He stared at the papers, and though the black and white of them made it impossible for Derek to deny their reality, he also couldn't accept what they meant. He dropped them onto the dining table inside the Airstream, and then he placed two phone calls. When he was done, he poured himself a cup of coffee, pulled a flannel shirt on over his thermal tee, and headed outside.

From the vantage point of the porch, you could just see the rise of the foundation his contractors had laid on the east side of the lake. From the ground, though, all you could really see of the building site that now occupied most of his free time was the beginnings of the framing.

The skeleton that lay before him was not representative of the promise of forever that had died with the finalization of the divorce. To Derek, it represented the frame upon which his new promise would be built. He had a lot of work left ahead of him, literally, figuratively, physically and emotionally. But he would do it. He would do anything, he knew now, to get her back.

After she had walked away from him that night at the hospital, her sadness matching his own, but her resolve to end their broken marriage unwavering, Derek hadn't had the faintest idea what to do next. He had wanted to go after her, but sense told him that pushing her was the worst thing he could do. So he had gone home and, with no one else he felt he could turn to, he had dialed the phone.

[i]"Oh, son," Patricia said, her voice full of sympathy after he'd recounted the latest developments to her. "I know that this is hard to hear, but maybe Addison is right."

Derek was stunned. "You think it's too late for us to save our marriage?"

"I think," she explained, "that your marriage as you knew it, as you lived it before, is over. And that's what Addison is feeling, sweetheart. She can't go back. And really, neither can you. You know that. But that doesn't mean you can't start over. You can always start fresh if you're willing to put the past behind you."

"But, Mom... when I do finally make peace with all that's happened, how do I get her to believe I have? Because I've told her that before, and it wasn't true and now she doesn't trust me anymore."

Patricia sighed. "First you really deal with the past, Derek, finally. And then, if you think she won't believe your words, you show her through your deeds that you've done what you promised this time. You can do it, but you have to be strong and you have to have patience. And you have to have faith that Addison's love for you will bring her home."[/i]

Patience and faith and strength was a lot to ask from a man who had been running from his problems for years, but Derek resigned himself to the truth in what his mother had said. So he promised himself that he would not go to Addison again and ask her to stop the legal machinery that was going to end their union. Instead, he would go back to what he'd been starting to do--he would fix himself and become a man that both Addison and their child could depend on.

The new house had been an unexpected yet welcome part of his efforts to find himself. Derek had started a new list in his journal that documented his new priorities--deal with his feelings about Mark, honestly this time, give Addison time to heal, be patient, find ways to distract himself from missing Addie, prepare a space both physically and emotionally for Baby Girl Shepherd.

Because he was still working on getting to the hard things, Derek started with what he believed would be the easiest task. He began poring through real estate listings looking for a place that was both comfortable for him and big enough to accommodate his upcoming role as a father. But the joke was on him, because no matter what neighborhood he looked at, whether it was a historic home or a newly-built hip townhouse downtown, nothing said "home" to Derek. What had seemed like the simplest matter for him to settle quickly became an obsession. He looked at new developments; he looked at rural, sprawling houses. Everything had something wrong with it.

[i]"Maybe the problem is that you're head is looking for a house for you and your heart is looking for a home for your family."[/i]

He'd been venting about the lack of quality real estate in Seattle to Preston as they played darts, and his friend's observation had caught him off guard because, damn, it was so easy and so clear, and Derek was really starting to wonder why everyone in his life seemed to understand him better than he understood himself. He wondered so much, he spoke the question aloud to Burke.

[i]"That's easy," Burke replied. "You're in your own way the same as we're all in our own way. It makes it hard to see what's right in front of you."[/i]

Derek had gone back to his now pages of real estate listings and looked over them again. Taking a new eye, letting his hope that he was indeed seeking out a home and not just a place with enough room for a crib and some toys, he found all of the assorted places still lacking. What had the right amount of room lacked the warmth he wanted, what had the warmth had the wrong layout or too small of a yard.

Realizing that what he wanted was not to be found already made, Derek had moved to the bookshelf in his bedroom to pull out the various books of his dad's that he had taken possession of after his father's death. One was a coffee table book of homes across America that were hand-built by their owners. John Shepherd had loved the idea of men and women taking their vision of the perfect home and turning it into reality since he found that most of the people he built homes for had very little vision when it came to what they really wanted. Several of Derek's young weekend days had been spent looking at the photographs with his father as they discussed what they liked and disliked about the various structures.

The second book Derek retrieved was an old catalog his father had loved--one of the original Sears kit homes brochures. Several of the Shepherd Construction houses in New York State modeled some of these floor plans because John had found them so sound and perfectly thought out.

Derek had revisited some of his favorite images in the books, remembering his father discussing the importance of proportion and balance in a house--having the right rooms in the right places.

[i]"Floor plans can't be decided willy-nilly. You need to know how close you want your kids' bedrooms, how much space your wife might need in a closet and if you want things like a big porch or a backside balcony. If you try to add something too late, you can compromise the whole structure."[/i]

Inspired, Derek had thrown out the printed real estate listings, deleted the pages he'd bookmarked online and begun a new Internet search. His fifth building site gave him exactly what he wanted.

It was a two-story log cabin home--three bedrooms, two baths, a large walk-out balcony that ran the entire length of the master suite. He could already imagine waking up and seeing the view of the lake from that balcony. There was extra storage room built into the floor plan that Derek could convert into a bigger closet for Addison and a play room for the baby. The master bathroom stood between the master bedroom and the room he'd make into the nursery. The third bedroom lay on the first floor next to the second full bath, giving them some space from any visitors who might stay over. The living and dining room was spacious and wide open, and the kitchen was exactly the kind he loved--open, well-appointed but with a kind of family-oriented intimacy boosted by the seating at the counter and a view into the dining area.

He'd bought the kit without hesitation, contracting with the builder to lay the foundation but deciding to do as much of the rest of the work on his own as his schedule would allow. Derek remembered the therapeutic feel of rebuilding the shelves after he'd destroyed them in his fit of anger. Maybe the best way, he mused, to clear his head was through hard work that had a definite purpose focused firmly on the future.

So Derek Shepherd was building a house for his family on the land he had run to when he'd left his family behind. And as he hammered and sawed and measured and drilled, Derek let his mind draw forth whatever issue it wanted to, hoping that he could move through his emotional baggage, process it, and get closer to the day when the pieces of wood he was working on could transform into a home filled with love and trust.

