So you don't have to have read "And So It Goes" or "Five Conversations Addison Has Before Leaving Seattle" to follow this story, but for the record, the past events referred to briefly in this story come from those two.

And since this is sort of continuing the storyline I started in "And So" before "Private Practice" aired in the fall, this is my attempt to merge what I started with some of the things we've learned about our characters since then. And so I'm continuing with the theme set by using Billy Joel's "And So It Goes" by naming this fic after another phrase from the song. And now enough of me -- hope you enjoy.




A Sanctuary Safe and Strong by socalwriter

It shouldn't have bothered her. Not really. It wasn't surprising or even new, and Addison mentally scolded herself when she felt tears stinging at her eyes as she sat slumped on her couch, her cashmere blanket coiled around her.

She was 40 now. 40 years old. And her friends had made every effort to make the day spectacular for her. Sam had made breakfast and Naomi and Maya had come over to share waffles and early morning presents with her. At the office, Dell had brought in an amazing dark chocolate cake with chocolate mousse frosting, and Cooper and Violet had taken her to lunch. Flowers arrived from Mark, Miranda and Callie had teamed up to send a fabulously tacky singing telegram delivered by a man dressed as Darth Vader, Richard had sent a lovely bottle of champagne and Burke had sent her the newest Wynton Marsalis CD. Savvy and Weiss were flying out for the upcoming weekend for their first LA visit to celebrate, but they had sent a birthday card anyway saying they couldn't wait to see her. Even Alex Karev had called to say he hoped she was having a good birthday and that there wasn't a rain drop in sight because he knew how much she hated the rain.

The biggest surprise of the day had been the stunning maintenance of an old Shepherd family tradition--a conference call from Derek's mother and sisters, who teased her about being fabulous at 40, then begged for priority on the beach house guest rooms.


Addison was loved and those close to her had gone above and beyond to let her know on a day when she could've been rattled. After all, she was 40, single, childless... it wasn't exactly how she'd expected this particular birthday to play out in years past when she'd considered what turning 40 might be like.

And then there was Pete... Pete who had booked her evening weeks before so he could take her out to dinner for her big day.

After their months of dancing around one another, Pete had appeared at her house and made a declaration that he wanted to try. It had tilted the world a little, and they were both still figuring out how to get their footing, but they were in it together, and though she was often terrified and went on "oh, my god, I'm trying to have a relationship with Pete, am I insane?!" rants to Naomi and Violet, for the most part, what he had brought into her life was all welcome. Pete liked to laugh, and he loved to make her laugh, even at his own expense. He didn't mind her girl flip-outs; in fact, he found them entertaining as hell, which sometimes made her smile and sometimes earned him a pillow in the face, but he took both in equal stride.

Her life was full of wonderful, amazing people... and it made her feel like a petulant, bratty child that she was focusing not on all the good but on the one overwhelming negative.

It was hardly the first time Derek had forgotten her birthday in the years they'd known each other, and certainly in recent years, it had been more likely that the date would slip his mind than register as even a little bit important. And she knew that maybe it was a little silly to think that after their affairs, after the divorce... that now he'd remember. But something about the way they'd left things in Seattle had given her hope that maybe she and Derek were still something to one another, and it was a hope she needed not because she wasn't over him, but because who wanted to think that fifteen years of their life had amounted to nothing but divorce papers and rings floating in the bottom of the Pacific Ocean somewhere.

So as her birthday waned and Addison had returned home to find no birthday card waiting in the mailbox, no e-mail or phone message or any anything... as the clock now ticked down toward 10 p.m., the reality sank in that maybe the silence that answered the e-mails she had sent and the messages she had left was all that Derek was willing to give her.

That thought brought a new prick of pain and fresh tears strung at her eyes. Addison hated that her memory of this day wouldn't be about all the wonderful things her friends had done to make her feel loved, but she couldn't imagine she would ever remember anything but how empty she felt at realizing that she really didn't matter anymore to someone who had promised to love her forever... for better or for worse.

She lifted her head when the doorknob rattled and then drew in a deep breath as a key worked the lock and gave her visitor entry. Only two people had keys to her house-- Naomi and Pete. Addison listened to the door close, heard the lock click and then the telltale rattling of Pete's prayer bead keychain settling on the kitchen counter.

Sighing, she sank down lower onto the couch cushions and pulled her blanket up over her head as his footsteps neared.

"I know, I know. I'm ridiculous and sad and I ruined the plans you made, and you're mad, right?"

