Addison inhaled the incredible aroma coming from her kitchen and leaned back against the pillows on the couch. Izzie was baking--something with cinnamon--and it smelled heavenly. The redhead knew she was going to be ridiculously spoiled by the time this week was over thanks to Stevens and Adele Weber, who dropped by daily with something delicious for lunch or dinner.

That she hadn't gone insane enduring more time away from her practice and her patients was, Addison knew, thanks to the ingenious plotting of her chief of surgery and her best friend. Richard and Miranda had conspired to make sure that Izzie's schedule was such that she could meet her 80 hours and still be home at night to stay at Addison's. And while it was indeed wonderful to have the company, as she'd anticipated, it was also giving the two women beneficial bonding time as mentor and student. Daily, Stevens returned with a list of questions and brief patient reports from Addison's service, and the two would discuss the issues, formulate solutions, and then Izzie would return the answers to the rest of the staff the following day.

The distraction of work, it turned out, was also benefiting both of them in a personal way. Ever since Addison's first day home--since the intense conversation she, Miranda and Izzie had shared--the intern seemed in just as much need of something else to think about besides her love life as Addison was.

It wasn't that the young doctor didn't see things logically or rationally. She understood that she had stepped over a line that couldn't be crossed when she'd questioned Burke's orders, compounding that sin by doing it in front of Denny. Izzie understood that Olivia had done her a huge favor, probably saving her a suspension, by going to Bailey instead of the chief or Burke over the incident. She'd also nodded in agreement when Miranda pointed out that Denny would certainly not want to see Izzie throw away all the years of study and hard work she'd put into becoming a surgeon--not for him, and surely not when he couldn't promise her any kind of future.

And Addison understood all too well when she watch all that logic go in through Izzie's head and slam against the wall of her heart.

[i]"I kept telling myself I wasn't falling for him," Izzie said as tears threatened at her eyes. "I just thought, you know, he's a nice guy, a good friend. I never thought I loved him until..."

The tears claimed victory, and Izzie buried her face in her hands. Addison moved from her seat on the couch and knelt down by her friend.

"And you can't help it because for some reason, you're just happier and stronger and you laugh harder with him than you do or are with anyone else, right?"

Izzie peeked out from behind her palms, the relief at having someone understand apparent in eyes that stared back at Addison.

"I know it doesn't make sense, because I barely know him, right? I mean, I see him every day, but I don't know what he's like when he's not sick and trying to be charming to get the intern to pay more attention to him. And I know I should walk away. I've tried. But I just can't seem to do it."

Addison reached out and put a comforting hand on Izzie's arm. Miranda sighed and moved closer as well before speaking.

"We understand, Izzie, but you can't be a woman who cares for Denny and be one of his doctors. It's not good for either of you. So I'm going to give you the week to make a choice... you can tell me that you choose your personal relationship with him, in which case, I will speak to Burke and the two of us will transition you off Denny's transplant team. You'll have to see Denny just like you would if you were a visitor at the hospital, but I'll have your back if you follow the rules, even if the chief gets it in his head to be upset about it."

"And I guess I know what my second choice is," the intern said, her voice a mix of sadness and resignation.

"Only you can decide what's more important," Addison explained. "You loving Denny doesn't make either role less than, Izzie. It's just that you have to figure out if he needs you more as you, the woman, or as you the intern who's taken care of him all these weeks. And whatever choice you make, you'll both have to live with it."

The blonde nodded and then she wiped her cheeks and looked pointedly at her mentor.

"How did you do manage to walk away from Derek when you still love him so much?"[/i]

The question had literally set Addison back on her heels, and she had considered her answer carefully before finally giving one.

[i]"Loving Derek is like breathing to me. And trying not to makes me feel like I'm suffocating. But when it was clear that there was no choice I could make that was going to make things better in our marriage, I had to make the best decision I could out of the options I had. Letting him go was better for both of us. And you have to do what's best for you and Denny, Izzie. That's how you figure it out and how you own the decision."[/i]

Since the night she had walked out of the trailer and into life without Derek, a great deal of Addison's energy has been spent trying to make herself begin to think of their marriage, of them, in the past tense. But as she had lain in bed after talking to her worried intern, it had dawned on Addison how profound it was that the description she'd used in front of Izzie and Miranda was present tense. There had been no pretending otherwise as she sat with her two closest friends.

