It was not at all surprising that there had been a well-funded pool at Seattle Grace Hospital that hinged on what day Mark Sloan and Derek Shepherd finally beat the living hell out of one another.

It was even less surprising that Miranda Bailey was the winner.

Mark chuckled as the now cash-rich resident wrapped an ace bandage around an ice pack, adhering it to his badly bruised and very sore left shoulder. His amusement vanished, though, under a stern glare from his colleague.

"It's a good thing the bet didn't depend on total bruise count," she cracked. "I'm not sure which one of you got the worst of it."

"I think that all depends on the second part of the beat-down," Mark replied. "We still have to go deal with Webber."

Bailey laughed. "Oh, that's gonna hurt way worse than this shoulder, that I can guarantee you. But you've got bigger problems that that to worry about."

Mark grimaced. "She's pretty pissed off, huh?"

"Oh, 'pretty pissed off' is an understatement. And that is the only reason I'm not giving you grief myself. I have full confidence she's gonna tear your ass up all on her own. Now sit there with that ice and try to stay out of trouble until I get back with your x-rays."

Mark nodded and leaned back against the exam room wall as the biting burn-like sensation of the ice penetrated his swollen joint. The shoulder had been dislocated, but given his profession, they had taken x-rays for insurance after the ortho on call had popped it back into place.

"That's what you get for letting your guard down," he said aloud, reprimanding himself for the careless slip that had let Derek charge him and drive him into the wall.

Two weeks and four days since Richard's announcement at the Alexis Hotel fund-raiser, Mark and Derek had finally hit the right buttons with one another. The fight had been public, and he didn't doubt that Addison was both furious and mortified, but at least Mark had the small defense that Derek had started it.

The time leading up to today's explosion had been full of activity with his move and getting setup at SGH. For the most part, Derek had continued to avoid him. Even better, after whatever had transpired at the hotel that Addison still did not want to talk about, Derek had backed off, giving her the room she needed to deal with her sadness over the end of the marriage. When she had finally phoned him and suggested they have dinner, Mark was glad to hear the undercurrents of strength and resolve that were once again noticeable in her voice.

[i]"So how's it been going?" she asked as she tossed her red locks over her shoulder. "You settling in okay?"

"I suppose. Lot of new faces, but I'm getting them all down. There are some good docs at the center already, so I feel pretty confident about upping the ante on them case-wise."

Addison laughed. "Pulling out the big guns already? What do you have lined up?"

"I've gotten a few calls," Mark replied. "But I want to decide on an intern to work with me before I bring in a high-profile patient."

"You should stick with Bailey's. There are others who are good, but really, hers are the cream of the crop. But hands off Stevens -- she's my intern."[/i]

Mark laughed at the memory of Addison's possessive declaration, but the throbbing in his shoulder quickly stifled the sound. Biting his lip, he drew in a deep breath and tried to relax his injured limb.

Bailey's interns... they were quite the source of fascination to him, mostly because they were all so deeply interwoven into the drama that had been Addison and Derek's life here in Seattle. None, of course, more so than Meredith Grey.

But before he could delve into the psyches of the five doctors known as "Bailey's Babies," there had been the lady herself to deal with. And he'd known he was up against more than her commanding professional presence. Addison had come to rely on the woman as a close and trusted friend, and Mark had wisely anticipated a less-than-warm welcome given his status as "destroyer of the Shepherd marriage."

He'd been proven right in his assumption the morning she had arrived with her husband and baby to find Mark in his rumpled suit after he'd stayed the night to watch over Addison. The look she'd given him led to him making a very quick exit, and he doubted he had run so fast from a stern expression since he'd had his own resident to deal with.

Still, even before Addison's suggestion, Mark had asked around and heard that if he wanted a top-level intern, he wanted one of Miranda Bailey's, and so he had asked the chief to put in a request for him to meet with the young doctors. His diplomas were barely out of their box before he heard a knock at his office door.

[i]"I understand you'd like to spend some quality time with my suck ups."

Mark stepped away from his unpacking and turned toward the very serious looking Dr. Bailey.

"I did indeed ask the chief if I could meet with them, yes."

"Well, I'll consider your request while you answer a few questions for me."

Nodding, Mark stepped around his desk and leaned against the edge. Even with his height somewhat diminished, he still stood more than a foot taller than the woman across from him, but he felt dwarfed nonetheless.

