"This isn't a 'you should really come back to work' lunch is it?"

Even before he heard Izzie's voice, Mark's gaze had shot up from the bistro menu in his hand when her purse slammed into the table.

"Who in the what now?" he asked.

"Did you ask me to meet you for lunch so you could get on my case about how I need to come back to work?"

"Um... no. I asked you to lunch because I hate eating alone."

Izzie opened her mouth to speak, but stopped, taking a breath and then sitting down in the chair opposite him.

"Sorry," she began. "It's just... I know they're only trying to help, but it's like George, Meredith and Cristina are working this tag team, and I can barely get through an hour without someone harping on me about getting back to work."

Mark nodded. In the five weeks since Denny's death, she hadn't been back to the hospital to do more than meet up with friends for lunch or to talk to Bailey, who in turn had talked to the chief to arrange for Izzie to make up her time off during what would have been her vacation that summer.

"If you're not ready to come back, you shouldn't be there," he said. His words left a look of pure wonderment in the blonde's eyes.

"Thank you! God, that's all I'm saying is I'm not ready, and how is it good for me or the patients for me to be there if I'm not ready yet?"

It wasn't a question that required him to answer, so Mark simply went back to looking at his menu and held his tongue as Izzie settled down and began to consider what she might select to eat herself.

"So what are you having? And please tell me you're not going to eat that big pastrami sandwich that makes me fear for your life."

Mark laughed and shook his head. Izzie Stevens sometimes just confused him, the way she could switch gears mid-sentence then be baffled by why it left her conversation partner confused. He'd thought he was imagining it at first until he'd asked Addison, who confirmed it was just the way Izzie was, and, yes, it took some getting used to.

"I'm having the turkey French dip, if that meets with your approval, but I'm still getting the fries."

Stevens gave a small nod of approval. "Good choice. Um... grilled cheese with spinach for me, I think."

"And now that that's settled," Mark said as he pulled the menu from her hands, "other than well-intentioned but annoying friends, how are you today?"

"Well, I only cried in the shower for an hour this morning," she answered, sighing before she leaned her chin on her hands. "And how are you today?"

"I didn't turn the other way when I saw Addison and Derek in the hall this morning holding hands on the way to the senior staff meeting. I'm calling that a win."

Izzie laughed and then just as suddenly eyed him seriously. "You know what? We've earned dessert today."

A smile pulled at the corners of Mark's mouth, not just because the blonde's comment had amused him but because it was nice to be in the company of someone who understood how he felt without any mocking or dismissal. Their wounds were different, and Mark was grateful for that. He would still have a life that included Addison and her little girl, maybe even Derek someday if they could both stay on the right side of maturity; Izzie's loss was permanent and there was little to comfort her when she imagined the years ahead. But she didn't gloss over his pain, and he got that she needed to heal in a way that the rest of her friends simply couldn't understand.

The waitress came and took their order and brought their drinks, and it was then that Izzie took a quick sip of her lemonade and sighed heavily.

"They're all mad at Alex now, by the way, so except lots of dirty looks and snarky comments at the hospital."

"What did Karev do to piss off the other kindergartners?"

"Defended me," she answered, the weight of real responsibility evident in her eyes. "You and Addison are on my side, say I shouldn't rush back, and they can't yell at you two because you're, well, our bosses. So when Alex told them to back off, they kind of went all rabid wolf pack on him."

Mark shook his head and a wry chuckle escaped him.

"I gotta say, you guys do nothing to make me regret being far past the intern stage of my life. In fact, your friends often make me feel like stepping on the path to being a real live grown-up was the smartest move I ever made."

Izzie nodded. "I know they mean well, I do. It's just so... much, you know? I really think I might take Addison up on her offer."

"What offer is that?"

The blonde's eyes lifted to his, away from the piece of bread she was eyeing, and something in her gaze told Mark that she hadn't considered that he might not know.

"I'm sorry. I forget that you guys are doing the friends with distance thing sometimes."

He shrugged to pretend he was okay with the way things were. "It's all right. We forget sometimes, too. But then we usually try to talk about the baby or work so that we don't step on any minefields. Messy business, that."

"Yeah, I guess so." Izzie took a beat, reached for the slice of bread and pulled off a corner, popping it into her mouth before she spoke again. "Anyway, she told me if I needed a quieter place to stay, I could move in with her for a while. Which would probably be good, right? Because she's gonna need help getting ready for the baby and, well, she needs someone around to make sure Derek isn't being a jerk again."

"Ah, yes, well, that may be a big job," Mark teased. "Derek's jerkiness tends to be epic when it comes to our favorite redhead."

She gave him a look that said "don't be bitter," and Mark rolled his eyes.

"Look, I want him to do it, okay? She needs him to, and she deserves it. I just... really, really want him to have to work for it. I realize that makes me a sore loser, but, still."

"Trust me, dude, he is so working for it. Bailey and I will make sure of it."

Their laughter was interrupted by the arrival of their food, and Mark didn't ask Izzie any more questions about how she was doing and she didn't ask him anything else about Addison, and by the time he left to walk back to the hospital, the plastics God of the West Coast was feeling pretty good, which was rare these days.