Not that she hadn't been keenly aware of just how strong her feelings for her husband remained, but Addison had been ignoring that reality in favor of dealing with the hurts and wounds left behind by their failed attempt to save their marriage. That was no small task. Her denial of just how much hurt there was had crumbled the night of the fund-raiser, and ever since, it was all Addison could do to try to piece her own self-esteem back together.

There was a part of her--a small part--that hated that she still loved Derek so much. It made her feel like a character in some sad Lifetime movie--the woman who has everything except the man she truly loves. Add in the fact that she was pregnant by said man while a hot, sexy doctor stood on the sidelines hoping to win her heart, and Addison started to hyperventilate at the thought of how soap opera-like her life had become.

But a more generous part of Addison's inner-self reminded her daily that she and Derek were so much more than the last three turbulent years of their marriage. They were more than a decade of love and friendship and laughing and fighting and holding each other when things became too much. The bad turn they had taken didn't erase all that. And what had been good between them, she hoped, was something they could remember and build on so that their daughter never felt pulled between them, asked to choose sides or play favorites.

It sounded simple enough except that Derek was a self-proclaimed "mess" and Addison wasn't even close to being ready to move on. Any remaining doubt she had about that was erased the day after she came home when Derek knocked on her door.

Adele had been there dropping off lunch--her homemade macaroni and cheese done by request of the expectant mother--and had let Derek in because Addie had been on the phone. By the time she finished her call, Adele had waved good-bye and slipped out and Derek was standing across from her. That... thing... she felt at first seeing him was there as always, and though she tried to ignore it, it was there just the same.

[i]"Sorry about that. Call from the hospital."

Derek nodded. "I figured. Everything okay?"

"Yeah, just a few questions from the NICU nurses," Addison explained. "How are you?"

He flashed a wide grin at her. "Aren't I supposed to ask you that?"

Addison smiled. "Well, can't we ask each other?"

"Well, yeah," he said. "I guess we can."

She motioned toward one of the chairs near where he was standing. Derek eased down into the seat and crossed his hands in his lap over an envelope Addison only now noticed he'd brought in with him.

"So... I'm fine," he said. "If fine is the same as confused, tired and basically, uh, completely unsure of who I am. And how are you?"

They laughed together and Addison took off her glasses and dropped them on the coffee table.

"Well, by that definition, I'm fine, too. Though not tired so much as starting to feel like something is draining all the energy out of my body on a steady basis."

"Well, she's ours, so demanding and self-centered seems about right."

Addison couldn't help but nod in agreement. She also said a silent prayer that those were traits her daughter would outgrow... quickly.

"So... I called your lawyer," Derek said. "His number was on the papers. Told him I was fine with them as-is, so he sent me a formal, final copy. He just needs you to sign and then I can drop them off at his office to file."

He extended his arm and Addison reached out and took the envelope from his hand. She didn't realize she was holding her breath until she pulled the custody papers free, saw his signature there and exhaled. Picking up the pen she'd been making notes with during her call to Seattle Grace, Addison signed her name as well, then handed the papers back to him. They were now both committed to co-parenting their little girl. All that remained was to figure out how, exactly, that was going to work."

Doc chose that moment to run out from the bedroom where he'd been napping. He raced up to Derek, tail wagging.

"Hey there, Doc. I guess I don't have to ask how you're doing, huh? I don't see a chewed up shoe or piece of furniture anywhere."

Addison giggled and then laughed harder when Derek shot her a dirty look.

"Sorry, but really, he's just so good here. It's hard to imagine him eating an entire couch."

"Yeah, well, he did. You can come watch them install the replacement if you want."

She watched her husband and the dog play for a moment and then Addison felt her smile fade on her face. Derek noticed it and immediately redirected his attention to her.

"What, Addie?"

"It's just... what happens to him now?"

Derek looked at her quizzically, clearly unsure what she meant.

"Doc... if you and I aren't together and you and Meredith aren't together, who does Doc end up with?"