"Were I to say yes, you can speak with my interns individually and choose one rather than me just assigning one to you, I would be doing this assured you are not just trying to setup a situation with Meredith Grey that will make Derek Shepherd's head explode, correct?"

"That would be correct, yes, ma'am."

Bailey gave a single nod and crossed her arms in front of her. "And you are aware that if you are lying to me, and you do anything that causes friction between my interns and their other attendings... any of their other attendings... that I have the power to make you regret it eternally?"

Mark laughed. "You know, I am not at all surprised you and Addison are friends."

"I'll take that as a 'yes, I understand,' and while we're on the topic..."

Now the resident dropped her left arm to her side, her right extending out so that her finger was pointing at him like he was a grade school student being talked to after class.

"Addison brought my child into this world. She is a part of my family now. And so if you do feel tempted to do anything that might cause her harm, then I want you to imagine what I might be capable of if someone hurt a member of my family. Because I'm about done standing around while my friend gets hurt."

Mark considered his response carefully. He didn't like being threatened, and he had no doubt he was definitely getting a warning of consequences Bailey could see carried out. His life at Seattle Grace could be turned into a nightmare if she wanted it to be. But he wasn't worried about that because his intent wasn't to do anything that would cause Addison any distress. He just wanted a chance for her to see him as Mark Sloan, the man who loved her, and not as Derek's best friend who she'd had a sordid affair with.

"Well, I could, uh, I could tell you I'm not here to do anything to hurt Addison." Mark stood up straighter, reclaiming his height, feeling the need to assert his own presence in the room. "I could tell you that, but I doubt you'd believe me because why would you? I don't have a great track record with not causing problems for her. So how about we agree that I'll keep that warning in mind and when I prove to you that you have nothing to worry about, you'll let me know?"

Bailey stared at him hard a moment before raising an eyebrow.

"I'll set up the meetings. And if you want me to think better of you, don't skulk off like you've done something wrong next time I catch you at Addison's house."[/i]

Miranda wasn't the only person Mark had to prove things to, and he knew that. Richard Webber had been swayed by his talent and reputation, but he still didn't like his new star very much as a person. And everywhere he went in the halls, Mark could sense the gossip about "Addison Shepherd's hot surgeon from New York," and he knew he had to do something to help quiet those whispers for Addison's sake.

He had tried to do that by focusing on his work, on building his new life. There was no carousing, no picking up nurses, and most importantly, no obvious pursuit of his favorite redheaded doctor. He and Addison were friends, and as she felt more comfortable with his presence, they met for coffee and even had eaten lunch together in the atrium one day. But he never flaunted his feelings for her in the halls again as he had during his first visit.

Some days, he'd see her laughing at a joke Izzie Stevens had told her or find her hunched over a chart with her nose crinkled up in concentration, and it would take every ounce of internal discipline he could muster to not walk up and just pull her into his arms. But Mark knew he'd lose her for good if he pushed, she'd made that clear to him. So he fought his want of her and spent hours on the treadmill or in the gym working off the tension that his denial left behind. When that didn't do the trick, he headed back to work and jumped in on one of his craniofacial unit's surgeries or watched one of his colleague's work. Anything to keep his mind off of things that, for now, could not be.

And, of course, he was spending time getting to know the people who now inhabited his world. Though he had met with her only out of polite regard given Addison's "claim," Mark found Izzie Stevens to be incredibly bright and he could easily see why the blonde was Addison's favorite. Though she was without the polish of years in Manhattan, the young doctor was a lot like her potential mentor. They were both far tougher than they appeared and yet at the same time, he could sense in Stevens what he'd come to see in Addison--that beneath the tough and the funny and the sexy was something fragile and delicate that could be shattered by the person given the power to see it.

Cristina Yang reminded Mark of himself. He'd been all business, all "have fun but don't let it interfere with medicine" for so long, that it had actually stunned him to realize how much he could and did feel for Addison. Given the details she had given him on Yang and Burke's relationship, Mark felt the parallel between himself and the intern even more acutely. He was intrigued at the prospect of working with the driven young woman and she was definitely one of the top two interns on his list.