He'd come to Seattle determined to become a different man... a better man. He'd come, too, with the goal of winning Addison. It hadn't occurred to him the effect the first might have if his second plan somehow failed. But here he was, without the woman he loved, and rather than burying his hurt and pain in a succession of nameless, faceless one night stands, Mark was... working more and... spending time with his few--very few--friends... and letting himself feel the hurt. It was all odd and foreign, and oftentimes he'd wake up after a night where his dreams led him to happily ever after with Addison and the baby and, filled with resentment and anger, Mark would determine it was the day when he'd go to Joe's, get drunk, pick up a hot broad and bang his way to a good night's sleep. Only he never did.

He'd be a little pissed at Addison for turning him into the disgustingly adult person whose skin he was wearing now if it weren't for the fact that he knew being able to handle this--the disappointment, the sadness, the guilt from New York, the anger he carried for Derek--getting through it all gave him a chance to come out with his family still intact. Sure, it was a bandaged, bruised version of what had once been shining and perfect, but if after everything he could still be part of Addison's life and know her daughter and maybe even regain some semblance of trust with Derek again... well, it wasn't what he'd come to Seattle for, but it was infinitely better than going home to New York alone.

Mark's afternoon began much the way his morning had, though this time only one Shepherd was in his midst. After stopping in his office to exchange his leather jacket for his lab coat, he moved to the nurses' desk to retrieve Hank Vincent's chart before tracking down Yang to prep for the young man's next surgery. Standing between him and the aforementioned chart was Addison, lab coat tossed over the counter, her hair pulled back into a ponytail, her dark blue scrubs pulling tightly at her waist where they now had to accommodate the unmistakable presence of Baby Girl Shepherd.

An undeniable pang registered in his gut, but Mark didn't change direction or walk away. That would've been breaking his promise, and as Addison had reminded him, a promise made over juju couldn't be broken.

[i]"I'll have a bone dry..."

"He'll have two large hot cocoas, please."

Mark turned toward Addison, who suddenly stood to his right, and glared at her playfully.

"I haven't even been in an O.R. yet today, so I can't possibly be in need of juju."

She shrugged and reached for the first cocoa the attendant offered.

"Consider it one in the bank. Besides, the baby wants cocoa, and you can't drink coffee in front of me. It'd make you a terrible best friend to tease me that way."

"'The baby wants cocoa?' Seriously? You are shameless."

Addison made a face at him and then looked back at the attendant.

"He's totally paying, too. The baby says so."

She walked toward the bench a few feet away as Mark paid for their juju before following her.

"You know, if it were snowing instead of just... gray... this would seem awfully familiar," he said as he sat beside her. "You, me, a bench outside a hospital, overpriced cocoa you made me pay for..."

She laughed, but despite the curl in her lips, her eyes were distant.

"Hey, you okay?"

"I'm... tired," she answered after a moment where she really seemed to be trying to figure out just what she was. "I've been back and forth from here to check on Izzie, and suddenly I realized two days had gone by since I saw you at Meredith's, and so I just..."

Addison let her eyes move to him now, his catching the movement because they'd never left her. It amazed him how beautiful she could look even so sullen and worn down.

"I didn't want any more time to go by before we talked."

Mark nodded. Denny's death had been a stark reminder to them all how quickly they could run out of time.

"I, uh, I was going to call and check on you after that little fade you did, but I felt kind of like I... I shouldn't."

Addison sighed and shook her head.

"I hate that. I hate that we're all awkward and don't really know what to say to each other, especially when it's so clear to me that you and I are probably better friends now than we ever have been."

"But?" he asked, sensing she had something else to say. She looked pained, and he almost regretted asking the leading question.

"He's... he's building us a house. He, uh... he made me believe that we can fix it."

Mark looked down at the cup of hot chocolate in his hand and tried not to hate what had been inevitable.

"I don't know what that means really," she said, going on, "except that I'm not lying to myself about how I feel anymore. But I can't see the road in front of me, Mark, and I'm scared. And no matter what happens with Derek, I just wanted you to know that you and me... we're something I need, and I think you need us, too. And I know this isn't going to be easy, but just... remember you promised not to go anywhere, okay?"

"Are you sure Derek can..."

"You're nonnegotiable," she declared, not even allowing him to finish the sentence. "Derek knows that. You and him... that's for you two to sort out. But you and me, we're us, and we decide what happens with us."[/i]

Izzie had described it as "friends with distance," which Mark supposed was an accurate way to look at what he and Addison had been doing since that morning when he had promised her he wouldn't be going anywhere. The distance was mutually agreed upon, because they both realized that they needed to learn to depend on the other people in their lives for comfort and companionship and advice to keep themselves from becoming isolated together as they had in New York. The running to each other to soothe the bumps and bruises that others caused had become habit. So it was time to redraw the boundary lines.

That meant that nine out of the ten times he felt like calling just to check on her, he didn't. It meant she didn't come find him to vent after an emotional surgery had taken its toll on her. They had lunch sometimes, a few cups of coffee, and he was invited to be part of the nursery painting party Izzie had organized because she needed something to focus on other than how heartbroken she was. They were friends with new limits, but Mark knew that Addison hoped as much as he did that someday they'd be able to just be themselves again without all the mental hoops they were jumping through now.