It was something that had clearly not even crossed Derek's mind until she brought it up, and she saw his face darken to an expression she imagined mirrored her own.

"I... I guess I need to ask Mere about... I mean... she gave him to us."

Addison shrugged and wrapped her arms around herself. "Well, did she give him to us or to you? I was never really clear on that. I just don't want to assume that, you know, with things how they are, she's going to still be okay with... all this. "

"We can add it to our expanding lists of things we need to figure out," he said.

She tried to smile to reassure him that the mention of Meredith hadn't ruined her mood, but the smile wouldn't come.

"Addie... I, uh, I realized something when I was driving over here today." Derek shifted in his chair and cleared his throat. "I still owe you an apology."

"An apology?" Addison repeated. "For what?"

"Mark... for my fight with Mark. I tried to apologize before, but you weren't taking my calls and then... well, then everything happened and other things became more important. But I am sorry I embarrassed you and hurt you. I just... I didn't realize how upset I was until it was already too late."

He stopped and looked away, but then his eyes returned to hers.

"You heard what I said to him, didn't you?"

She felt her teeth graze her lower lip as she nodded and tried to keep his accusation that Mark had only used her to get to him from playing through her head. Derek lifted his hands and rubbed his temples a moment, then he let out a long breath.

"It would hurt so much less if I was right, Addie. But we both know better."

Addison shivered a bit, reminded of the way he'd looked at her that night at the hotel when she'd felt his sincerity and doubted it all at the same time. It was another thing to hate--that instantaneous uncertainty. There had been a time when she took everything Derek said at face value because she'd had no reason not to. She missed that.

"I know having him here is hard on you," she offered. "I'm sorry for that, but he has been a really good friend to me."

He bristled at the mention of Mark being a good friend, and Addison couldn't blame him. To Derek, Mark was anything but.

"I guess unless I want to spend a lot of time in Richard's office getting yelled at, I better get used to it," he said, sighing as he leaned back in his seat. "And I will. I'm not going to promise to stop hating that he's a part of your life, but I'll learn to handle it like a grown-up instead of a 5 year old."

They fell into silence then, and for the first time in a long time, that didn't feel uncomfortable. Then Addison looked over at him, and just like at the hospital the night he had come to tell her he wanted their baby, she saw Derek wrestle silently with the urge to say something. But again, he pushed whatever it was aside and he stood, the envelope containing the custody papers held tightly in his hand.

"So I should let you, you know, rest. But, um, when you go for your next appointment, I'd like to go with you. If that's okay? I mean, you're a pro at this baby business, but it's been a long time since my O.B. rotation as an intern."

She chuckled, remembering vividly Derek's exasperation at having to endure an entire rotation in obstetrics when he already knew exactly what kind of medicine he wanted to practice. He'd always ranted carefully, not wanting to step on her toes because she was already committed to her track at that point. It had been adorable watching him try to bitch about being on the "V" squad without insulting her.

"Okay. I see Robert tomorrow to get released for work, but I'm sure he'll want to see me next week just to be extra careful, so why don't we plan on that one?"[/i]

The hopeful glint in his eye and the grin on Derek's face as he agreed to accompany her to her next checkup made Addison think about the way their baby would look as she giggled over something that amazed her, like bubbles or butterflies. And Addie knew as her mind played with that image that despite all her past fears and all the uncertainty that remained ahead, she would never regret that this man was her daughter's father.

"Who wants cookies?" Izzie asked. The blonde emerged from the kitchen with a serving tray set with a plate of treats and two glasses of milk.

"Seriously, how am I ever going to go back to store-bought goodies now that you've gotten me hooked on fresh baked?" came Addison's reply. Izzie laughed and sat down on the couch with the tray between them.

"I'll just have to keep you in homemade baked goods. Less preservatives for the baby anyway."

Each woman grabbed a warm snickerdoodle cookie and savored the goodness of it with a few sips of milk. Then Addison asked the question that Izzie had been ducking since she'd gotten home from work.

"So today was your deadline with Bailey, right?"

The intern nodded and finished off the cookie she'd been eating. "Yeah. I'm being transitioned off of Denny's team."

Addison put her hand on her friend's arm. "No second thoughts?"