George O'Malley was a nice guy who had a strong surgical talent and who had, from the stories he'd heard, risen to the occasion in high-pressure situations in the hospital. But Mark could sense an underlying lack of confidence in the man that was not going to serve him well as a surgeon or in his life. And he was a marked contrast to Alex Karev, who Mark already knew had a strong interest in Plastics. Karev was all confidence and ego and so much like Mark in his younger years, it was almost unsettling. So much so, in fact, that it seemed to be working against the intern. It bothered Mark too much to be reminded of all the time he'd wasted on cocky attitudes and meaningless sex when time felt so precious now that he finally knew what he wanted out of life.

He and Bailey had mutually agreed that he would skip meeting with Meredith Grey... for everyone's sake.

So it was Yang that Mark requested for his first big case at the SGH Craniofacial Center--a teenage boy whose face had been left horribly disfigured from child abuse had been referred to them at the request of the state children's services office. Hank Vincent's injuries were so traumatic, his breathing was compromised and his body was beginning to suffer from the restricted oxygen supply.

He had been looking for Yang so they could do follow-up after Hank's first successful surgery when he had instead happened upon Derek and Meredith mid-argument. As soon as he'd realized what was happening, Mark had turned on his heel and tried to stay out of earshot, but before he could make a clean getaway, he heard Derek shout his name.

Mark had known last night when Derek showed up at Addison's that the confrontation was inevitable. Using the excuse that he wanted to drop off some food for Doc, Derek had shown up uninvited and found himself in the middle of his almost ex-wife's housewarming party. It was hard to miss the look of hurt and exclusion in Derek's eyes, and Mark had seen just as clearly when those feelings turned to anger directed at him, at his presence in a moment of happiness in Addison's life that Derek was not a part of.

The door to the treatment room opened and instead of Miranda Bailey, Addison stepped inside, x-rays in hand.

"Nothing's broken. You know the protocol, so go home and take care of it."

She tossed the x-rays onto the countertop by the viewing box and then turned to walk out.

"You're not even gonna let me say I'm sorry."

"Oh, I'm sure you are." Addison wheeled around, her red hair a stark contrast against the dark blue scrubs she wore. "I'm sure you're very sorry, but it doesn't change anything, does it? We're a spectacle again, all of us."

She turned to leave again, and Mark jumped off the table and reached for her arm with his good right hand. She pulled away but did not take another step toward the door, and so Mark made no attempt to hold on to her.

"I did try to walk away. I need you to know that. But I was not going to let him get away with screaming that garbage in my face."

When she finally lifted her eyes to his, he saw tears there, but Addison was trying to hold them back.

"I know, and I believed what you said to him. I did. But, Mark, you know how important it is to me to just... to just keep the peace. I have to find a way to make this all work because I don't just have me to worry about anymore. It's not just my life that blows apart if I screw all this up."

Mark sighed, realizing how quickly all the weeks of building trust had unraveled with his one moment of total stupidity. He felt like he was going to have to start all over again. His only consolation was that she'd be in no better mood when she spoke to Derek.

"I'm sorry, Addison. I really am. I don't know what else to say."

She looked at him and shook her head, clearly not sure what else to say either. This time when she moved to the door, he did not try to stop her.

"Keep icing that shoulder."

As Addison passed through the doorway, her parting words still in his ears, Bailey returned with his chart. When she motioned for him to sit back down, Mark did so without argument, and the resident began to unwind the ace bandage so she could remove the icepack from the now numb area.

"So you were right. You were sure Addison would make me feel like crap all on her own. And she did, not that I don't deserve it."

Bailey leaned away from him as she started to wrap the bandage around itself into a neat roll.

"You do. You most definitely do. But you, uh, you get a pass from me today for another reason, too."

Mark looked at her curiously. "This isn't headed toward a mercy killing, is it?"

She rolled her eyes at his bad joke. "Just shut up before I change my mind. No, I saw something today. I saw it in your face. You love that woman. I'm not saying that means I think you're right for her. I'm just saying... I saw it."

"I don't suppose I could convince you to tell her that, could I?"

Bailey stood and headed for the door.

"No, you could not. But when she's ready and [i]if[/i] she asks... well, I always tell my friends the truth."

Seattle Grace's toughest resident took her leave with that, and Mark sighed. His worries about Addison would have to be put on hold temporarily. Now that his shoulder had been treated, it was time to face Chief Webber.

*****

If life was a series of ups and downs, Derek felt as if he was attached to a speeding rollercoaster with higher ups and more perilous downs than anything he had ever ridden before in his life. Just when it seemed he'd recovered his footing, everything tilted on its axis again.