It hurt and it was hard, but he'd promised, so Mark didn't delay his walk to the nurses' desk. Instead he moved behind Addison and tugged playfully on her ponytail. She turned ready to scold the perpetrator, and he threw his hands up into a defensive pose.

"Hey, you're the one with the cute ponytail. I'm supposed to have the willpower not to pull it?"

"You're such a jerk."

"But I'm your favorite jerk," he teased, and her smile widened.

"I suppose I can't argue with that."

He winked at her as he reached for Hank's chart. It was these small moments that let Mark know there was an end in sight for all the discomfort he and Addison were still wrestling with.

"I had lunch with Stevens today. She's getting her feet back under her."

Addison nodded. "She is. Which is amazing, really, considering. I wish more people would give her credit for how well she is doing."

"She, uh... she mentioned something about staying with you for a while. You getting lonely in that big old house?"

"No, I love my big old house," she answered, chuckling. "But I am getting to that point in my pregnancy where I am inundated with worries from concerned grandmothers and aunts and baby daddies who worry that if something happened in the middle of the night, I'd be alone, and so..."

Mark couldn't hold back a chuckle. "Ah, Patricia's mothering from cross country, huh?"

A raised eyebrow and shrug of surrender were his answers.

"Well, I think it's a good idea. I am among those who'd feel better if you had someone around. But I thought, uh... I mean, the house thing..."

It was dangerous ground for them still... any mention of Derek opened up a well of potential hurt feelings. But because they so rarely brought him into the conversation, Mark wasn't honestly sure where things stood between the Shepherds, and despite his own feelings, he did care.

Addison sighed and leaned her elbows on the desk. Her voice was hesitant when she finally spoke.

"We're... dating, I guess, for lack of a better way to describe it. And things are good. It's just... our marriage didn't fall apart in a few weeks. It needs a little time to heal."

Time to heal... it was a theme in the lives of everyone Mark cared about these days, himself included... from broken hearts, loss and disappointment. Even Bailey was licking her wounds after Denny Duquette's death, her feelings of somehow having failed natural if wholly unreasonable.

"So I'll see you at the nursery thing, right?"

Addison's question pulled Mark out of his thoughts.

"You will. I will show up ready to assemble and paint as directed."

"Karev's on the hook, too, for Izzie's sake, and Tucker's coming, so I promise you won't be trapped in a house full of women."

"Hey, you hear me complaining?"

He winked at her as he finished speaking and Addison laughed, and a moment later, they were both walking in opposite directions, their day moving on. He knew their lives were, too, separately and together... and with a sigh of resignation, Mark determined to accept once and for all that this was how it was meant to be.

*****

Mental rehearsing was Addison's thing, not his, and Derek had often teased her about the habit. She was always plotting out her exact words when she was worried about having a difficult conversation, and he'd always thought it kind of a silly exercise for a woman who was so good at standing up for herself. Addie had tried more than once to explain to him that it wasn't that she had to know every word she was going to say, it was that it helped her get used to what she was feeling so she could stay calmer if the situation was potentially upsetting or difficult.

Derek was more likely to shut off when it got to upsetting or difficult territory, so he supposed it wasn't any great surprise that he'd never really understood what she meant until now, when avoiding the hard parts had stopped being an option if he wanted his wife back. He'd already begun that with her, opening up about his real feelings regarding her affair with Mark, finally admitting his own part in what had happened. And, in offering real forgiveness, the kind Addison could feel and see in his actions, Derek knew he'd taken a big step in winning back her trust.

But he wasn't done, not by a long shot. Because he understood now that all those months that Addison had been trying to show he could have faith in her, he had been slowly breaking down the remaining trust she'd had in him. And yes, she'd finally admitted she still loved him, but that didn't mean she'd forgiven him yet for all the years of hurt and indifference that had broken them to begin with.

She needed to know that he meant the things he said; everything that he promised or committed to had to be reality. And so that was why he was standing in the locker room staring at the mirror, trying to figure out how to say what had once seemed impossible. But thankfully Derek was learning as of late that little was truly not possible... all he had to do was stay focused on what was important.

It was a lesson hard learned, and the cost could have been devastating, but when Derek had stood outside the new house with Addison and heard her say she loved him, he had finally started to believe absolutely and completely that perhaps he'd found himself in time to not lose the woman he loved or their chance to be a family again.

The giddiness of simply hearing those three words cross her lips had sent Derek soaring for days, but when he had told Richard about it over lunch a few nights later, his friend had been quick to caution him not to start running too far too fast.

[i]"Just don't lose sight of what a leap of faith you've both taken here, Derek. Not that I'm not proud as hell of both of you for finally getting there, but it's a beginning, not the end of the road."[/i]

It wasn't necessarily what he'd wanted to hear, but part of having good friends was that they told you the truth whether you wanted it or not, and Derek had quickly become grateful for the reminder.

In that first week after Denny's death, Addison had let him be close to her, even ignoring his hovering when he was worried she was tiring herself out too much going back and forth from the hospital to Meredith's to care for Izzie. But when he had taken Addison home after Denny's memorial service, he felt her shut down on him. It stung, and his hurt feelings threatened to run wild on him until Derek realized exactly what was happening--his past intolerance was coming back to haunt them. Addison was acting on reflex, waiting for the moment when the Derek of the last few years would tire of her emotions and her neediness and begin to ignore her and lose patience with her tears and her silence.