"This thing with me and him... it might not last, it might not even be real, but... I feel how I feel. And I can't control that, but thanks to you guys, I can control if I compromise myself or Denny when it comes to his treatment."

"Does Denny know?"

Izzie nodded again. "I stopped by right before visiting hours ended. He was worried I'd get in trouble, but since I'm technically focusing on your service now, Dr. Bailey thinks the chief will probably let it go rather than making an issue. And Dr. Burke... he knows, I think, but he'll be cool about it."

"It'll be hard to get used to," Addison said, "but you can do it."

"Let's talk about something else." Izzie grabbed another cookie and took a bite. "Like you. Did you talk to Mark?"

The subject of Mark made Addison lean back against her pillows again, but not before she, too, took comfort in another scrumptious cookie.

"On the phone... again. He couldn't come by today because he had to go do a consult at Mercy West."

"I can't believe he hasn't been over here once all week." Stevens was truly incredulous. "I would have bet cold hard cash that I'd be kicking him out so we could go to sleep every night."

Addison sighed and closed her eyes.

"It's not like I haven't given him plenty of reason to come to his senses and move on. This whole situation is unfair to him, but I can't seem to make myself take anymore steps forward right now."

"Is that because you aren't sure how you feel about Mark," her friend asked, "or is it because Derek broke up with Meredith and you're waiting to see what happens?"

Eyes shooting open, Addison looked at her friend like she'd grown a second and third head instantaneously.

"This isn't about Derek. God, Izzie. For all I know, once Derek gets himself straightened out emotionally, he's going to go right back to Meredith."

"Or... not."

Addison waved off Izzie's implication. "I've spent the better part of the last three years waiting to see what Derek would do so I could figure out how to react. Right now, I'm just trying to get my own inventory in order. I owe that to my daughter, Iz. I owe it to Mark, too. I can't keep him waiting forever."

Because good friends know when you've reached that point where you really need to just drop a subject, Izzie turned the conversation to the goings on at Seattle Grace and Addison was incredibly grateful for the change of subject. She'd been hurt at first when Mark had canceled his plans to come by on her second day home and a little angry the next day when he canceled again. Then it had dawned on her that Mark had figured out what the content of her talk with her husband had been, and though he'd sworn to be okay if Derek chose to be part of the baby's life, it was no great leap to imagine he was far from okay with the actual reality.

She understood that. It was like her knowing that Derek and Meredith would be together after the separation and the entirely different feelings that had come when she saw them together. So Addison's hurt and anger had faded and now she felt just felt sad. Mark cared for her, and she knew that. He was getting attached to the idea of being in her baby's life. Yes, she'd been honest with him about where she was at from the day he'd arrived in Seattle. But if anyone knew what it felt like to hope something so much you ignored what didn't fit your desire, it was Addison. She hated that Mark was in that position now, even if she knew she'd done everything possible to warn him it was inevitable.

She knew that someday this would be behind them all... that eventually she, Derek and Mark would find their way to where they were supposed to be in this world. But until then, Addison foresaw a lot of difficult, hurtful and frustrating days ahead for the three of them.

*****

"What's our next step, Dr. Yang?"

Mark waited as Cristina carefully leaned in to get a closer look at the way their patient's face was healing from the first surgery. Hank Vincent had a long road left ahead of him, and the plastic surgeon could tell that the intern was immensely excited for all the surgery that lay ahead.

"Finishing the repair on the suborbital process. Then we'll need to restructure the damaged left mandible and consult with maxillofacial about dental prosthetics for future use."

"How's that sound, Hank?"

Their patient, who despite all he had endured had one wicked sense of humor, clapped his hands loudly.

"Can we sell tickets? I could earn some serious coin off this deal, especially if you peel my face back on the next one."

Mark reached out and patted Hank's shoulder with his right hand. "Only if you cut me in 50/50."

"And if he cuts me in for half of his 50," Yang added, winking at Hank as she began to redress his incisions.

Heading for the door, Mark spoke over his shoulder to his patient. "I'll see you later, buddy, all right?"

"All right. He's leaving me with the pretty doctor!"

Laughing, Mark headed from the room and made his way back to his office. He had a case coming in from Mercy West today--a botched face lift that had led to infection and tissue damage--and he wanted to review the file one more time before the patient arrived.