And the axis was always Addison--still, with little more than a month to go before they were divorced--still she somehow was the fulcrum upon which his life turned.

It had felt as if they were on level ground, at least for a while. She had agreed to help him with Doc, so long as he was honest with Meredith about it, and so Derek had met her condition.

[i]"You already talked to Addison about this? Before you talked to me?"

Derek sighed and dropped his head against the back of Meredith's couch.

"Well, Meredith, we don't have a lot of options. The dog can't move back in here, he's miserable and the vet said that we should try this, and I had to find out if she was even willing to do it."

"But you had already talked to the vet when we were in the on call room together," she said, not making it a question because she was confident of the fact. "So how hard was it to say, 'I'm going to ask Addison to share custody of our dog, is that okay with you?'"

"Oh, she's not 'sharing custody,' jeez." Derek popped up off the couch and began to pace the living room width-wise. "It's a few weekends to try to help Doc adjust. That's it."

"And you? Do you need a few more weekends to adjust, Derek?"

His eyes shot to those of his girlfriend, and he just stared, not sure what to say.

"I told you, I realize that for now, it's best for me to stay away from Addison. I'm not even gonna be the one to take Doc over. She's planning to ask Izzie to act as a go-between. So there's no problem. It's just to help the dog adjust."

Meredith matched his stare for a long beat after he finished speaking, then she walked over, took his hand, and drew him to the couch.

"You need to talk to me about things, Derek. First. I'm not your secret dog-walking friend anymore and Addison's not your wife anymore. Well, I mean, technically she is, but you know what I mean. I get to come first now. Okay?"[/i]

Derek knew she was right. Things had changed. He and Addison were ending and he had a new beginning with Meredith. So he couldn't figure out why, since the moment he had asked Addison for a divorce, he had been more conscious of Addison, more respectful of her place as his wife, then he had managed to be in the last several years of their marriage. It was almost as if having to stop and face her and ask her to understand why he'd had to leave had finally made Derek see her again... and now he couldn't stop seeing her.

But he was holding firm to his resolve. Because part of having his eyes opened with regard to his wife had been taking responsibility for the role he had played in hurting her. And Addison was trying hard to pull herself out of the hurt and get on with her life. So he had again used voicemail to let her know that he'd spoken to Meredith and that she could just have Izzie tell him when she was ready to plan a visit with Doc. The next day, Stevens had come home to Meredith's and announced that she would take Doc to Addison's Saturday morning.

The change in the dog when Stevens had dropped him off Monday was unmistakable. Doc was playful again, and he had even let Derek pet him, which had been a no-no for a good week at least. When he got into work that day, he'd found a voicemail from Addison saying Doc was welcome the following weekend as well.

The only two times he had actually spoken to her in person had involved Harley Salton. First, she had gone with him to talk to Harley and Joseph about why she would need a second surgery. Derek had been incredibly grateful to have her there. The new mother had been understandably scared and upset at the prospect of more surgery, and while Derek stepped away with her husband to try and give him more details, Addison sat with Harley. When a visibly rattled Joseph had wandered off to take a few minutes and regain his composure, Derek had turned back to the room to find tears streaming down Addison's face as she held their patient's hand and tried to help her hold on to her hope.

She had reminded him, in that moment, of the same rash, emotional over-involved intern he'd known so many years ago, only now, Addison's compassion was tempered with years of seeing cases end both happily and tragically. She couldn't promise anything, but just her warmth and concern had made a difference. By the time Joseph came back, Harley had been ready to hear about what came next in her treatment plan, and though she was still scared, she was ready to move on.

The next time he'd seen Addison had been to tell her Harley had survived her second surgery and was awake and asking to see her. Addison's smile had been amazing, and when she had touched his arm and said, "thank you," Derek felt an enormous sense of pride in the fact that he had not let her down.

But he kept his word--to himself, to Addison, to Meredith. He was keeping his distance, he was moving forward. He was letting go.

It was happenstance that he'd been at the nurses' station last night after checking in on a well-recovering Mrs. Salton and heard Debbie bemoaning the fact that because someone else had called in sick, she'd had to come in and was missing the chance to "check out Montgomery-Shepherd's new digs." He'd eavesdropped a little more closely then, and discovered that Addison was christening her new house with a small gathering of friends.

In that moment, Derek had lived the cliché of having all the air sucked out of his lungs. He'd been so short of breath, in fact, he had to go into an empty exam room to sit down and try to compose himself.