The shame he felt at creating that doubt and hesitancy in her was immeasurable. And sitting there in Addison's living room, Derek realized the enormity of the work left in front of them even now that they knew their love was still there, that their desire to be together was stronger than ever.

[i]"Addie."

She was sitting in the chair furthest away from his position on the couch, Doc on the floor beside her. A mumbled something came at his speaking her name, but she wouldn't look at him, so Derek moved toward her, sitting on the coffee table before he reached out and put his hand over top of hers.

"Hey."

Her eyes slowly moved to him, and Derek held tighter to her hand when it felt like she might pull it away.

"I'm not gonna disappear, Addie. It's okay."

She crumbled at his words, and as tears poured down her cheeks, Derek eased her over into his lap and just held her as tightly as he could.

"I'm sorry."

"Sweetheart, you don't have to be sorry," he said in answer to her whispered apology. "I know what my track record is like, so what else would you expect? But I promise, that's over, okay? I'm here when you need me as long as you need me."[/i]

In that moment, his words had been just right. But Derek knew he would never be perfect, no matter how much he'd learned about himself, Addison or how their relationship worked. He'd gotten a stern reminder of that when he'd been pulled into an emergency surgery one night last week when he was supposed to be going to dinner with Addison, Bailey and Tucker. Though he had definitely improved on his stats from recent years--he'd actually remembered part way through the procedure that he'd forgotten to call Addison and asked a nurse to get a message to her--the fact remained he had let the date slip his mind, and the truth was, it scared the hell out of him.

Yes, he knew it was unreasonable for either of them to think he'd never forget plans--Derek had let things slip through the cracks as far back as their fourth date, when he'd confused himself by thinking they'd agreed to meet at the restaurant while she sat in her dorm room thinking he'd stood her up because she was waiting for him to come and get her. And Addison wasn't ridiculous about it. She knew full well what an emergency page could do to a dinner reservation or a promise to finally sit down and pick out family Christmas gifts because it had happened on her end, too. The difference, Derek knew, was that she always called him to let him know what was going on or at least made sure one of her nurses got in touch with him. He'd done the same for years before he'd simply started using the emergencies to avoid dinners and weekends that inevitably turned into talks about the state of their marriage and the growing distance between them.

When Derek had emerged from the O.R., rushing to try to change and find Addison to explain, he'd been met by Miranda Bailey's stern glare. That told him all he needed to know about how his forgetfulness had read to Addie. He'd opened his mouth to explain, but the resident gave him no chance to speak.

[i]"I read the chart. I can see how you got wrapped up in this and forgot. But she's not ready for this yet."

Derek sighed and leaned against the sink, his shoulders slumping.

"I swear, it was all I was thinking about. She loves this stuff, you know? Dinner with friends, a night of talking about favorite vacation spots or what new word Tuck learned, just a nice normal night as a couple... I can't believe I screwed it up."

"Well, you did." Bailey walked toward him, her hand coming to his shoulder. "And it threw her... but the message helped. Now the truth is, I came in here ready to beat you senseless... but I can see you're already taking care of that yourself. So I will forget for a minute that I had to watch my friend try not to fall apart tonight when she thought you'd stood her up, and I'm gonna give you a piece of advice."

"I clearly can use all the help I can get."

Bailey nodded and crossed her arms in front of her chest. "Yes, yes, you can. So do yourself and Addison a favor, and remember that you're a surgeon and this happens... so instead of going over there promising it'll never happen again, 'cause you know you'll be lying, go over there and figure out how to get through it when it does. Because that's really what it all boils down to, isn't it? You two can love each other to the moon and back, but it won't matter if you don't figure out how to get through the bad days together."[/i]

They had gotten through that particular bad day by each acknowledging what would have gone unspoken in years past--Derek admitted his ego as a doctor sometimes blocked out everything else, even her, and he asked her to feel free to point it out to him when he was too pigheaded to see it; Addison talked through her hurt feelings, explaining that she knew she was oversensitive about being a priority for him and confessing she was rather confused about how to get past it.

Really, they hadn't necessarily solved either problem for the long term, but they'd talked, they'd dealt with how they were feeling right there and then instead of letting it build up into a fight or some kind of wedge between them. For the Shepherds, that was decided progress, and so for now they were back on track. To keep them there, though, Derek knew it was time to make good on one promise in particular.

He stared at his reflection in the mirror another moment before taking a deep breath and heading out into the hallway. A quick inquiry revealed that Mark was in with Hank Vincent, and so Derek headed that way, determined to wait however long it took to grab a minute with the plastic surgeon. Putting it off could only lead to him losing his nerve.

"So seriously, Dr. Yang, is this guy pulling my leg, or is this surgery really the last big one?"

Derek stopped just outside the young patient's door and listened as Yang explained how they were going to repair his left mandible structure, which was, truly, the last "big surgery" before Hank would be fitted with dental implants and, hopefully, be on his way to a far better life than he'd have had without Mark's intervention.