There was no reply, only more footsteps, and then Addison heard the rustle of denim as Pete sank down and sat on the floor in front of her. The next thing she knew, there was a gentle but constant tug pulling on her blanket. Though she resisted at first, finally she let him win and her protective barrier slipped from her hold.

"Wow. You're really cute when you pout."

Normally his attempted jest would have earned him a roll of the eyes or a snide retort, but her silence must have spoken volumes because Pete didn't try to tease her again. Instead, he leaned forward, letting his chin rest on the edge of the sofa just a few inches from her face.

"I made plans [i]for[/i] you. If you weren't up to them, I'm hardly going to be mad at you for that. The restaurant isn't going anywhere. We'll just go another time."

The gentle quality of his voice was reinforced by his hand coming up to lightly brush her hair out of her face. He wasn't pretending not to be upset or sparing her feelings. He was, she could tell, simply worried about her.

"You wanted a perfect day."

Addison sighed and shrugged in response to Pete's statement.

"It was a perfect day. I just... I should have never let myself even think that... I mean, how stupid am I? We're divorced. If he didn't care when we were married..."

She didn't finish the thought because her throat began to ache as more tears threatened to run down her cheeks. Pete lifted his chin up off the couch and then turned his body so he was now leaning back against the piece of furniture.

"My 35th birthday, Anna threw me a surprise party. I figured it out, like, two weeks ahead of time, but I kept quiet 'cause I was so blown away that she would even do it because, well, she wasn't really that kind of person--you know, someone who went out of her way much for other people."

Even though they had grown close--so much so that they had keys to each other's homes so that dates postponed by medical emergencies didn't leave the other knocking on a locked door--there were still things that they didn't talk about very much. For Pete, Anna was that thing. Addison was curious, and at times it frustrated her, but she knew that sometimes even her good memories of Derek hurt to remember, and what Pete had been able to reveal about his marriage told Addison that the mix of good and bad seemed uneven at best, bad winning out, Anna's sudden death leaving him to manage their unresolved issues all alone. That he was bringing his late wife up now in what she could only assume was an effort to ease her upset sent a pang through Addison's chest.

"So the Saturday before my birthday," he continued, "she makes a big deal about wanting to go to dinner, and I put up enough of a fuss to make it seem like I hadn't caught on, you know? But finally, I give in, I go get dressed, and we go out. She offers to drive so I can drink, which totally would've given it away 'cause she never wanted to drive, but I'm thinking, wow, she's really trying to make this a great night for me, so I'm gonna just keep up the front like I don't know what's going on."

Pete sighed and Addison let go of her grip on her protective layer of cashmere, her hand drifting toward his head. Her fingers played lightly in his hair as he went on.

"We pull into this restaurant, and I get this knot in my stomach. Because this place, it's Anna's favorite place, and I had told her a half-dozen times I didn't like it, but that's where we are. But I ignore the bad feeling 'cause I figure I'm just overreacting. She's doing this nice thing for me, so maybe she just picked a restaurant she feels really comfortable in to, you know, make it easier.

"Then we go in, and there's the whole big surprise moment, and I can see how nice everything is--she ordered all the best food and incredible wine, and this gorgeous cake, so I think again, you know, it's not your favorite place, but just roll with it because she's really making an effort. And I talk to a couple of friends and grab a drink, and I'm standing by the bar eating a cheese puff when it dawns on me that a couple of [i]my[/i] friends are all I see. Because most of the people there are friends of Anna's."

The sting of that dawning reality was still evident in Pete's voice as he told her about the moment now. Addison inched her body forward, her full attention on him as she tried to fathom the anger and disappointment even the memory of that day was stirring up for him.

"The thing is, I would've probably been able to forgive her for that, really. 'Cause it's not like I didn't know who she was, and I should've known that if Anna was going to go to all that trouble, there had to be an angle because, that's just who she was. And a chance to invite all these idiots she wanted to schmooze to a friendly birthday party for her husband? It made her look like the wife of the year... to them. So whatever, you know, I just... I just never said anything about it. And I was gonna let it go. And then on Tuesday--on my actual birthday--nothing, not a card, not a 'happy birthday' when we crossed paths at the shower. She went to a client dinner and came home after I'd already gone to bed. And that was it. My birthday was over, and she hadn't said a word."

Her hand eased through his hair and down his neck, coming to rest on his shoulder, and Pete turned to look at her. He gave her a small smile and then moved his body so he was facing her completely once again.