It was ridiculous for him to be upset or surprised that Addison was celebrating her new life or that he wasn't included. He knew it was not only ridiculous but wholly out of line for him to feel anything about it. And yet he felt a million things, not the least of which was regret that he was no longer one of Addison's "friends." Instead, he was the man who had left her.

The excuse had been weak, and Derek had known as he drove toward her address, which he had thanks to their legal paperwork on the divorce, that going was a mistake. But he couldn't stop himself. Maybe seeing it would really, finally drive this all home for him... free him from whatever hold their marriage seemed unwilling to release. Then he'd be free. They'd all be free.

The house was beautiful, and Derek already knew before going in that the inside would be perfect. Addison was all about little touches to make even the most expensive piece of furniture feel inviting to her guests. It was one of the main things people had always said about their home, that it just made you want to settle down and stay a while.

Laughter had floated from the house's open windows out to the sidewalk, and Derek had told himself one more time to walk away. But instead he'd moved up to the front porch and rang the doorbell. Then he watched the smile on Addison's face melt away at the shock of seeing him there.

[i]"Der--Derek, what are you, um, doing here?"

"I, uh, I meant to send some dog food over and I realized I'd forgotten to give it to Izzie, so... anyway, I can see you're busy, I just wanted to drop this off."

She was too nice a person and too polite to just take the food at the door and send him on his way. Addison invited him in, though she clearly looked uncomfortable with his presence. Still hoping for some sign from above to help him move on, Derek accepted and stepped inside.

Izzie Stevens was there, of course, and so was George O'Malley. Bailey and Tucker and little Tuck were also there. Derek could see them in the well-landscaped backyard playing with Doc, who seemed to be in heaven. Richard was manning the grill outside while Adele fussed at him to make sure the chicken was done. A half-dozen NICU nurses Derek recognized but didn't know by name floated around the rooms.

Feeling oddly out of place as people noticed him and waved or said hello, Derek followed Addison when she moved toward the kitchen to put the dog food away.

"You have a beautiful home, Addison."

She turned and looked at him and smiled slightly. "Thank you. I think I'll be pretty happy here."

He nodded because he wasn't sure what else to do. "I, uh, I should let you get back to things. I really didn't mean to interrupt."

"No, no, it's fine," she assured him. "I really wasn't going to do anything, but Izzie heard Richard talking about that time we had the big barbecue out at the Hamptons..."

"When Richard astounded everyone with his perfect marinade and Adele's sweet potato pie was the talk of the summer," he finished. Addison laughed.

"Exactly. So Richard offered, and Miranda decided the house needed some people in it and, well... here we are."

Here she was, in a house that was hers, not theirs, surrounded by her friends. Derek swallowed hard and decided he had to leave and do it now before he said or did something stupid.

"Okay, well, I'm off. Enjoy yourself, and, uh, give Doc a pat for me."

"I will. Thanks for, uh, running the food by."

He smiled and turned, anxious to get away, suddenly keenly aware that being here was only making him miss what he'd given up rather than doing anything to make it easier.

And then he stopped cold, his eyes finding Mark in the living room. He looked at home, comfortable, welcomed in Addison's inner circle.[/i]

He couldn't stop thinking about it, not last night when he'd gotten home, not when he'd practically bitten Meredith's head off when she tried to find out what was wrong with him, and not today when, during round two of his argument with Meredith about why he was in such a crappy mood, Mark had appeared in the hallway headed toward them. And even though his nemesis turned quickly to head in the opposite direction, Derek had lost focus on his fight with his lover and found himself consumed with a need to purge his anger on the man he blamed for it.

[i]"Mark!"

His call was ignored, and the plastic surgeon kept walking.

"What's the matter, have someone else's wife to go sleep with?"

The barb did its job. Mark stopped and turned to face him.

"You really want to do this here?"

"Do what," Derek asked, lowering his voice slightly so it looked like he was in control. But he wasn't. And he knew it. "I'm just stating a fact. You're a wife-stealing man-whore, and it's hardly a secret."

"Just walk away, Derek. Because you don't want this. Neither of us want this."

"No, what I don't want is to watch you worm your way back into Addie's life because you aren't even remotely good enough for her."

"Oh," Mark said, his arms crossing in front of him as a smirk slid across his face. "And you are? You, the man who left her for an intern, is the arbiter of who is good enough for Addison? You're pathetic."

