|
[b]1.[/b] She couldn't remember ever being here before even though the woman who had come to pick her up at Mrs. Gunderson's
house told her she had been several times, the first time just a few days after she was born.
"You were a tiny, tiny thing," Mrs. Allen said, "all big blue eyes and cheeks. Your mother couldn't wait
to show you off."
Addison had stayed at Mrs. Gunderson's house for a week after the accident. Her neighbor had always helped Mama take
care of her, and so she'd been more than comfortable curled up on the couch under the lilac afghan she had watched Mrs. Gunderson
knit last summer. She'd half expected to stay there until the old woman had gently told the little girl that her grandfather
was sending someone to collect her so she could go and live with him now.
No one had ever told Addison that her parents weren't coming home again. They had gone out to dinner after tucking her
into bed, her father stopping just long enough to pull one of her curls so it bounced back against her cheek and made her
giggle. But then instead of her mother and father, Mrs. Gunderson had been waiting for her with breakfast the next morning.
"There's been an accident, Sweetie. You're going to come stay with me for a bit, okay?"
But that felt like a long time ago. Today Mrs. Allen, her grandfather's housekeeper, was showing her around a very big
house, but all Addison could think of was that she would never remember how to get from her room on the third floor down to
the back door in the corner of the kitchen, which seemed to be the gateway to outside and lots of places to hide and forget
how scared she was.
With the tour finished, Addison took her teddy bear Milo and her favorite book, "Curious George," and climbed
into the window seat, too tired to try to find the back door or venture outside. But she couldn't read, either. The big
house was filled with noises and every time she'd look at a new page, a door would slam or something would jingle, and she'd
lose her place in the book.
She was just starting to think about how hungry she was when a knock drew her eyes to the doorway.
"Well, there's my little Addie," her grandpa said. He walked in, closing the door behind him, and came over,
sitting down across from her.
"And how are things going today?"
She shrugged and felt tears sting at her eyes as she tried very hard to be brave and not whine about how frightened she
was. Addison didn't want to be any trouble. She just wanted not to be so scared anymore.
"Aww, Grandpa's sorry I couldn't come get you myself, Addie Pie. It's been a very, very long time since I had a
little girl to look after, and I'm a little out of practice. Maybe you could forgive me?"
He opened up his arms to her and Addison bounded into them. No one but Mrs. Gunderson had hugged her in days. Well,
lots of strangers had tried, but Addison didn't want strangers, she wanted her mommy and daddy's hugs. But Grandpa hugged
her tight and for the first time all week, she felt a little bit less scared.
"You know what I was thinking when I was walking up here today?" he asked as he settled her on his lap.
"What?" she asked back, truly curious.
"This is a very, very, very big house. Goodness, a little girl could get lost here without someone to help her get
around. So I figured we better do something about that."
Her grandfather called out and the bedroom door opened. Addison craned her neck to find out what was going on because
at first, she couldn't see anyone who might have opened the door. Then she saw him--a floppy-eared fuzzy golden colored puppy
with a red bow was running toward them.
Addison scrambled out of her grandpa's arms and was met with puppy kisses all over her face. The dog's tongue tickled
and made her laugh.
"So what shall we call him?"
"Um..." She thought about it a moment, and then knew the perfect name.
"Pumpkin!"
Laughing, her grandfather climbed down onto the floor and joined them, one arm holding Addison close as the other scratched
the puppy's ears, and suddenly the house didn't feel so big anymore, and she couldn't hear any of the sounds that had made
her scared. She could only hear the sound of her grandfather whispering to her that everything would be all right.
[b]2.[/b] There are few things in life Addison finds more intoxicating than the feeling of Alex kissing the base of her
neck. She has no clue why, but when he does it, it literally makes her knees weak, and then he always chuckles in that purely
Alex Karev way that she'd want to smack him for if she weren't already focused on kissing him.
The fact that he's chosen to kiss her that way in the shower, the hot water pouring over them, in their favorite place
for making love that isn't their brand-new king-sized bed signals that they will be late for work this morning because she'll
be damned if she's going to let a little thing like rounds get in the way of where they're headed.