But this morning, Derek walked off the porch as Burke's Mercedes pulled up next to the Rover, trying to push the image of the divorce papers out of his head. Both Preston and Richard emerged from the vehicle, the chief dressed to fish, Burke dressed to sit and watch.

"Did you call her?" Richard asked as he reached into the trunk to get his gear.

"I did not," Derek replied. "I called the two of you, and then I came outside so I couldn't call her."

Burke nodded then walked over and put a reassuring hand on his shoulder.

"Good."

The three men made their way to the lake. Richard and Derek took up positions with some space between them before they cast their fishing lines into the water. Burke settled into a folding chair along the shoreline.

"I called her under the guise of confirming our lunch for today," Preston offered as he settled into his seat. "She sounds... down, which isn't a surprise. She said she was going into work early."

Derek nodded. "Addie likes to sit in the NICU when she's upset. I've always known where to find her when we've had a fight or she's having a bad day."

"Did you tell her about the house yet?" Richard asked.

"No. Other than the amnio and one lunch, we really haven't seen each other outside of work. I've been trying not to push."

Both men understood that without further explanation. Preston and Richard had both been charged with helping him keep his distance from Addison once Derek resolved that he needed to do just that. Bailey, of course, was also helping because if she caught him starting toward Addie in the halls at work, she'd step in front of him and ask if his approach was about a case. If it was, she'd let him pass. If it wasn't, her glare sent him back from where he'd come.

He credited his friends' help with being the reason that Addison had phoned him despite how they had left things that night in the parking lot to remind him about her amnio appointment a few days later. Derek hadn't needed the reminder--the date, which had been rescheduled after Addison's injury in the E.R.--had been on his calendars at work and at home as well as in his Palm Pilot. But he'd been unsure if he was still welcome, and hearing her voice confirm that he was had given Derek his first real sense of relief since she had walked away from him.

When he had heard that Denny Duquette had been rushed into surgery to deal with a blood clot in his lungs, and knowing that Miranda couldn't give up her whole weekend, Derek had contemplated offering to stay with Addison for the 48 hours following her amnio since Dr. Winslow wouldn't want her to be alone in case there were any complications. He had no idea how that offer might be received and while Derek had been mulling it over, his cell phone had rung. The caller I.D. screen displayed Addie's home number, and Derek had to swallow the lump in his throat before he answered.

[i]"Hey, um, I just got off the phone with Mom. She wants to come visit for a few days, and I mentioned the amnio was this week, so she wants to fly in Thursday afternoon, spend the night with you and then come to my place over the weekend, if that's okay with you."[/i]

It was more than okay with Derek, and he'd taken the initiative to get on the phone with Patricia and book her flight that day. It was hard to imagine that it wouldn't have been stressful to Addie to have him hovering over her while she was supposed to be resting, and having his mother there was as good a solution as he could imagine. Not only did it mean his wife would be in good hands, but he knew that being with his mother would help remind Addison of what their family was like. Anything that helped keep that memory alive for her now was a good thing.

That was how Derek had ended up spending the night before the amnio sitting in restaurant in Seattle with his mother talking to her about his plans for the new house.

[i]"I like it," she said. "I know it's a cliché, but actions do speak louder than words. You're doing something she can see, something she wanted from you before..."

Patricia's voice trailed off, and Derek nodded.

"Before I asked for this god-awful divorce."

His mother's silence was answer enough.

"What about Meredith?" Patricia asked, breaking the quiet finally. "Have you spoken to her any more since you two ended things?"

Derek shook his head. "Not really. She tried to talk to me the night Addie and I lost our patient, but... I do need to go talk to her though. I need to convince her to let Doc stay with Addison."

"How do you think that'll go over?"[/i]

He imagined his expression had spoken volumes about just how poorly he expected the conversation with Meredith to go. But Derek had tabled his need to deal with the issue temporarily because the next day was the amnio, and while he felt confident that their baby was healthy and developing normally, he anticipated how nervous the actual test would make Addison, and thinking about anything else needed to wait.

Derek arrived at Robert Winslow's office to find he was absolutely correct about Addison's state of mind. She lay on the examination table with her arms crossed protectively over her belly, her eyes closed as she drew in deep breaths and released them slowly. Unable to resist the need to comfort her, Derek let his hand take hold of one of hers, and he leaned over and placed a light kiss against the top of her head as her eyes opened.

[i]"She's fine, Addie. Nothing is going to be wrong."

"I know," she replied uncertainly. "I know. It's just... I'm not used to being on this side of it, and I... I don't want anything to be wrong."

He sank down onto the stool beside the table and squeezed her hand tighter.

"Nothing is going to be wrong. I think you and our little girl have been through enough drama for one pregnancy, don't you?"

Addison flashed him a weak smile, but the worry stayed on her face.

"And if anything is wrong," he began, "then let's just remember that this baby has access to the best NICU in the country thanks to all the hard work her mother has done establishing it."[/i]

That had won him a real smile, and Derek remembered feeling her grip on his hand tighten slightly as the door opened and Robert joined them.

Winslow was a good doctor, and it was obvious he was well aware of Addison's nerves. He spent extra time doing the baby's measurements and doing the basic visual exam via the ultrasound image so that she'd have time to relax and to take some comfort from seeing their unborn child on the screen. And once the amniotic fluid had been withdrawn, Robert had been sure to let them hear the baby's strong heartbeat over the monitor as reassurance that all was well.

By the time the appointment was over, Addison was calmer and even cracked a joke about how, if the test came back showing they were having a boy instead of a girl, she owed their son a serious apology. But it was a testament to how concerned she was about eliminating any potential complications that she'd not even so much as argued when Derek proffered a wheelchair to take her out of the hospital to the where he had the car waiting. Patricia, who had been catching up with Richard, had joined them there and soon enough, Derek was waving good-bye to the two most important women in his life.

With the sure knowledge that Addison and the baby were being well taken care of and with the hour too late to get much work done on the house, Derek had decided to finally face up to the conversation he'd been avoiding with Meredith. He drove to her home, having already noticed that her group of interns was off today, and parked in front of the familiar house. It seemed a lifetime ago that Derek had spent nights here, thought his heart dwelled here. Now he viewed the house, his whole affair with Meredith, really, as a symbol for how lost he'd become.

