wanted out of our engagement until you said you were calling it off, and the relief..."

Her eyes closed and she tipped her head down slightly, and Houston knew she was trying not to cry.

"It was never about how much I loved you. I wish I had told you that then, but... all I can do is tell you now."

The fight ended. Tears began to stream down her cheeks despite her lowered lids. When her chin lifted and he saw the pain he had reawakened with his words, Matt's heart began to ache.

"It was, though. You can say that it wasn't, and you probably even mean it, but, Houston, to me, that's all it was about. I sat there and watched you pull away from our dreams and the future we had planned... you used to disappear, even if you were sitting next to me, every time someone brought up the wedding. And I knew you were grieving for Will and that you were wrestling with all these demons, but you just kept telling me you were fine. You were fine... and you didn't need me... or you didn't want me. Either way, it left me with one choice to make, so I made it."

When she moved toward her horse again, Houston reached for her arm once more. This time, though, there was no surrender in C.J.'s reaction. She wheeled around and pushed him away.

"What are you doing?! Why are you doing this? We've been fine... all this time, we've been fine, and we had each other and it was enough. What are you doing?!"

"Was it enough?" he asked, stepping toward her and taking back the ground she'd forced him off of. "Because I'm starting to think it wasn't. And tell me, why does every woman I get involved with see you as a threat if we're just friends and that's all we are? And if we're so fine, if it's enough, why were you so scared about me marrying Elizabeth?"

It wasn't often he raised his voice to her, but Matt had been holding himself in check so long where C.J. was concerned that now that there was a crack in his armor, he felt totally exposed. He was angry... at himself for ever letting go without a fight, at her for knowing him too well, and he wanted an answer... any answer.

"Is this your typical 'I broke up with someone so I'll lean on C.J." phase, or is this some extra-awful trip down memory lane that you had to drag me in on?"

"Can you just answer my question?"

He could imagine what they looked like to anyone who might spy them right now... both defiant, hands on hips, their eyes locked on each other and displaying every ounce of their fury. The half dozen serious fights they'd ever had in their lives had all probably looked just like this.

"Are you sure you really want to know?"

Something in her voice told him that despite her anger now, she had been waiting for him to care, to want to know the "why" behind her surrender. The harsh tone he'd used a moment earlier vanished when he spoke again.

"I think we both need for me to hear this."

She drew in a deep breath, pausing a moment to gather herself. And then finally she opened up the silence that had stood between them for so long.

"When the man you love decides that he doesn't want you anymore, but he's still your best friend, you have two choices. You can walk away or you can figure out how to find a place in his life as his friend. As heartbroken as I was, I couldn't let you go. So I resigned myself to the fact that our friendship was what we'd have. And we were a team... we built your business together, we started the detective agency. It was working. Was it enough? It was what we had, so it had to be enough."

When she had to stop because a sob literally choked her, Houston had to fight every instinct screaming in him to go to her and pull her into his arms. He knew she wasn't finished, and he had to hear it all, even if it was killing him to see her hurt so badly.

"But Elizabeth... Houston, you were ready to change everything for her--your whole life--and that meant changing us. No matter what you said, it would have. And on top of that, she..."

He waited, but she didn't go on, and Houston felt his brow furrow as he watched C.J. struggle with what it was she wasn't saying.

"She what? Did she do something or say something to..."

C.J. shook her head. "No, Elizabeth didn't do anything. It's just... she was so fragile and needy, so uninterested in sharing the work side of your life. She was the anti-me. And I couldn't help but think, if this was the woman you wanted, if she was the person you were willing to change everything for, and she's nothing like me..."

Inaction, he knew, had caused this. He'd had chance after chance over the years to tell her the truth about his withdrawal from her, and he'd done nothing, and Matt saw now that doing nothing had only deepened the pain of the one person he'd wanted to spare.
Learning his lesson quickly, he took action, moving and pulling her into his arms.

"No, no, no. No, C.J."

She didn't have the energy to resist him, and Houston held her tighter as he felt her trembling in his hold.

"You were everything I ever wanted. I'm sorry I didn't tell you that. And all the ways Elizabeth wasn't you... those are the reasons that I didn't marry her."

He wasn't sure he'd known that so absolutely until just this moment, but it made such sense to him now. He wanted a partner in his whole life, not just in his private life. He wasn't built to live in a compartmentalized style where his work could be left at the office. His work was his life, even more so now that he was devoting his time to his P.I. work. Elizabeth wasn't equipped to handle that life, and they had both realized it.

The truth was, Will was right; he wanted the life he already had... one where he shared everything with someone who shared his passions, who worked and played as hard as he did, who was willing to tilt at windmills and chase monsters to make the world a better place. But he'd spent the better part of ten years looking for the woman he had pushed away... the one crying in his arms, her tears soaking his chest. But before he could start to give voice to what he was thinking and feeling, she pulled away.

"Houston, I don't know what is going on with you here, but I... Look, you wanted an answer, and I gave you all the truth I have to give. And now I need you to just let me walk away from this conversation."

"I think there's more I need to say to you," he countered.

"Why?" she asked, a small shrug moving through her shoulders. "What will it accomplish? We can't go back to that ridge in Texas and change the decision we made that day, and even if we could, I wouldn't want to. I did the right thing for us, and I did it for the right reasons. Dissecting it now with would haves and should haves isn't going to do anything but hurt us both."

She sounded more like a lawyer to him in that moment than she ever had before. He knew she was twisted into a knot inside, but her words were calm, rational, and on some level, incredibly true. Except that if he let her reason win out, he'd lose her. This time that simply wasn't an option.

"I don't believe that. Because it matters that you hear me say that you were the only thing that did make sense back then. And as for should or could haves... what I should have done was tell you that my promise to make it home to you was the only reason I made it back here when my guilt over Will was trying to choke me."

Reaching for her hand, Matt watched as she struggled with the protective instinct telling her to push him away. But when he moved to lace his fingers through hers, she allowed him the contact and brought her eyes back up to meet his.

"I couldn't fight for us then, C.J. I wanted to, but I couldn't. But now I can. It's my turn. So even if you can't believe in this, just... let me try."

He couldn't think of anything else to say that wouldn't sound ridiculous or that didn't have the potential to upset her all over again, and so Matt stood there and waited for some response from her. When she gave him a small nod before drawing her hand away, he closed his eyes and said a silent thank you to whatever force had swayed her, then he turned all his thoughts to just how he was going to win the most important fight of his life.