He stopped short when he saw Addison sitting in his waiting room. His assistant began to speak, but the redhead stood and moved toward him before the woman behind the desk could say a word.

"Hey, Stranger."

His mouth felt dry and his palms began to sweat and Mark cursed himself for still being in this place. He had been so sure it would pass quickly, but instead, his petulance seemed to just be growing stronger. And he didn't deny that's what this was, but knowing that wasn't helping him do anything to change it.

"Why don't we, uh, go in my office?" he said once he found his voice. Addison nodded her agreement and followed him inside.

He hadn't seen her since she had left the hospital, and Mark was relieved to see how good she looked. Her color was back and she looked rested and though he wouldn't mention it just yet, you could tell now that something was different about her. He wasn't sure if people would know right off she was pregnant because her belly wasn't yet that noticeable, but they'd recognize something, though they'd only think it made her more beautiful than ever, because that's really all it had done.

That he'd missed seeing her was no one's fault but his own, and Mark knew that, too. She had asked him to come by and talk the day after she'd gone home, but he'd been so hung over from his night of beer and basketball with Karev that he really didn't think he should go near her until he had full control of his faculties. That had been his first excuse. Then he'd lied and said he had a meeting. Then he'd scheduled a consult purposely at the same time he'd told her he'd come by for lunch. He had avoided Addison so successfully in fact, that Mark had been midway through his days-long sulk when Miranda Bailey found him in the cafeteria staring at an untouched roast beef sandwich.

[i]"You afraid it's gonna bite you back?"

Miranda's wry voice was unmistakable, and Mark glanced up in time to see her sitting down in the empty seat at his table.

"Maybe I just really wanted turkey instead," he answered.

"Maybe you just need to stop acting like a bullheaded toddler and go see the woman."

He sighed and pushed his plate further away. "Are you sure Derek isn't there?"

"Oh, child, please, do not start with that foolishness."

Bailey's scolding tone made Mark shrink a little, and he grimaced because he knew the lecture was unavoidable and well-deserved.

"Did you really, in your heart of hearts, think Derek was going to walk away from that baby? No, you did not and you know it. You wanted him to, and that's okay, because you're human. You get to think it even if it's not nice or fair, but you knew better. All you're doing right now is making yourself feel worse and making her feel bad right along with you. And that will put you on my very bad list, and, Dr. Sloan, you do not want to be on my very bad list."

Every word of it was true, and Mark was smart enough to bite his tongue and say nothing to the contrary. Instead he leaned into the table, resting his weight on his elbows.

"You remember that you said you'd tell her I really do love her?"

"If she asks," Bailey said. "I remember saying I'd tell her if she asks, which she hasn't. But let me ask you this--you do realize that even though you do love her enough to pick up and move cross-country to fight for her, that that might not be enough?"[/i]

And he knew. God, did he know. Wasn't Addison living proof that love wasn't always enough? She had given up a life she loved in New York for Derek and ended up confused, alone and with a broken heart.

"I feel like I should apologize for something, but I'm not sure what, exactly."

Addison remained standing as she spoke, and Mark sat on the edge of his desk and shook his head.

"You shouldn't, and I'm sorry I'm making you feel that way. I don't want to, Addison. I really don't want to be this guy right now."

She nodded and moved closer, her hand taking his as she leaned beside him against the desk.

"I know that. But, Mark, if you don't talk to me, I can't say anything to try and help."

He turned and looked at her and saw how honestly she meant those words. He shrugged and shook his head.

"What can you say, Addison? I knew what I was getting into when I came here. I knew. And I know you want him in the baby's life and you should want that. So what can you say that will help that isn't a lie?"

She stood silently for a moment before her hand squeezed his tighter.

"I missed you," she said. "I've gotten used to having you back in my life, and then you disappear for a week and... I didn't like that."

Mark stood and opened his arms to her. Addison rose up and moved into his embrace, her cheek pressed against his shoulder.

"I really hope your kid has better taste in men then you do, Shepherd. Because, wow, you really hit the idiotic jerk jackpot for one lifetime, didn't you?"