What surprised Derek about the exchange wasn't Cristina's ability to expertly explain the procedure but rather that Mark was letting her. The legend of his ego was something that really couldn't be exaggerated, and it was a rare moment when Mark let another doctor, especially an intern, take center stage. But maybe this was just something he'd missed in all these months of pouting and posturing and being angry about having his former best friend around. Addison had told him repeatedly he wasn't giving Mark credit for really trying to change, for actually doing what everyone had been preaching to him about for years and acting more like a grown-up. Maybe it had all just happened when Derek wasn't looking.

"Get the pre-op labs done, and then go study up," Mark said as he and Yang exited their patient's room. "I'll see you in the O.R. tomorrow at 8 a.m."

Derek tensed as Mark's gaze landed on him, a questioning look on his face. Yang headed off to finish the task she'd been given, leaving the two men alone.

"Did you, uh... need a consult or..."

Sighing, Derek pushed himself up off the wall.

"I needed to talk... if you have a minute."

'Caught off guard' was an understated description of Mark's reaction, but when Derek headed toward the door to the observation deck that lined the south side of the surgical floor, the plastic surgeon followed.

"You're not gonna push me off this thing, right?"

For a moment, Derek almost seriously spoke to reassure Mark he was in no danger. Then he saw the small grin on the other man's face, and it made him laugh.

"I think Addison might get a little mad at me for that, so no pushing, I promise."

Mark leaned back against the large glass windows that separated outside from in.

"So what's up?"

"I, uh... have you talked to her lately... Addison?"

"Yeah," Mark replied. "We talk sometimes. She told me about the house thing."

"Oh, she... she did, huh?"

Derek watched as Mark nodded and gave a small shrug as he folded his arms across his chest.

"Your dad would be proud as hell about that, you building a home with your own two hands. And I'm sure Addison will love it."

The unexpected mention of his father and the emotion in Mark's voice caused Derek's throat to tighten as a lump formed there. It was true, his father would be proud of him, not just for the house but for the reasoning behind it, and it would take someone who knew his history this well for them to understand that.

"I hope she will," he said finally after recovering his voice. "It's coming along."

"I'm surprised Patricia hasn't sent Christopher out here to help you."

"Don't think she hasn't tried." Derek laughed softly, remembering the conversation with his mother as she suggested his brother-in-law Chris, who had long since taken over the Shepherd construction business, come out to "offer some advice."

"He did suggest I get a few guys to help me finish framing and doing the subfloor so I could put the roof on, that way I can take my time with the rest without worrying quite so much about the weather."

Mark put his hands up in mock surrender. "And now we've veered far off the path of things I actually understand, so..."

Derek nodded and took a deep breath. "Anyway, uh, the house is kinda tied into what I wanted to talk to you about, actually."

The other surgeon stood silently and waited for him to continue, so Derek forged on.

"I figured the actual building of it would help me work through some things... you know, let me get out of my own way. And part of that was about... about Addison and you."

There was a definite stiffening of Mark's posture, but he remained calm and continued to allow Derek to speak.

"It was easier to blame you than it was to... to admit that I just stood there and did nothing while my marriage fell apart. You're an easy person to make into the bad guy."

"I was a bad guy, Derek."

Mark's words stunned him, and now Derek found himself staring, waiting for some further explanation.

"I'm not saying you weren't an idiot, because you were. Anyone who could ever ignore that woman is just a fool. But no matter how much I loved her... and I did love her, Derek... she was still your wife, and what I did... it hurt her so much, which was the last thing I ever wanted."

"And I should've listened when Addison tried to ask me what was wrong," Derek said, his voice low as the all-too-familiar pain of those long ago months flashed through his gut upon Mark's deep and genuine regret. "I had a hundred chances to do better or to listen when you told me what I was doing to her..."

And now the time for the words had come, and it no longer felt overwhelming or hard to think about saying them because he knew he meant them as much now as he had when he said them to Addison.

"We all made mistakes, Mark. And if I expect Addison to forgive me, then I have to forgive her... and you. So it's... it's over, okay? No more jealous fits, no more blaming you for everything that went wrong. It's the past."

After their legendary hallway fight, neither man was sure whether or not there was a betting pool on the day when McDreamy and McSteamy would shake hands and finally bury the hatchet. But if someone had picked today, they were a winner. Derek extended his hand to Mark, who lifted his in return, and a firm handshake sealed their agreement to let go and move on.

"Derek," Mark said as he drew back his hand, "just one thing, okay? Don't ever let her feel like she doesn't matter again. I know you saw what that looks like... that night at the hotel when she broke down... and it's awful, and I just need to know that you're never going to let that happen again."

He did know. Derek sometimes still woke up haunted by the pain in Addie's eyes that night as her defenses had broken down completely right in front of him. It had nearly ripped him apart, the realization, finally, of how badly he had hurt the woman he'd promised to love and protect forever.

"I hope to God I'm never that stupid again, and she's promised me she'll call me on it if I ever am. But if it starts to happen and she's too proud to... please, Mark... slam me into a wall and pin me down if you have to... but this time, make sure I see it."

Mark sighed and pushed himself away from the windows, his hands dipping down into the pockets of his lab coat as he stared out at the Seattle skyline.

"You can count on it," he said as he turned so they were facing each other. "You can definitely count on me beating you senseless if you ever hurt her again."