[i]"I'm surprised to see you here."

Meredith spoke as she stepped aside and let him through the front door. Uncomfortable in a house he'd once roamed naked, Derek stood in the entry with his hands in his pockets.

"I, uh... how have you been?" he asked.

"Fine. I'm fine. You?"

"Good. I'm, uh... my mom's in town, so, you know, busy... good."

She nodded and stared at him, and Derek felt an overwhelming urge to do what he'd come for and leave as soon as possible.

"I thought we should talk about Doc."

"Oh." Meredith blinked, as if surprised at the subject. "I... yeah, I guess I didn't think about that when we..."

"Yeah," he replied, "I, um... he's actually been staying a lot at, um... at Addison's. You know, she was home recovering, and she's just been... she's been around more, so he's been at her place a lot."

Meredith said nothing in response to his narrative. Derek felt like that was a bad sign.

"I... you know, I love the dog, but the truth is, he seems... happier now. He's at home there with--with Addison. So I was thinking that, um, we should really... let him stay there."

Her eyebrows narrowed. "You want me to let Addison have my dog?"

"Well, technically, you already gave the dog to me... and to Addison... quite awhile ago."

"No, Derek." Meredith's arms crossed angrily in front of her. "I gave the dog to you. Addison was just... there."

"Meredith..."

"No, I mean, seriously? You expect me to just give my dog to your wife?"

"When Doc was eating my furniture, I don't remember you being so willing to take him back," Derek snapped.

"Right, and that's when you came up with this brilliant idea to share him with Addison."

He sighed, exasperated. "For his good. The dog was miserable, Mer, you know that. He was eating the trailer because he was pissed Addison was gone. And now that he's with her, he's happy. Why not just do what's best for him?"

"This isn't about what's best for Doc," she spat angrily, "this is about Addison getting what Addison wants. Well, she already got you and she's having your baby, and I really don't think it's fair for her to get my dog, too. So I'll break the news to Izzie and George that Doc is coming home soon, and we'll work out when I'm picking him up."[/i]

It had been a disaster, and Derek had left Meredith's house frustrated beyond believe. He'd spent the rest of his weekend pounding out his annoyance on the wooden framing of the lake house as he tried to figure out how he could fix the situation so that Addison and Doc didn't pay for his inability to deal reasonably with his ex-girlfriend. So he was stunned a few days later when Meredith called to say that she'd decided she really had given the dog to Derek, so whatever he thought was best for the dog was fine.

Derek had no idea what had been responsible for the turnaround, he was just thrilled to be able to pick up the phone and tell Addison that he'd finally settled things about Doc, and that if she didn't mind having him more, he would take him on some weekends or whenever she needed a dog-sitter. Addison had seemed surprised at his call, but had readily agreed.

The Monday after their amnio, Derek's mother had returned to spend her last night with him, and he had taken Patricia to where the house would stand and let her see what the view would be like. Though she wouldn't go into detail, his mom had said that the visit was a very good one.

[i]"She still loves you, Derek."

His mother's word drew unexpected moisture to his eyes.

"Be sure of that and keep fighting."[/i]

He held onto those words whenever he missed Addison too much and was tempted to call
her, and the hope they inspired grew in small measures on the rare occasions when she reached out to him, like when she had come by his office a few days ago to tell him the results of the amnio.

[i]"Baby Girl Shepherd is officially a baby girl, and she is also perfect."[/i]

They had shared a rare meal together after that, and though it was only lunch in the cafeteria, for an hour he'd had her with him and they had talked and laughed, and it felt like everything he ever wanted.

"You should show her," Preston said, his voice jerking Derek back to the present.

"What?"

"The house--when you're ready for her to know, you should bring Addison out here, show it to her."

Derek nodded. He would do that. When he was ready, he would swallow his pride and he would go to her and ask her to let him show her something special. But today, he was going to stand here and be with his friends and then go to work and tend to his patients and try not to think about how heartbreaking it was to know that, as far as the law was concerned, Addison was no longer his wife.

He wanted to wish that she wasn't hurting over it was much as he was because Derek was as tired of seeing Addison's sadness as he was of feeling his own. But he tried to take some hope in the fact that he knew today was just as hard on her and that they were united in wishing this day had never come.

****

Even when he had been falling in love with his best friend's wife, Mark had always known how to talk to Addison. He had become skilled at having pithy and innocuous comments at the ready to cover the constant combination of guilt and desire he lived with when he came face to face with her, and for years, it had been enough. So he'd never avoided her or gone out of his way to limit their contact even when his desire for her had reached a nearly uncontrollable level.

Now, though, when he rounded a corner and saw her, he sought an escape route. Mark knew that made him an ass. Even though she was hurting and scared and confused, Addison was doing nothing to avoid him. In fact, one day she'd cornered him as he was coming out of his apartment, meaning she had purposefully come to find him.

[i]"I know you probably don't want to talk to me, and I understand. I just... I hope that won't last. I miss you. Which is probably unfair of me to say, but it's true."[/i]

He did not tell her how much she was missed in return nor could Mark think of any way to tell Addison what it meant to him that she so clearly wanted him to be all right.

It was human and it was reasonable that Addison wished she could go back in time and undo their affair, but it had hurt so much to hear her admit it. Mark understood that she was just trying to be honest with herself and with him, and he appreciated that. But at the same time, the feeling of loss at knowing that, most likely, the future he'd hoped for with her was gone--it left behind an emptiness he didn't know how to manage.

Part of him wanted to just turn tail and run in the wake of her confession, and Mark had very nearly gone to see Richard a half a dozen times to discuss getting out of his contract. He'd been thinking about it yet again sitting alone at lunch when Izzie Stevens sat down at his table.

[i]"I thought I'd come by and see how you were. Because I know how she is, and it's not good."

Mark eyed the intern and shrugged.

"Am I supposed to feel bad about that?"

The typically male response earned him a sour look.

"Don't be that guy, okay? Because you know she's my friend, and if you're gonna be that guy, I'm going to walk away and let you sit here and be depressed all on your own."

He sighed and shook his head. "I didn't mean it anyway. I... I know she's hurting about everything, me included, and I hate it. Mostly I hate that there's not a damn thing I can do to help."