He felt her laughter before he heard it, and Mark sighed and rested his cheek against the top of her head. Living with hope that she might be his one day was hell. But he wasn't sure what it was going to be like if he ever had to live without that hope... so for now, hell remained the better option.

*****

Every time he went for a run in the morning, Derek ended up stopped on the same corner, trapped by what he swore was the longest stoplight in the city. But a few days ago, while stuck waiting yet again for the signal to change, Derek's eyes had landed upon something he'd never noticed here before...

A baby furniture store.

Now he spent his wait looking in the window, wondering what pieces Addison might like for their baby's room and what she'd be dead set against. Somehow he knew the modern contraption in the left window was a definite no. But he wondered how she'd feel about the cherry sleigh crib on the right.

He would have to add that to his list. It was getting longer and longer--he hadn't been exaggerating when he'd intimated as much to Addison. On top of his emotional issues-- which now included working through his anger toward Mark, learning to deal with Mark and Addison together and getting ready to talk to Meredith about Doc--Derek had also realized while taking in the dimensions of the cribs and assorted other pieces of baby furnishings that he had important logistical decisions to make, too.

The sleigh crib was bigger than the trailer's dining room.

He didn't think Addison would insist he have a different home by the time their baby was born, but he did anticipate a time when she'd be uncomfortable with their little one being in such tight quarters, not to mention the safety concerns of how open the lake was on his property. Derek had to figure out, while he sorted through the rest of his life, where exactly he intended to do his co-parenting of Baby Girl Shepherd.

Finally the signal changed, and Derek headed into the final mile of his run. A few minutes later, he was in the Seattle Grace courtyard doing some stretches before he headed inside to get ready for his morning. That entailed a stop by Addison's office to welcome her back and to see how she was doing.

They were getting along better now that he had stopped denying, at least to himself, how deep his feelings for his wife still ran and since there was no longer a major secret between them. He was very grateful for that. But Derek wondered if he'd live to regret his decision to not ask her to delay the divorce. The words had been right there on his tongue as he'd stood at the door of her hospital room and again at her house after she had signed the custody papers.

It was a simple enough question to ask. "Would you postpone the divorce until I sort through how I'm feeling?" He didn't doubt that Addison would have said yes because she rarely denied him anything. But he felt like he didn't have a right to ask. He was the one who had asked for the divorce, he had pushed her away. Derek could see that despite her sadness over that, she was moving on and building a new life without him. It would just be wrong of him to suddenly step in the middle of all that when he couldn't promise her anything because he had no clue how long it would take him to feel ready to move on himself. If he did that, he was likely to hurt her as badly as he had Meredith. But the fear that he might look up at the end of his journey and see Mark Sloan with the woman he loved haunted Derek's silent moments.

"How many today?"

Derek laughed and turned around to see Preston coming in from his run and preparing to stretch.

"Four," he replied.

"Five," Preston said immediately. "And in record time, no less."

"Yes, Burke, you are a god among men. So it is written, so it is known."

The two men laughed, and Derek sat down on one of the stone planters.

"So Addie's back today?" Burke asked.

"Yeah, for, uh, a few consultations that were put off and paperwork. But I'll bet you dinner she manages to find a surgery before the day is out."

The head of cardiothoracic surgery shook his head. "That is a sucker bet."

Derek nodded and glanced at his watch. It was about time for him to head inside if he was going to get a chance to see Addison before his morning surgery. He was about to stand when his pager went off, demanding his attention. Derek pulled it free of his waistband and looked at the text displayed on the screen. His heart sank at the words there and he swore audibly as he rose.

"Bad news?" Preston asked.

"A patient I hoped I wouldn't be seeing for a very long time."

Burke nodded, and Derek rushed inside to get changed and get to the E.R. Joseph Salton's anxious face met him there.

"She was doing so well," the worried husband explained, "and then two days ago, she said she had a headache--just a normal headache. This morning, she could barely breathe the pain was so bad."

"I'm going to examine her now. I'll come find you as soon as I know anything, okay?"

Joseph nodded and Derek rushed toward trauma two. He stepped into the room and immediately moved forward, taking his patient's hand.

"It's Dr. Shepherd, Harley. Let's take a look and see what's going on."

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