"You're not selfish or bad for being hurt that Derek forgot your birthday. That's all I'm trying to say. It sucks that it ruined your day, and I kinda hate him for it. But he was the most important person in your life for a long time, and it... it's not wrong to expect that person to want to celebrate the day you became a part of the world, even if you know, deep down, that they probably won't even remember."

Pete leaned closer and his hand found hers. She smiled for the first time in hours as his fingers slipped between her own.

"And for the record, you becoming part of the world is a damn fine thing, and it should be celebrated."

Addison nodded and sniffled.

"I just... feel like an idiot for not letting it be enough that you all did celebrate it. And I'm a jerk for not being able to write him off because isn't that what you do when someone makes it clear they don't care about you anymore?"

"No," Pete answered, "that's what some people do. You wish things were different. You get to wish that, Addison. It's okay."

So much of her relationship with Derek had been spent trying to get him to understand how she felt. Addison had always known they were different, but in the beginning that had seemed to only make them want each other more. She wasn't sure exactly when Derek had tired of trying to decipher her explanations and moods, she only knew that it was probably that moment when their marriage had begun to unravel.

So it made sense that as she heard Pete state so clearly that which was written in the things she wasn't saying out loud, she felt a little uncertain. But as she sat up, tugging on his hand a little to draw him up onto the couch with her, Addison realized that it was this exact feeling that had made her react to Pete so intensely when they had met and that was why she'd been unable to shake all her hope that someday he'd come to her just as he had and say he wanted to try. She didn't know what was going to happen next with Pete, but she did know that he seemed to truly like the person that she was, and more than that, he understood her.

"What was your very best birthday?" she asked as she leaned against his shoulder. His arm settled around her, his laugh vibrating through her body from the contact.

"I was 17. My dad bought me an old Mustang to fix up over the summer and my girlfriend let me get to third base. It was seriously, like, the best day of my life for a good two decades."

The unbridled enthusiasm of his recollection sent Addison into a fit of giggles. Pete laughed along with her, and she was grateful all over again for whatever it was--chemistry, a higher power or common sense--that had made them brave enough to let each other in.

"You know, I haven't given you your gift yet. You want me to drive to Seattle and kick Derek Shepherd's ass? 'Cause I'll totally do it."

"I appreciate the offer," she said, another giggle coming out with her answer. "But no... I'd much rather you stayed here with me."

Pete pretended to be disappointed and rolled his eyes, but he kissed the top of her head and pulled her a little closer to let her know he approved of her choice.

"Naomi says that Derek loved his idea of me, not the actual me. Which I guess makes sense given the way things turned out. But it scares me a little to think that... that I loved him so much, I couldn't see that."

"Yeah, I know what you mean."

Pete's voice had lost all the humor it had held a moment earlier, and Addison lifted her chin so she could see his face.

"I think I did that, honestly. I loved who I thought Anna was or who I saw her being once we got married. But I'm not sure I saw her or who she was until after we'd been together a few years and I kept butting my head up against the same walls."

She nodded and let her head settle against his shoulder once again. "Do you ever think about what would've happened if... if she hadn't died?"

Pete drew in a deep breath, and Addison listened to the slow release of air that filled the space as he considered her question.

"She... we wanted to have a baby. It was sort of the only thing we could agree on at that point, that we both wanted one. And the thing is, I did really want it. And I wanted it with her. So I guess I'd like to think that meant we'd have made it."

Addison wasn't sure what to say in response, so she said nothing, simply tightening her hold on him. She kind of loved that he felt so many things about his late wife simply because he let himself feel them. Today had only reinforced to her how some people just shut down in life, on feelings in general, on other people. And even though Pete had struggled for such a long time with his grief and guilt and fear, he wasn't hiding from the pain and upset that they caused.

"Hey, you never told me what your best birthday was."

"Oh, well, my best birthday," she said, shifting so that she could see his face, "was my eighth."

"Ponies and a three-tier cake?" he asked, and she shook her head.

"Nope. I had made it very clear that I didn't want a party that year because my mother always threw parties I didn't like, all filled with fussy food and her friends..." She paused and lifted her hand so it caressed his cheek for a moment, "kind of like the party Anna threw you."

Pete nodded, then he took hold of her hand and kissed the palm.

"So what happened when you said you didn't want a party?"