And then as Alex is creating a line of kisses across her abdomen from one hip bone to the other, she remembers that she
left work late last night, and therefore didn't run the errand she had sworn to run.
"Oh, God... I don't suppose you somehow knew psychically that I forgot to buy condoms yesterday and instinctively
picked some up, did you?"
Alex stands so their eyes can meet and he shakes his head. Addison sighs and leans her head against his shoulder.
"We could just take our chances," he says, his hands coming to rest in the curves of her waist. She leans back
and smiles at him.
"We've been taking our chances a lot lately," she reminds him. "Being careless, saying 'just this once.'"
She's not sure what to make of the way he looks at her before he drops his eyes.
"Would it really be so bad?"
He asks so quietly she can barely hear him.
"Would what be so bad?"
Alex brings his eyes back up hesitantly, almost as if he's afraid of what he might see.
"If we were careless and something happened... would it really be so bad?"
Her head has a half-dozen answers for him. They haven't been together that long, they've only made the switch to living
together in the last few months, and he's still got five years to go before he's done with his residency and she's his boss,
and they've never even talked about having kids let alone when they might have them.
But all of that gets drowned out by the very clear voice in her heart that says, "this is the father of your children."
It's not something she's ever felt before, not when she decided in her head that Derek would be a wonderful father after seeing
him with his nieces and nephews and not when she'd gotten pregnant with Mark's child and had to make the most difficult decision
of her life.
They haven't been together that long, and they have just moved in together and five years of residency is a lot for him
to have in front of him, and she is still his boss and will be for the foreseeable future and they haven't talked about having
kids. But Addison knows the answer to his question, and she leans her forehead against his and holds him tight against her.
"It wouldn't be bad at all. It would be wonderful."
[b]3.[/b] She has no idea how someone does it -- how they go in and take bombs out of places and risk their lives to
save other people, but she's grateful that someone [i]does[/i] do it because today her husband and her best friend's husband
are both alive because of them.
Addison finds Dylan Young in a gaggle of police officers still cleaning up their gear in the aftermath of the bomb in
the chest and the miracle that everyone got out alive.
"I just wanted to say... my husband was the brain surgeon who wouldn't leave. So I just wanted to say thank you."
The perfect hair seems grossly out of place on a man who had a live bomb in his hands an hour or so earlier, and he grins
and gives her a small shrug.
"Just doing my job, Doctor..."
"Montgomery-Shepherd," she answers. "And that may be true, but thank you anyway."
The next day, Meredith Grey is back at work and Addison stops cold when she sees Derek standing in front of the intern,
his hand rising to smooth the other woman's hair back off of her face. A wave of nausea passes over her and just when she's
sure she's going to pass out and make a scene, Addison feels two strong hands take hold of her arms.
"Why don't we go get some coffee?"
She recognizes the easy manner of the voice and can't pretend not to hear the concern there. A few moments later, Dylan
is kneeling in front of her in the doctor's lounge with a cup of water.
"No coffee?" she manages to ask, and when his smile beams at her, Addison feels herself smile back despite the
knot that is still tight in her gut.
"How about you have some water and then we can take a walk and get some coffee outside this place? I got a feeling
you could use a change of scenery."
Nodding, she sips at the water. The look in his eyes tells Addison her knight in bomb-squad gear has seen exactly what
rattled her, and she's almost sad that he feels sorry for her except it's nice to finally have someone feel bad on her behalf.
"Tell me, Officer, do you have any tips on defusing emotional bombs?"
Dylan thinks hard about her question before he answers, a thoughtfulness that surprises and touches her.
"A woman like you isn't gonna be able to live with half-truths or parts of someone's affection, not for long. And
if you're the one making the choices, they'll still hurt, but they might hurt a lot less that way."
She has a marriage to end and pain to feel and grief to process, and Addison is miles away from being ready to do anything
resembling dating or getting involved with someone. But just then, when Dylan Young takes her hand to help her up so they
can go find that promised cup of coffee, just then, the way he looks at her makes her feel beautiful... and she knows there's
hope beyond Derek Shepherd and the ghost of their marriage.