Izzie nodded and took a bite of her lunch before she spoke again.

"The really weird thing is that she fits with you both, you know? I mean, you and Derek couldn't be more different, but I see how Addison could love you both."

"Yeah," he said, hoping his voice didn't sound as bitter as he felt, "but she loves him more."

"Not more," Izzie said before she paused to attack her lunch again. "It's just different. And I could have seen it ending up either way. I mean, the two of them are like this couple you'd find in a Charlotte Bronte novel--gorgeous and smart, quick-witted, crazy about each other, but always making things harder on themselves than they need to. "

He smiled more at Stevens' animated expression as she described Derek and Addison than at the description itself, though he couldn't argue with her summation of the couple.

"So what are Addison and I like?"

"You two are like... you two are a couple in a Howard Hawks' movie... sexy and sassy, and the banter and the fighting makes it all better. But there's the chance it's more flash than substance, so you always hold back a little."

He wasn't sure what to say to that. It wasn't hard to picture him with Addison in a small office somewhere spouting double entendres about racehorses à la "The Big Sleep." But the problem with those Bogie and Bacall movies was that you never knew what happened after they looked at each other longingly in the last frame. For all anyone knew, they broke up the next day.

"You know, most days I was even rooting for you," Izzie continued, "because really, Derek is... selfish, and he's hurt two of my friends, and sometimes I really don't like him."

That made him smile again for some reason. "Yeah, sometimes I'm not so crazy about him myself."

"But you still love him, too, right? I mean, you and he were friends for a long time, and even though he makes you want to beat his face in, everything you went through together... that didn't all just go away because you fell in love with Addison."

Over the past several years, Mark had felt the evolution of his feelings for Derek shift from deep, genuine friendship and brotherly love to jealousy and frustration and finally to contempt. And the fulcrum upon which his emotions had swung was Addison. Everything about her, from her beauty to her laugh, made Mark envious of all that his friend had. Her tears made him want to shake Derek until the idiot woke up and realized what he was doing to his amazing wife. And when his friend had walked out on the woman they both loved without putting up any kind of fight? That was Mark felt friendship and love replaced with disdain.

So Izzie's question truly made him stop and think.

"I guess if he really needed something from me, I'd still try to be there for him. But it's not like before. Derek's not exactly who I thought he was."

The blonde shook her head.

"No. But none of you are, really, not to each other, not anymore. You all kind of had this idea of who you were, and then things got messy, and now it's time to pick up the pieces and just... be who you are. I really think that's all Addison is trying to do, just be who she is and not pretend everything's a certain way anymore for either one of you."

Mark sipped at his cappuccino before giving the intern a small smile.

"You really like her, don't you?"

"Well, she's hard not to like," Izzie confirmed, "and trust me, I tried for a long time. But Addison's just... she's this real, live grown-up person who makes mistakes and gets up and keeps moving anyway. And I respect that a lot. I wish I was more like that."

"You don't strike me as someone who let's much get in your way, Stevens."

She grinned at him and tried to cover a giggle.

"No, I don't, at least, not careerwise. But life stuff is harder. And I think sometimes I get worried that I can't balance it all, you know? I'll lose track of being the me I am away from medicine or I'll be so distracted by all that, I won't be a good enough doctor. But Addison does it. She doesn't think she does, but she does, a lot better than anyone else around here."

Mark nodded. "Underestimating herself is probably her biggest fault. Though, personally, I would put loving Derek as a close second."

Izzie flashed him a look that reminded him of Bailey, and he couldn't help but laugh.

"All right, I'm officially done trying to cheer you up now," she said as she stood and gathered her trash. "Just... she was trying to do the right thing for you, too, you know?"

"Yeah," he admitted grudgingly, "I know."[/i]

For days after, the conversation had replayed in Mark's head repeatedly along with a hundred other images and sound bites from the last few years of his life. The onslaught usually hit him as he ran on his treadmill, hoping to get some clarity and distance from his emotions. He figured that's what he needed most now, especially after talking to Izzie. Because the truth was, it wasn't just time to accept that his campaign to come to Seattle and win Addison had failed, he had to figure out what that meant in the larger scheme of his life.

Addison was his best friend now that he and Derek were no more. And even if he someday managed to let go of his romantic love for her, he would always love her because she was his family. He was invested, too, in the future of Baby Girl Shepherd, in making sure that no matter what happened with her parents, the little girl always had silly Uncle Mark around to make her smile.

His practice here in Seattle was going well, the craniofacial unit coming together more and more every day, and Mark couldn't truly fathom handing all that hard work over to someone else. He was making friends, he was... settling down.

That was a concept that made him shake his head and wonder what Derek would think if he could hear Mark actually admit it.

And that always brought Mark back to the one thing he'd pushed away for as long as he could. Derek was not just going to go away, and the relationship he'd imagined they might have--Derek remaining the bitter, distant ex-friend and ex-husband while Mark made a family with Addison--that was gone. Whether or not Addison ever took Derek back, the simple reality was that she and Derek would remain connected forever because of their daughter and because of the deep bond they shared. If Mark was going to be a part of Addison's life and not constantly be a source of pain and upset, then that meant he had to find a way to coexist with Derek again.

How was perhaps more difficult to conceive of than a cure for a fast-mutating retrovirus, but Mark knew it was a must. And until he had some idea of what to say or do to try to start them down that path, Mark made a vow to avoid being the source of friction between the couple by giving them space to sort out everything going on between them.

The day of Addison's amnio, Mark had purposefully scheduled himself off so that no hallway encounter would spark Derek's temper or cause more stress for Addison, who he knew would be a wreck. So he called her that morning rather than going near Seattle Grace.

[i]"Hey, I just wanted to tell you to relax. Baby Girl Shepherd is gonna ace this first of the zillion tests to come in her life. So no worries, okay?"

Addison laughed slightly, but then he heard a small catch in her voice.

"I was almost going to cancel it," she admitted. "I mean, even if something were wrong now, I couldn't... but I know it's what's best for her, so I'm ready if we're going to have any challenges."

"You won't have any, Addison. But I know you're going to worry anyway, so just don't make yourself too crazy."

He took a deep breath before asking his next question.

"Is, uh... is Derek staying with you this weekend to make sure everything's okay?"

"Actually, Mom came out. She's gonna fuss over me and help me look at about five dozen baby decorating catalogs."