"My mother got very annoyed and decided to go into the city for the weekend of my birthday. It was on a Friday that year. And I came home from school expecting an empty house and dinner with the housekeeper, really, because my father usually got home really late on Fridays. But when I went into my room, there was a new dress on my bed and a note that said "wear me." It was my dad's handwriting, so I... I got excited and I put the dress on and I ran downstairs. He was waiting for me in one of his suits and he asked me if I'd do him the honor of having dinner with him."

Addison had many wonderful memories of her father, but he'd never been more handsome than that night when she'd come racing down the stairs to the sound of his laughter and a big smile on his face. On those days when something random--a song or a phrase in a book--would make her think of him, it was his face that night that always passed through her mind.

"He took me to his country club, and the maitre d' called me 'Miss Montgomery,' and I got to order anything I wanted off the menu, which turned out to be chicken cordon bleu, which I still love, by the way. And then after dinner, right when I was about to ask if I could have dessert, all the waiters came out, and they had the most incredible brownies on a silver tray with eight candles in them."

The memory was bittersweet, and even though it was a wonderful and happy moment, she heard her voice break as she finished telling Pete about the night. When she stopped talking, he pulled her against him again, moving so she was now leaning back flush against his chest and both of his arms were wrapped around her.

"What did you wish for when you blew out the candles?" he asked. She sighed and closed her eyes and saw an image of herself trying to extinguish the eight flames as her father carefully held her long red hair back out of harm's way.

"The truth? I wished for a puppy."

Pete chuckled. "Did you get it?"

"I did. He was waiting for me at home after dinner. A cocker spaniel that I named Jack, and don't ask me why because I really have no clue."

Addison felt Pete shift behind her, and she sat up as he pulled away.

"You feeling okay enough now for me to go get your present out of the kitchen?"

She smiled and flashed him a shy look.

"I thought my present was the dinner I messed up."

"That's what you get for thinking. I'll be right back."

She watched as he stood up and headed out of the room, then Addison scooted herself more upright and untangled the cashmere blanket that had been her protective shield earlier, settling it more neatly around her. Pete cleared his throat as he came back in, and she looked up to see two boxes in his hands, one wrapped in gold paper with a red bow, the other a plain white square.

"Okay, so you have to open the wrapped box first. And go easy on me because really, you kind of have, you know, everything. So buying you a present is not easy."

Addison laughed and took the offered gift as Pete sat back down beside her.

"Can I just see what it is before you try and talk me out of liking it?"

That earned her a genuine eye roll, and she laughed again as she pulled off the bow and tore through the paper. She really hadn't expected him to buy her anything since he'd asked to take her to dinner for her birthday, and Addison was honestly eager to see what he'd chosen for her. She wasn't expecting to burst out laughing when she saw the box's contents, but that's exactly what she did as she pulled out a triple-fold sterling silver frame that contained three photos of Pete--one of him in a shirt that said "quack" one of him in a cowboy hat and one of him dressed as a gladiator.

"I just thought, you know, it kind of immortalizes the early stages of our relationship... something for us to look back on a few birthdays from now."

"And how exactly will I explain to our friends and family what the significance of 'Pete the Cowboy' and 'Pete the Gladiator' is?"

Pete laughed and shrugged. "I'm sure I'll have fun watching you figure that out."

And that simply, he let her know that he was planning to be around "a few birthdays from now," and that he was thinking past "right now" into "maybe then." They had taken their next step, and it felt incredibly right and it had happened so naturally, it hadn't even given them a chance to be scared.

"So what's in the other box?"

Addison settled the framed photos on the coffee table as Pete retrieved the plain white box and lifted the lid so she could see what lay inside.

"I knew they were your favorites. I didn't know why until you told me that story tonight."

The box contained two incredible looking chocolate brownies. Closer inspection told her they had no nuts and had chunks of chocolate inside--just the way she liked them. Addison picked up the second brownie and handed it to Pete. He set the empty box down and then they toasted each other with a gentle touch of their baked goods.

"Happy Birthday, Addison."

She smiled and they each took a bite of their decadent treats, and the rich chocolate made Addison a little light headed because it was that good. She took another bite, and then, unable to resist the crumbs that were teasing the edge of Pete's mouth, she leaned forward and kissed them away.

"You know what I think?" she asked, pulling back a little.

"What?" he replied, a bit breathless.

"I think you just made me realize that this... is a really good birthday."

That grin she knew so well curled the edges of his mouth, and Pete leaned closer to her, his breath tickling her lips as he whispered his response before claiming her mouth again.

"Good. Because you becoming part of the world... part of my world... that deserves to be celebrated."

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