"Pathetic is being so obsessed with your ego and your need to be number one that you had to find a way to get back at me for always being better, right? Because it killed you that you were always gonna be number two behind me, when it came to the best surgeon at Columbia."

Mark scoffed. "I got news for you, buddy, neither one of us had a prayer of being number one. Because Addison kicked both our asses, whether you want to admit it or not."

Derek felt his whole body tighten at the mention of his wife. He ignored Mark's assertion about their trio of surgical rankings and instead focused in on the woman whose name was at the center of all the rage between them.

"And that was the real issue, wasn't it? Addison. You and your crap about 'I can get any woman I want.' But you really only wanted the woman I had. You needed to take what was mine to prove you could. And that's really all she was to you, just some prize you could hold up to say you'd finally bested Derek Shepherd at something."

Mark's hands were at his chest in a moment, and Derek felt his back slammed into the wall.

"You shut your mouth right now! You don't know anything about how I felt about Addison, so you shut your mouth."

"You didn't feel anything!" Derek screamed, pushing Mark away from him. His rival stared at him intently, and Derek saw Mark's anger ratchet up a level.

"Who the hell are you to talk about what anyone feels? You're the man who managed to fall out of love with Addison Shepherd, Derek. Addison Freakin' Shepherd. What, was she suddenly not brilliant enough for you or gorgeous enough or sexy enough? 'Cause really, I got a feeling I'm not the only baffled by this. So why don't you explain how the hell any man with a brain in his head falls out of love with that woman?!"

The words on Derek's lips were ones he knew he couldn't say, and so Derek let his fist slam into Mark's face before they slipped out. He received two swift blows in return, one to his gut and another to his face. He punched again. He was hit again. And again and again, the two men rained blows down on one another, even as her voice reached them, even as Derek heard her begging first him and then Mark to stop.

"Please! What are you doing? Please, stop this!"

Someone grabbed Derek from behind and he was dragged away from Mark as he spied Karev pulling on the plastic surgeon to draw him back from the fight. Addison stood to the side, her face a mask of shock and confusion and embarrassment. Miranda Bailey was at her side.

"What the hell are you two doing?" Addison asked, her voice pained to the point that Derek knew she was going to cry. Then Mark stepped toward her, his hand reaching for hers.

"Addison, just... go, okay? We're done here."

"What the hell do you think you're proving now, Mark? You're not taking anything from me anymore, you know? I gave her up. So there's no more glory to be had."

Derek saw how the sting of his words made Addison flinch. Mark turned and headed toward him in a fury when he also saw her reaction. Again Derek felt the hard surface of the wall behind him.

"You need to hear you're right to end this, Derek? Fine, you're right. Maybe at first, it was about competing with you. But I am not the one who threw Addison away. I am not the one who forgot how lucky he was to ever have her in his life. And if you can't live with your own mistakes, then that's too damn bad. I am not leaving. I am not giving her up. So go to hell, Derek."[/i]

Mark had no sooner turned then Derek had grabbed his former friend, spinning them to reverse their positions. Then he had driven the other man into the wall as hard as he could. When Mark screamed in pain, Derek had jumped back. Only then had he really seen how many people were gathered, watching them--doctors, nurses, interns--most especially, Bailey's interns. Meredith had looked as if she had been slapped in the face. Before Derek could even take a step toward her, she had run off down the hall.

When he had turned toward Addison, she had looked at him with such disappointment and with such a heavy heart that Derek wanted to drop to his knees and beg her forgiveness. But he did nothing, just stood there and watched as she turned and walked off, her head held high despite the scene that had just unfolded.

The next few hours had been filled with Preston treating his injuries, a mild scolding part of the bargain, and by enduring a serious reaming from the chief. Richard was so furious, he'd actually threatened to suspend Derek. And the truth was, he deserved it. He knew it. What he'd done was unconscionable, not just because of the uproar he'd caused in the hospital but because he'd managed to hurt both Addison and Meredith with his insane behavior.

Meredith wouldn't take his calls. After getting her voicemail for the fifth time, he'd stopped calling. He'd gotten Addison's five times, too.

It was just as well. He didn't know what to say to either of them. He didn't know how to explain to anyone that he was absolutely positive he didn't want to give up the future he had fantasized about with Meredith. He didn't want to do that any more than he wanted to give up the life knew with Addison. Because he was still convinced that he loved Mer. Some part of him was sure of it.