"Patricia's here?" he asked. "Well, now I can rest totally easy. You two are in the best hands possible. Just don't let her call me too many bad names, okay?"

"Mark, she doesn't call you bad names," Addison assured him. "Actually, if you'd manned up and called her once, you'd know that."

He shrugged even though she couldn't see him. "Not that brave, I don't think. But give her my love, okay? And remember, keep Uncle Mark in the loop when you get the results."

"I will. And, Mark... thanks for checking on us."

"Always," he said. "I'm not going anywhere, okay? I promise."

"That's good to know," she replied softly before hanging up the phone.[/i]

He'd known when he said it that he meant it. Despite his contemplation of a run for the Canadian border or a one-way ticket back to New York, Mark had felt an ease settle into his gut when he told Addison he wasn't leaving. His decision to stay and make it all work was made... and it was back to trying to figure out the how.

He started by doing what made the most sense, and that was focusing on the parts of his life not related to Addison. He had started friendships with Alex and Izzie, and he made a point of seeking them both out to keep himself distracted. Karev was always up for a pickup basketball game or a night out watching a game on TV, and though he most often found Stevens during her off hours with Denny Duquette, he was welcomed into the occasional Scrabble game.

And of course, there was work. Mark dove into his work, taking on extra pro bono cases and filling the surgery board, quickly becoming everyone's favorite attending because of the sheer volume of surgical opportunities that went along with being his intern.

But no amount of activity or avoidance kept Mark from being reminded that the main thing he had to do was find a point of acceptance about Addison. And even though they'd spent some strained moments together, like when she'd come by his office with a coffee to tell him that the amnio results had been the best of news, today Mark had risen from bed after a sleepless night knowing that this was going to be one of those days when he should try to give her space.

He knew it because Miranda had told him that Addison had refused to postpone the divorce. That the redhead hadn't volunteered this information herself told Mark she was being probably being cautious about implying her decision had anything to do with him, thereby not giving him more false hope. But he didn't need anyone to tell him how painful an effort it had been for her to refuse when Derek had finally come to his senses and made the request. She loved her husband, and she had waited so long for some sign that he loved her in return. But Mark had seen with his own eyes how the hope for Derek to take some action had worn her down. She just wasn't ready to trust on faith alone, and no one could blame her for that.

So today, for the first time in a dozen years, Addison and Derek were no longer husband and wife. Mark couldn't imagine how the reality of that was affecting either of them, and he had no desire to make the hurt deeper by reminding them of the part he'd played in crumbling their marriage.

He'd kept himself off the O.R. boards today, determined to stay in his office and do paperwork, hoping it would keep all three of them safe from any awkward moments. And then tomorrow... tomorrow Mark would call Addison and remind her he was still here for her.

He had no idea when he'd finally get up the nerve to talk to Derek... but he did know it was something he had to do before any of them could start to feel safe enough to move on.

*****

"Mom, what if I was wrong?"

Addison squeezed her eyes tightly and leaned back in her chair, the phone pressed close to her ear. She heard Patricia Shepherd sigh on the other end of the line.

"Addie, honey, I know you. There's no way you would've let that divorce go through if you weren't sure it was the right thing to do."

Her mother-in-law's voice was comforting and her words logical, but Addison couldn't seem to push down the regret that had welled up inside of her at seeing the final papers this morning.

"All that's happened is that you and Derek both get to start over," Patricia continued. "You both have the chance to remember who you are when you're not part of 'Derek and Addison,' and maybe then you can remember why you wanted to spend forever together in the first place. And if not, then at least maybe you'll be better to each other as friends and parents later on."

"I know you're right, Mom. I'll try to remember that."

After a warm good-bye from Patricia and a caution to take care of herself and the baby, Addison hung up the phone and moved to pour herself a cup of tea from the electric pot in her office.

Sipping at the warm liquid usually helped her feel more calm and centered, but today Addison wasn't sure anything could do that. Instead she just felt sad and uncertain, her thoughts alternating from worry that she'd made the biggest mistake of her life when she had not agreed to Derek's request to call off the divorce to a stoic acceptance that she'd done the best thing for both of them despite the pain.

At least now, she'd told Patricia, they were both free to make the best choice for themselves as individuals. She never wanted Derek to view her as an obligation again, and now if he did decide he wanted to reconcile, it wasn't because he was bound to her by a vow they'd made when they were two totally different people. And that, Addison knew, was the truth of things... she and Derek were no longer the same man and woman who had made those promises to one another. Whether or not the people they were now were capable of making the same promise... well, that was what they needed to figure out once and for all.

After leaving Derek in the parking garage, Addison had gone home to find Izzie waiting for her, as promised, with pizza and ice cream and a ready shoulder to lean on. Hours after she had dissolved into tears on the front steps of her home in her friend's arms, Addison had sat curled under a blanket on one end of the sofa with Izzie mirroring her pose on the other end listening to a recounting of everything that had happened that day.

[i]"You did the right thing, you know?" Izzie said, her voice warm and compassionate. "You had to tell Mark how you felt, and if you're not ready to give Derek another chance, then you're not ready. No one can fault you for that."

Addison nodded and let her fingers play with one of the corners on the blanket.

"I never would have believed that, given a chance to stop it, I wouldn't take it, but... as much as I still love him, I just couldn't do it. I don't have another leap of faith in me."

"And why would you? I mean, believe me, for everyone's sake, I really hope that Derek is finally on his way to figuring out what he wants, but it's not like he hasn't said that to you before and been totally and completely wrong and ended up hurting everyone and..."

Izzie cut herself off and sighed deeply. "Sorry, I didn't mean to rant. I just... really, really don't want to see you hurt again."

"I know," Addison said, smiling slightly. "And as for Mark... I just don't ever want to see him as hurt as he was this morning, not because of me. He deserves better than that."

"He'll understand. Probably not anytime soon, but eventually he'll realize how much love it really takes to let someone go... and he'll know how lucky he is you cared that much."[/i]

If the way Mark had avoided her those first days was any indication, it was going to be a very long time before he decided there was anything lucky about Addison telling him she couldn't be with him. Not that she begrudged him the distance. She'd needed the same thing not so long ago from Derek, and so she couldn't deny it to Mark now. But the more time that passed, the more she began to worry that he might have taken her words not only to mean that she couldn't pursue a romantic relationship with him, but that she didn't want any contact with him at all.