Derek knew it was a serious promise and not a jest, and somehow it felt oddly reassuring--like having a best friend again--the threatened ass-kicking notwithstanding.

*****

In their failed attempt at marriage counseling, Addison had learned one lesson clearly... rebuilding a relationship was perhaps the hardest thing two people could do. Of course, it was impossible when only one of them was trying, and next to unthinkable when he thought he loved someone else and she'd been trying to convince herself she could be happy without him.

Sans the inept couples therapist, however, and with time and actual effort at working out their own individual pains and fears, Addison and Derek had a chance of being "Addison and Derek" again, and she found that amazing, terrifying and breathtaking all at the same time.

They had fallen so far and so hard, the pieces seeming so shattered that the very idea of putting them back together was the type of folly saved for a child who can't accept a cherished toy is now broken beyond repair. And yet miraculously, despite the fear she knew they both were feeling at facing failure again, at being hurt again, the remnants of Derek and Addison were coming together and becoming whole.

For her part, Addison knew her first real step towards believing in them again had been admitting she simply loved Derek too much to give up. He was flawed and he'd hurt her, but that made him no different than her, really, and he'd made an amazing point standing there, staring at the framework of the home he was building. They couldn't forgive each other without forgiving themselves and vice versa. And forgiving him and truly letting go of the past hurts meant there was little more than pride standing between her and the truth. So she had told him simply and honestly that she loved him.

Hearing him say the words back and believing them had been an incredible moment for her. And for a while, that coupled with the relief she felt at simply having Derek with her in the face of Izzie's loss had been enough to keep Addison from thinking too much about all that could go wrong as they worked toward reconciliation. But then she'd gotten tired, worn down from working too hard, worrying about Izzie and being pregnant, and it was in the midst of being that tired that the first misstep came.

She'd noticed something in the way Derek was looking at her--something real or imagined, she still wasn't sure--and it had triggered memories of the way he used to judge her emotions and shut down on her when she was sad or grieving or just needed his support back when they were falling apart in New York.

Addison had tried to tell herself she was imagining it. Derek had opened up to her so much since they had started to find their way back to one another, even telling her about how his professional pride had been the flashpoint for his indifference. She knew how hard an admission that had been for him to make. It wouldn't make any sense for him to close off after all that. But still, she'd felt like she was waiting for that old, familiar New York shoe to drop, and so before she got hurt, Addison had pulled away from him.

But Derek had fought through it. He'd found a way to make her hear him when he promised he wasn't judging her or shutting down, and he didn't tease her about being scared or make her try to feel weak for crying. He'd just held her until the wave of uncertainty passed by and she was steady again.

Something else that had changed since her early days in Seattle was that Addison didn't feel like she was all on her own anymore, trying to defend herself on all sides from whatever demons or troubles might come. Richard had always been there for her, and Adele adored her, and she'd known that but had been hesitant to stick them in the middle of her marital problems. Now, though, they'd made it clear they were there to be talked to and leaned on when things were shaky.

It helped, though, that she'd made friends of her own. Not that either Miranda or Izzie disliked Derek really, just that they were her friends first, and sometimes she just needed that familiar safety net of girlfriends who'd be on her side just because.

Miranda had become an incredible friend, and sometimes it was only her calm and rational words that kept Addison sane. Like the night Derek had appeared to forget their double date, leaving Addison alone at a table with Miranda and Tucker while she tried to ignore a swell of hurt feelings over their night together slipping his mind. In classic Bailey fashion, the resident had already been listing the ways in which she would punish Derek for his forgetfulness when Addison's cell phone rang.

The apology received via the charge nurse meant the world to Addison because in year's past, Derek would have forgotten their plans altogether. But God... that hour of feeling invisible again, the weight of all those awful memories... it had torn her apart, and Addison had barely made it to the restroom before turning into a sobbing mess. Miranda had found her there on a padded bench in the ladies' room.

[i]"This about tonight or about all the nights before?"

Addison swiped tears from her cheeks and looked over at her friend, who in turn reached out and put an arm around the redhead's shoulders.

"Will you think I'm twice as crazy if I say both?"

That earned a laugh from Miranda.

"I used to wish he'd remember..." Addison explained, "even if it was hours too late and dinner was ruined or the tickets to the show had gone to waste. I just wanted him to stop for a moment and realize that I was... missing, I guess."

"And he did," Miranda said. "He remembered, a little late, but... he's trying. That's gotta mean something, right?"

Addison nodded. "I know. And I'm grateful that he cared enough to call, I am, it's just... I still don't understand how that happened to us, Miranda? I mean, I know the basics, I know why we started to slip away from each other, but we let it go so far... and if that happened again, I don't know if I could take it."

More tears came then, and Miranda moved closer so that Addison's head came to rest on her shoulder.

"You know, I really do believe we learn from our mistakes. And you and Derek, well, y'all got a lot to learn from."

It was a true testament to how close they'd become that Miranda could make her laugh in the worst of moments.

"Gee, thanks. Anything else supportive you want to lay on me?"

"My point," Bailey said, "is that you two didn't know before that you could lose each other. But now you do. So maybe tonight, yeah, for a minute Derek slipped back into an old, bad habit. But then he remembered he could lose you... so he called."