[b]4.[/b] Since she'd left New York, she's spent far too many days feeling alone, wondering why she doesn't pack up and
just go back to the familiar places and people that made up her life before... before the affair and the chase and the divorce
and the starting over.
Addison tried to figure out, again, why she wasn't back in her brownstone as she sat alone on floor of the attending locker
room with tears streaming down her cheeks. The news had hit her in the face, hard, with nothing to mute its impact. A plane
crash... there were survivors, but no one knew if Derek was one of them. She'd found out not from a page bringing her to
Richard's office or from Mark struggling to find the words but from the mournful cries of Meredith Grey, who stood by the
nurses' desk with Richard, Mark, Stevens, O'Malley and Yang all by her side, holding her up as she collapsed under the possibility
of Derek being gone.
There was no move to draw attention to herself or to ask questions. Addison didn't expect anyone to respond even if she
had cried out or spoken. Meredith was Derek's girlfriend. She was just the woman who had loved him for 15 years.
She held in the tears until she reached the locker room, until the cool tile pressed against her legs while she wrapped
her arms around herself and cried, praying that if God still listened to adulterous bitches, he would let Derek be all right
because she just needed him to be, even if he still wouldn't forgive her or wish her well or admit that he had loved her once.
"Addison."
Callie's voice found her first. The brunette sat down beside her, not saying anything more, knowing there was nothing
to say. Instead the redhead turned toward her friend and took the offered shoulder, the comfort too needed to be pushed away.
They sat in silence until the door opened again and both surgeons looked up to find Miranda Bailey moving toward them.
She quietly folded herself down beside Addison as well, her hand moving over to grasp the redhead's firmly.
"I don't... I shouldn't..."
Addison's voice faded and Callie tightened her embrace as Miranda squeezed her hand.
"You do and you should," the resident said.
"And we're here," Callie promised. "If you want to cry or yell or just sit here, we're here."
She had wondered a million times why she stayed in Seattle after Derek moved on. Addison was sure there must be any number
of reasons, but one, she realized as she sat there on the floor inside Seattle Grace, was that these two women loved her...
loved the flawed, wounded Addison with compassion and without judgment in a way she wasn't sure anyone before them ever had.
Seattle became her home with that realization, not because she had to stay but because her reasons not to leave were suddenly
crystal clear and sitting right beside her.
[b]5.[/b] The sight of Derek walking toward her along the strip of Malibu beach seems like a mirage until he stops in
front of her and Addison sees it really is him, just with a few more years and a little gray in his hair.
"What are you..."
She doesn't finish the sentence because truly, she's too stunned. They haven't seen each other in three years, not since
she flew to Seattle and handed him divorce papers before starting a new life for herself in California.
"I'm in town lecturing at USC," he says finally, a warm smile on his face, which also shocks her because the
last time she saw him, she was sure he'd hate her for the rest of his life.
"USC's a long way from Malibu," she teases, and Derek shrugs.
"I got your address from Mom. She sends her love, by the way, and I'm supposed to tell you she'll see you next month."
There's a slight pause before he goes on. "I didn't know she came out here to see you until... she never told me. But
I'm glad. I'm glad you two didn't lose each other."
Addison can only nod because there aren't words to express how grateful she is that her connection with Rachel Shepherd
has gone unbroken. There had been times in the past two decades of her life that only Rachel's kind words and love have gotten
her through.
"So did you... did you need something?" she asks, still uncertain why he's here, though she's not kidding herself
that it doesn't feel amazing to be standing in front of him again without anger staring back at her.
"I just... miss you. I didn't think I would. But I do... all the time. And I realized the only reason I was missing
you is because I wouldn't just talk to you."
She smiles at him and at his words because all this time, she thought she'd been missing alone.
"You could've called... anytime."
He stands there watching her a moment before he steps forward and takes her hand.
"Can we talk, do you think? About anything. I just need to talk to you for a while."
"Yeah," Addison says, gripping his hand as she pulls him to her side. "We can talk."
|