When he'd seen her waiting outside his apartment, Addison had momentarily feared Mark might yet again turn and walk the opposite direction. But instead, he came toward her, and she spoke from her heart, hoping to bridge the painful break between them.

[i]"I know you probably don't want to talk to me, and I understand. I just... I hope that won't last. I miss you. Which is probably unfair of me to say, but it's true."

Mark stared at her a long moment before he nodded and gave her a small smile.

"You guys okay?" he asked, motioning toward her ever-growing midsection.

"We're okay," she answered.[/i]

He had walked her to her car, though they'd made the trip in silence, and Addison had been forced to put her hands in her coat pockets to keep herself from hugging him good-bye.

Yet as hard as it was to take the tension between her and Mark, the strange place she now found herself in with Derek was even more exhausting and difficult to manage. Every moment of every day, Addison carried a reminder with her of the hope she'd once held for her marriage, and their child made it nearly impossible for her to push him from her mind for any real length of time. When she began to feel small flutters of movement, Addison wanted to share them with Derek. When she started falling in love with little pieces of clothing or soft, snuggly blankets, she wanted to show them to him. But at the same time, Addison didn't feel like she could trust herself not to lose her resolve in his presence, and so as she'd done when they had first separated, she tried to limit their contact to the necessary, the unavoidable.

More than once, she'd caught Miranda interrogating Derek as her estranged husband started toward her in the halls of Seattle Grace. Addison had never really asked her friend to run interference for her, but the resident's mama-bear instincts just came naturally, and sometimes, the results even made the attending smile despite the longing she felt to tell Derek it was okay, that he could come and talk to her, even when she knew better.

[i]"Dr. Shepherd, I believe you know what I'm about to ask you, yes?"

Miranda's hand went to her hip as she looked up the full foot and a half Derek held on her. Addison watched as his blue eyes dimmed a bit and he let out a sigh.

"Yes, Dr. Bailey, yes, I do. And, no, I was not going to speak to my wife about a case. I was going to just ask her how she was doing this morning."

"She's good," Miranda said. "We had breakfast and she's good except that you and Sloan have her twisted around in a gigantic knot. So I'll tell her you asked after her, and when she's ready to talk to you, she'll let you know."

Derek's eyes shifted to her, and Addison looked at him apologetically. He gave her a small smile before dropping his gaze back to the resident.

"Thank you, Dr. Bailey. And please tell her I said she looks beautiful this morning."[/i]

It was moments like that when Addison questioned the gut instinct that had told her to refuse him about postponing the divorce. Because he really did seem to be trying... but then Miranda or Izzie or her own thoughts would remind her she'd believed that before and been wrong. And so again, she would decide she had done the only thing she could, no matter how much it hurt.

Still, there'd been no question that she wanted Derek at her side when she finally went in for her postponed amnio test. She felt strongly that the baby was healthy; it had to be to have survived their close call in the E.R. But it was hard not to be nervous as the appointment drew closer. Maybe that fear was what had prompted her call to Patricia for a little motherly reassurance.

[i]"My grandchild is perfect. I already know this, so I am not worried. Now I won't tell you not to worry, but it's all for naught because she's perfect."

Addison laughed. "Okay, Mom. I'll try to take your word for it."

"Have you started on the nursery?" her mother-in law asked.

"I've looked at some things, but I haven't really started. I think it all seemed further off than it really is."

"Well, I've been going through the attic, and I have a few things I'm going to send out to you. And you won't hurt my feelings if you don't want to use them, okay? But all the kids get things from their baby stuff for their own little ones. That's just how it works when you're a Shepherd."

Addison felt her eyes moistened a bit. "Shouldn't you send them to Derek?"

"Addie..." The older woman paused and sighed. "He told me about what happened, what he said about Mark and the affair, and he told me you want to go ahead with the divorce."

"Mom, I just..."

"You don't have to explain it to me, honey. And I'll tell you exactly what I told him. Maybe you two do need a completely fresh start. And in time, things will work out the way they're meant to. You just have to believe that."

It was too hard to talk about it anymore, and so Addison turned the conversation back to the upcoming test.

"Well, for now I have to focus on planning a weekend of nothing, including worrying about my unraveled marriage. I'm under strict orders to take it easy after the amnio."

"Is someone staying with you to make sure you do nothing?" Patricia asked.

"My friend Izzie was going to, but her boyfriend's in the hospital, and he's having complications. So I may end up staying at Richard and Adele's."

"Well, listen, I've been wanting to come out and see you kids forever. Why don't I come out for the weekend? I'll see Derek before and after, and you and I can catch up more and maybe get started on ideas for that baby's room. What do you say?"[/i]

Addison had quickly said yes, and after finding Derek just as agreeable, she tried to distract herself with putting some finishing touches on the one furnished guest room at home while she made all the notes Doctors Pollock and Winslow would need to cover her patients in an emergency during her weekend off.

And then the day of the test arrived. Mark's phone call to reassure her that all would be well had touched her deeply and given Addison hope that perhaps their friendship was really healing even if would still need a lot more time to finish mending. But once she'd checked in and gone into the exam room, every "what if" she could imagine began to run through her mind. Addison didn't doubt that was common for any pregnant woman who was also a doctor or nurse and therefore well-versed in all the things that could go wrong in a pregnancy. But all her efforts to try to calm herself down had been failing miserably when the door opened and Derek stepped inside.

Her eyes had been closed as she tried to use deep breaths to keep her panic at bay, but she knew it was him from the scent of his cologne. When she felt his hand slip over hers and then felt the brush of his lips against the top of her head, Addison opened her eyes and looked up at the father of her child. The blue she saw looking back was calm and bright, and the surety in his eyes meant as much to Addison as any words Derek might have said.

Still when he promised her that their baby was okay and pointed out that just in case she wasn't, they had access to the finest NICU around, Addison couldn't help but smile at him, the confidence he felt bolstering her spirits. When Robert had come in to start the test, though, she had tightened her grip on Derek's hand.

The amnio itself had been text book, and Dr. Winslow had taken the baby's measurements and let them hear her heartbeat, and soon Addison was ready to believe the results would be nothing but good.