"So now I have to remember that not forgiving him could make me lose him and forgive him?" Addison asked. "Is that how it works?"

"Yep," Miranda replied. "Something just like that, yeah."[/i]

The Bailey-Joneses had insisted on seeing her home that night, and a few hours later, Derek had arrived at Addison's door. She knew he felt awful when he didn't use the key she'd given him, opting instead to ring the bell and ask permission to come inside. It was a request she'd granted, and by the time they turned out the lights and curled up together to get some much needed sleep, they had at least talked about how they'd felt that night--Derek's panic at realizing his mistake, his sadness at knowing perhaps getting so wrapped up in work he genuinely did forget everything else was just part of who he was; Addison admitting how hard it was to forget the past even though she genuinely believed he was changing and working hard at making them one of his highest priorities.

She wasn't sure how to stop feeling so uncertain and he wasn't sure they'd ever really find that perfect balance between the demands of their careers and their commitment to each other. But at least they were looking for it again, together, and that had been the middle ground they settled on.

Things were good, and they were moving forward, but even when Mark had asked her about why she'd have Izzie move in with her rather than Addison moving in with Derek, she had felt a nagging sense of hesitation in her gut. It wasn't that she never wanted them to take that step, she just wasn't there yet. And for now, at least Derek seemed to understand that. But she knew he was pushing up the timeline for the house, and sometimes she wondered how patient he would be once their daughter arrived.

"Hey, the muffin girl is here!"

Izzie's voice rang out, and Addison couldn't help but chuckle as she moved to the front door, carefully dodging an excited Doc, and found her imagined view of Stevens was pretty dead on; the blonde was somehow balancing three large baskets of baked goods, an overnight bag and a shopping bag full of who knew what.

"You could have asked for some help bringing things in from the car, you know?" Addison spoke as she opened the door and was met with a roll of the intern's eyes.

"Today is about spoiling you and Baby Girl Shepherd, not you working. And you better not have been doing anything in this house today, or else."

Addison laughed and closed the door behind Izzie, who made it to the dining room table and plopped down the various baskets and bags.

"I got dressed, had some tea and talked with Derek's mother on the phone. That is the extent of my activity today."

"Well, good. Oh, and did you tell Mrs. Shepherd I wanted to do the cake for the shower?"

"She'd love it if you'd make it, and Nancy and Kathleen are deciding on their theme this week, so they'll call you directly since I apparently am being cut out of all the shower plans."

Izzie nodded and began to arrange the buffet of baked goods she'd brought for the nursery decorating party. Addison knew her friend genuinely wanted to do something for her and the baby, and with the Shepherds already having claimed the shower rights, Izzie had decided to get everyone together to do the heavy lifting part of putting the baby's room together as a sort of "pre-shower" party.

It wasn't clear how much of the energy she'd put into the plans was typical Izzie-overdrive and how much was a distraction from thinking about Denny or going back to work or what happened next in her life. But it was while they'd been running around town picking up wallpaper and paint and looking at baby furniture that Addison realized how genuinely close she and the younger woman had become. In fact, with Derek's sisters so far away, Izzie had begun to take their place in some ways, instituting girls' nights the way Nancy would have when Addison needed a distraction, listening to her love life woes the way Kathleen did.

It was at the end of one of those shopping trips that Addison had told Izzie she was welcome to come stay at the house if she wanted to escape her roommates hovering at Meredith's. They were both really redrawing the lines of their lives--Addison doing a 180 from being unexpectedly single to reconciling with Derek; Izzie forced to see her future without Denny. It was some small miracle, really, that they had each other to lean on when it was hard for the other people in their life to find the patience to sit through another crying jag or down night.

"What is all that?" Addison asked as she pointed to Izzie's shopping bag before nicking a chocolate chip mini muffin from one of the large baskets.

"That is an art project, and you can start if you like."

The blonde pulled a medium-sized canvas out of the plastic and moved to the coffee table, sitting it down. Addison noticed that it was marked off in nine even squares, the lines made with ribbon that matched the darkest green in Derek's old baby blanket.

"I have some paints and some brushes, and everyone can paint something in one of the squares... so it's an original, totally unique art piece for Baby Girl's room."

"Oh, Izzie," Addison said as she felt tears starting to pool in her eyes. "That's so great. I love it."

Noting her emotion, the younger woman stood and walked over, taking her hand and leading Addison to the couch so she could work on her paint square. "Come on, no crying today, right? For either of us."

Addison laughed and began to think about what she wanted to draw on the canvas. "Yes, Ma'am. No crying."

Izzie headed to the kitchen to make some coffee and get some other drinks ready, leaving the expectant mother alone to consider her artistic options. A few moments later, Addison realized that her brush strokes were forming a skyscape... the moon, the stars... It was perfect, really, because no matter how unrealistic it might be, what she wanted to give her daughter was the whole universe.

"So is Derek mad about the whole, you know, no invitation thing?"

Izzie asked the question as she returned to the living room and joined her on the couch.

"No," Addison replied. "At least he says he isn't. I hope he isn't. I mean, I wish he could be here and Mark could be here and it wouldn't be stressful, but..."

"No jealous fit because you wanted Mark here?"