The weekend that followed, spent in the company of her beloved mother-in-law, was bittersweet. Patricia didn't push her on the subject of Derek at all, only discussing him when Addison brought him into the conversation. But in the time since they had left New York, Addison hadn't realized how much she missed their family--the loud, boisterous loving entity that was the Shepherd clan. Patricia relayed updates on all the girls and their various spouses and significant others and children, and she warned Addie that all four Shepherd sisters were planning to fly west to throw her a proper baby shower.

Deep down, she knew that the divorce wouldn't take any of this away from her. The Shepherds were still her family. But Addison realized that what she loved about how much a part of the group she'd become was that she shared this with Derek. It was their family, and she couldn't imagine it any other way.

It was late Sunday after they'd narrowed the potential themes for the baby's room down to a solid four choices, when Patricia had gone into the guest room and returned with a medium sized shirt box.

[i]"This," she explained as she pulled the lid off, "is just the first thing I want you to have. I decided I'd ship the rest out once I got home and had time to pack it all up properly."

The box open, Patricia pushed aside some tissue paper and revealed what was obviously an aged, hand-sewn quilt. The dominant shades were greens, but all in different tones, from a dark hunter to a pale mint. Some patches held floral prints, others stripes. Some of the quilted squares were solid colors with lettered blocks appliquéd onto them. It was beautiful, and it was obvious it had been well cared for over the years.

"Did you make this?" Addison asked as she took the blanket into her hands and carefully looked at all of the details.

"I did. For Derek. I wanted all the kids to have one special thing that was just theirs. Of course, I had no idea Derek would be a boy and thereby exempt from sibling hand-me-downs."

"Not that the girls didn't try, from what Derek tells me."

Patricia laughed. "Yes, they did. Anyway, he asked me a while back if I still had this, and he made me promise that I'd make sure I got it into your hands for the baby."

Something about Derek wanting their child to have the keepsake from his childhood overpowered all of Addison's resolve not to get too emotional about him in front of his mother. Patricia moved to her side, the elder woman's arms wrapping around her as she finally lost her battle and tears began to slip from her eyes.

"A few weeks ago, all I wanted was to not love him anymore. I just wanted to move on and see if I could build something with Mark because with him, I didn't have to wonder if I could ever be first place again; I always came first to him. And now it feels like all that effort to let Derek go was for nothing because I swear, Mom, I feel like I love him even more than I did."

Patricia ran her hand up and down Addison's back, the time honored gesture of motherly comfort working its magic.

"What you and Derek have is stronger than either of you know, Addie. It's why we never believed you two wouldn't fix things and get back together, why every Shepherd still thinks you will. And I know you both wish it could be easier, but sometimes the deepest loves are the ones we have to fight the hardest for. What I can tell you, honey, is you're not fighting alone anymore. He's trying to find his way home."[/i]

Those words had carried Addison through a few long nights after Patricia's visit when hospital gossip about Derek going to see Meredith and the intern's obviously cold attitude toward her had left the expectant mother rattled. Derek still had things to resolve with his former lover, Addison knew that. But the fear that he'd once again changed his mind and somehow turned his eye back toward the younger woman was a natural response, Miranda had counseled, considering how wishy-washy Derek had been over the past year. Richard, too, advised her to not overact, because as far as he knew, Derek was still done with Meredith and focused on sorting out what it was he really wanted.

So when Addison pulled up at her home to find Meredith Grey of all people sitting on her front steps, she didn't know what to think. Was the intern there to confront her about Derek? To try to make peace?

[i]"Dr. Grey, is there... something I can help you with?"

Meredith looked her in the eye and shrugged. "I came here to steal my dog."

Addison was confused for a moment until she realized that Derek must have finally talked to her about Doc. Addison nodded as things became clear for her.

"Well, no theft is required. I can pack up his stuff for you and, um, there's plenty of food--"

"Only..." The blonde's voice cut Addison off, and then she stood, moving down to ground level so they were standing face to face. "He's not my dog anymore."

The redhead felt her head swim with confusion again.

"Meredith, if you want to take him back, I understand. I'll just--"

"He's happy here. He has a home. I mean, I jumped your fence and went in the backyard, and you've... you made space for Doc. No one else has done that. We didn't, and I don't think Derek really ever did. But you... he has all these toys, and he has his bed and the water dishes all over the yard so he can always find one. Doc lives here now. He belongs here."

It had been a long day, her first full day post-amnio, and Addison had gone straight from a surgery to remove fibroids from a woman having fertility problems into a c-section on a mother who had developed preeclampsia. She was tired, and she took up Meredith's former seat on the steps and looked up at her visitor.

"So you came to steal the dog, but now you want me to keep him?"

Meredith sank down beside her and ran her hands through her hair.

"Derek came to see me a few days ago, and he... he wanted me to agree that Doc should stay with you, and I sort of spazzed out and went off on him and told him I wanted the dog back. But really, I was just mad because... I just didn't want you to win again."

"Meredith..." Addison began, but then the intern shook her head.

"He chose you, and I bought the dog to replace him, give me something to love, and then I couldn't take care of him, so you ended up with the dog, too. Now Derek chose you again, and Doc loves you... and I just... really, really hate that."

Addison looked down at her purse and fumbled with the strap. "I can understand that. I'd hate it, too."

"But he, uh... Derek 'he' not Doc 'he'... he was right. Doc belongs here with you."

"Okay," Addison said, turning her gaze toward Meredith, "if you're sure."

"I'm sure. And I'm sorry I was gonna take him, but I've been feeling very thirteen and stupid since Derek broke up with me."

That made Addison laugh. "I understand that, definitely."

Meredith smiled. "Somehow I figured you would."

The sat silently for a few moments, and then Meredith stood, so Addison followed suit.

"So I'm gonna go and... work on being less thirteen."

"If you ever want to see Doc," Addison offered, "you're welcome to."

"Thanks," Meredith said. "But I think it's time I make a clean break. It's best for everyone."[/i]

Addison couldn't help but wonder if the woman meant a clean break with just Doc or with the life she'd hoped for with Derek.

With one "family" issue settled, there was then just the waiting for the test results to come in. The best way she could think of to keep herself from obsessing over them was to start trying to make a final decision on the baby's nursery theme. She had narrowed her choices down to the two that best complemented the quilt Patricia had brought, and with Izzie and Miranda in tow, she had gone to the paint store to choose samples and start trying to make a decision. She had been contemplating the subtle differences between the green stripes of "Breath of Spring," "Green Myth" and "Garden Room" when the phone rang and she answered it to hear Robert Winslow's voice on the other end.

[i]"I just got the amnio results in. Everything's normal, Addison. Your little girl is healthy and normal."

"She's really a girl?" Addison asked, her voice catching at the relief she felt in finally getting a clean bill of health for her baby.

"Yep, so now you don't have to apologize for confusing a son. I'll see you at your appointment next week. And tell Derek I said congratulations."[/i]

Addison thanked Robert and hung up and then she went back into the baby's room, which held some shopping bags filled with clothes, Derek's quilt and the little teddy bear doctor Mark had given them. She let herself stare at the bare beginnings of her daughter's nursery and smiled, letting go of the fears she'd been haunted by for months.

An hour later, she walked to the door of Derek's office and leaned against the doorjamb. He was at his desk typing furiously on his laptop, his hair tousled because he'd clearly pulled his scrub cap off hurriedly after finishing a procedure. As she stood there just looking at him, Addison thought about how it had always been an escape to just sit and watch him concentrate on a task, whether it was making notes or when he was testing his limits in a surgery. It had been a long time since she'd allowed herself the freedom to enjoy one of those moments, and so she'd let herself have this one.

When he looked up, he smiled without hesitation, and Addison's heart had swelled. It had also been a very long time since he looked at her that way and she believed it.

[i]"Baby Girl Shepherd is officially a baby girl, and she is also perfect."[/i]

They celebrated with lunch, though Derek's schedule limited them to the hospital cafeteria. But the turkey sandwiches and chips were a small price to pay for the hour they spent together, the first one in so long where Addison felt herself stop thinking about everything except what was happening in that moment with him.

But having felt so close to him only served to make today's official ending of "Addison and Derek" that much more devastating. And even though she hadn't worn them in months, even though she wasn't even sure where they were, as she had sat in the NICU earlier watching one of her tiny charges sleep, Addison had caught herself rubbing the spot on her left hand where her wedding bands should've been.

When her cell rang, she startled a bit, her mind a million miles away. Addison reached for her phone half expecting it to be Preston again, who clearly had called to check on her earlier, confirming their lunch plans as his excuse. When he'd mentioned he was going out with Richard to go fishing with Derek before work, Addison had been relieved. She didn't want Derek to be alone today because he was probably having as hard a time as she was. But she had to hope that reaching this point would really let them both be sure, when and if they came back together later on, that they were choosing each other for only the right reasons.

"Addison, it's Miranda. I need you to come to C.I.C.U. right away."

She hadn't been expecting her friend's voice, and it was strange to hear the legendary Bailey so unsettled.

"What happened?"

"Denny Duquette just died. Izzie came in while we were trying to revive him. She's... I know the chief hasn't made an issue of their relationship, but I don't want him to walk in on a scene here, and she's a wreck."

Addison stood and started toward her doorway. "I'm on my way."

She closed the phone and moved as quickly as she could to the elevator. She was so focused, Addison nearly ran over Mark as he exited the car.

"Whoa! Hey," he said. "Are you okay?"

"No," Addison answered, shaking her head. "No, I'm not. Denny died."

The elevator doors slid closed as Mark took in a deep breath and let it out with a sharp hiss. "Damn it. Where's Izzie?"

"She's in his room. I'm on my way there. Miranda and I need to get her out of there."

"Is there anything I can do?"

Addison looked at him, felt his hand reach out and gently touch her arm to reassure her, and his genuine concern and friendship gave her a moment of ease despite her worry for Izzie. As her fingers reached out to press the elevator's call button again, she kept her eyes on him.

"Can you find Derek for me? If Richard's in surgery, we're fine, but if he's not, and he hears that Denny passed away, he'll come to the room, and I just... Richard knows about her and Denny, and he hasn't asked any questions since we got Izzie to take herself off the case, but I just want to make sure nothing comes of it. Can you find Derek and ask him to keep Richard busy until he hears from me?"

The elevator doors slid open and Addison stepped inside as Mark promised that he'd take care of her request.

When she reached the C.I.C.U., she stopped and tried to make sure she was calm and that she could put her focus on her friend. Izzie was leaning over, her head on Denny's chest, crying uncontrollably. Miranda was standing close to her, whispering softly to the intern, trying to soothe her. Meredith and Alex were also there, standing on the opposite side of the bed, waiting for Izzie to let them in.

When Miranda saw her, she stepped back and made room for Addison to approach. Moving forward, she let her hand fall on the blonde's shoulder.

"Izzie, you gave him all that you could. You loved him with all your heart. And you know what you meant to him. That's everything, Iz. It's absolutely everything."

The younger woman sobbed as the words broke through her haze, and she turned, crying against Addison's shoulder as the redhead wrapped her in a tight embrace.

"I don't even remember who I was before him," Izzie cried, and Addison closed her eyes and held her even tighter.

"I know," she whispered. "And you won't ever be her again. You'll be the you that loved him. And he'll always be part of you."

Half an hour later, Addison sent Derek a text message telling him they were clear and thanking him. Alex, who had been released for the day per Bailey's instructions, stood beside Izzie, helping her out towards the parking lot, while Addison and Meredith trailed behind. As they approached Addison's sedan, she saw two familiar figures standing against it.

Derek cleared his throat and moved aside so Alex could help Izzie into the car. "We both had a few hours free."

"We figured we'd make sure you got her home all right," Mark finished.

"If that's okay," Derek added.

Addison looked at both men, at her wounded friend, and at the woman who stood beside her. Meredith nodded and climbed into the backseat beside Izzie where Alex already sat on the other side. Addison looked back at the two men who stood waiting for her answer.

"We're headed to Meredith's, so... we'll meet you there."

Derek and Mark exchanged a look, then they both nodded their heads.

"We'll see you there," Derek said, and then they moved off toward their cars. Addison climbed into her own and started the engine, her eyes glancing up at the reflection of Izzie the rearview mirror offered.

It was a selfish thought. It was, she told herself, a horrible thing to think while her friend was in so much pain. But as Addison took in the devastation of Izzie's loss, the thought went through her mind anyway, selfishness be damned.

There was still time for her and Derek... there was a chance to make it right.

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