Addison shook her head. "No. He said he'd accept my friendship with Mark, and so far he has. And I know Mark wants to feel like he's still part of all this. Derek will have the shower with his family, though he says it'll be pure hell asking him to spend a day with his mother and all his sisters."

"Well, good then. Maybe I'll have to give him a few more Attaboy points."

"Attaboy points?" Addison asked, and Izzie burst into giggles.

"Yep, me and Bailey have started keeping track of Derek's Attaboy points. When he makes you happy and acts like a grown-up, he gets more, when he acts like an idiot and makes you cry, down the points go. We figure when he's averaging three good points for every one bad one, then we'll decide he's done enough work to have you back."

Laughing, Addison stood and moved to get another muffin--this one banana nut--from the dining room table. "Oh, okay, so you two will let me know then when I should take the rings back?"

"We will," Izzie promised. "But he's got some serious work to do. He lost five Attaboys for the dinner thing."

"He did call, and he apologized."

Izzie joined her at the table, popping a blueberry muffin in her mouth. "Okay, I'll give him half the points back, but only because you didn't tease me about how much I baked for a half dozen people."

Said half dozen people--Richard, Adele, Miranda, Tucker, Karev and Mark--arrived and Addison enjoyed the lighthearted teasing and banter of her friends as they all enjoyed Stevens baking masterpieces and took up tasks in Baby Girl Shepherd's room. The mother-to-be, of course, was banned from doing any hard work, so she mostly supervised the work on the artwork canvas and confirmed which paint color or piece of wallpaper went where. She also steadily teased Mark and Alex, who had been charged with assembling the nursery furniture out in the living room, as their curses made it seem like the crib was the devil incarnate.

When the doorbell rang about an hour or so into the party, Doc, per usual, barked and ran excitedly through the open patio doors. Addison had to avoid his wagging tail as she made her way to the front door, where she found the last person she expected to see that day.

"Derek... what are you... doing here?"

Her eyes cast nervously to where Mark stood holding two pieces of crib together as Karev tried to get them connected.

"Did you forget that today was, um, the thing?"

Derek shook his head. "No, no, I didn't forget. I was invited."

Addison felt her brow crease. Izzie would have told her if...

"About time you got here," Mark said as he walked over, taking the door out of Addison's grasp and opening it wider. Doc took this as an invitation to jump up and get Derek's attention for some petting.

"You..." Addison looked from her friend to her ex-husband and back again. "You invited Derek?"

"I did. Now get in here and help us get this crib together or the baby's gonna be buying stock options before she sleeps in it."

Derek walked into the doorway and stopped, dropping a kiss on her cheek. Addison stood motionless, still too stunned to move until Doc rushed past her to follow the men, and she turned toward them.

"You two... talked... and no one is bruised or mad at me or... anything?"

"Nope, no bruises," Derek confirmed. "And last I checked, you hadn't done anything to make me mad at you. You, Mark?"

Mark shook his head. "No, not that I can think of, unless you ate the last blueberry muffin, in which case, I'm furious with you."

Addison stared at the two men who had so driven the past decade and a half of her life, and she wondered when one would sprout a second head. They were being so... normal, so Derek and Mark and so... not like they had been at any point in the past year if not longer.

Just then, Izzie emerged from the nursery to ask about where the block stencils should go. Her question died out on her lips though as she took in the sight of Derek working the screwdriver to finally successfully join the two crib pieces Alex and Mark were holding together.

"What is he doing here?" she asked as she made her way to Addison's side, her voice lowered.

"Apparently... Mark invited him."

"He what?"

"Mark invited Derek. And Derek said yes."

Izzie stared at them a moment and then leaned closer to Addison. "No dirty looks, no fighting, no... anything?"

Before she could answer, Mark released his hold on the crib and jogged over to them.

"I will explain later," he promised. "For now just... enjoy your day, okay?"

As Mark retreated, Izzie was on his heels, clearly wanting more of an explanation than he had offered. As they made their way toward the back patio, Derek left his crib building job and moved to where Addison stood, still a bit shell-shocked.

"You, uh, you're surprised."

"I am surprised," she admitted. "I didn't... I mean, I knew you said you would talk to him, but I didn't know you had."

"It was time," Derek answered, his voice easy and free of the edge she was so familiar with whenever Mark was the topic of discussion. "I mean, I don't think we're ready to go drinking together or anything, but... things are better."

Addison couldn't help but smile as he took her hand and held it tightly. This was always going to be the hardest thing after forgiving the affair... Derek accepting Mark back into their lives without the tension and jealousy they had all gotten used to. But it was gone now if not forgotten, and Addison felt like she could relax and enjoy this moment with both of them. It was something she had feared she'd never have again.

"Yeah, things are better," she agreed, her hand squeezing his.

"So what do you say, keep me company while I build Baby Girl Shepherd a bed?"

Addison nodded and followed him toward the crib. A few minutes later, Izzie crossed behind her with a plate of baked goods for the crew in the nursery, and she leaned down, her voice a whisper.

"Major Attaboy points?"

"A dozen at least," Addison confirmed. Then she stole a muffin off the plate before sitting down on the floor beside Derek, the returned Mark and Karev as they pushed the two remaining sides of the crib together to form a solid, safe place for her daughter to dream.

Commentary?

Contact the author