[i] "Who the hell are you to talk about what anyone feels? You're the man who managed to fall out of love with Addison Shepherd, Derek. Addison Freakin' Shepherd. What, was she suddenly not brilliant enough for you or gorgeous enough or sexy enough? 'Cause really, I got a feeling I'm not the only baffled by this. So why don't you explain how the hell any man with a brain in his head falls out of love with that woman?!"[/i]

Derek leaned back in the lawn chair on the porch outside his trailer and sighed as he looked up into the sky. And the words he'd refused to let himself scream at Mark earlier whispered past his lips.

"I didn't fall out of love with her. I didn't."

*****

Addison lay in bed, unable to sleep, and wished more than anything that this one of her Doc nights so that he was here to snuggle against her.

She hadn't even realized how much she'd missed having the mutt to curl up with until the first night he'd stayed over and she had, out of habit, called him to bed. Doc had spun himself in three circles before he settled down against the covers, his head pressed into her side.

[i]"I guess you're kind of our trial run, huh, Doc? If we can somehow get you through a rough spot, maybe there's hope we can actually co-parent Baby Girl Shepherd, too."[/i]

From all reports--at least, from the ones Izzie relayed over their morning cups of coffee and tea--Doc was improving since he'd started having his sleepovers with, for lack of a better term, his stepowner. Addison was glad he was happier, and honestly, she enjoyed the company on the weekends when the house felt a little bit too big and empty.

But the situation had felt ripe with potential disaster from the get-go. Addison had insisted Derek tell Meredith about her involvement because she had assumed it would cause trouble, and it had, according to Izzie. But still, Derek had called to ask her to setup the visit, and because Addison hated the thought of Doc so miserable, she had gone along with it. The fact that both Miranda and Mark had felt uneasy over her keeping an emotional connection with Derek via Doc had done nothing to make her feel better about it. Perhaps if only Mark had balked, she'd have dismissed it, but when her best friend agreed, Addison had nearly backed out.

But she had not, and that first Saturday, Izzie had brought Doc over and then returned after her shift so they could take the dog for a walk and share a pizza and some girl talk, during which Addison finally got the whole lowdown on Stevens' history with Alex Karev and during which Izzie, over a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream, agreed to formally track her training under Addison.

It pleased her to know she'd have someone working with her who she trusted so much as her pregnancy continued. Addison knew some of the long hours she put in monitoring her surgical babies and her high-risk mothers would have to give way to the realities of impending motherhood. So knowing she'd have Izzie there to pick up some of the slack had set her mind at ease.

As the next week began, Addison entered her 12th week of pregnancy and though what changes her body was showing could've been chalked up to break-up eating, she had started spending whole days in scrubs at work in the hopes that as it became more and more necessary to conceal her expanding tummy, it would seem less odd for her to not be in her normal wardrobe. She knew the nurses often tried to guess what designer labels she was wearing, and a sudden change would get their attention, so she wanted to start to make the transition now.

Her O.B. was pleased with her progress and with the baby's development, and with her amnio now only about a week away, Addison was trying to keep her focus on all things not-Derek related. Only twice had work drawn them together, and both times, Addison had felt the strain of trying to keep her emotions in check.

It was perhaps the combination of the particulars of Harley Salton's case and her own pregnancy that heightened everything for Addison, but when she had gone with Derek to tell Harley she would need more surgery, it had been one of the most difficult moments in her professional life. She had always been the doctor who got too involved--which, of course, was why she could caution Izzie about repeating her mistakes. But beyond the case itself, it was the pain of knowing that when she walked out of Harley's room, the one thing she wanted was something she couldn't have because what she had wanted so much was to ask Derek to hold her.

It was insane to her that after everything, her body and her heart craved his comfort. She had been so long without it in the later stages of their marriage, but it was like breathing to her to seek it out. But she knew she had to fight that impulse, and so when Derek had come to see her again to let her know Harley had come through the second surgery, she had tried to get away from him as quickly as she could. Then on impulse, she had touched his arm and thanked him, and Derek had looked at her with such emotion, that she had almost come undone.

There was still too much "Addison and Derek" in the room with them when they were together, and so they had gone back to voicemail and intermediaries for any information they needed to exchange. She had gone back to comforting herself, with work, with friends... with Mark.

The ease of the friendship between them sometimes surprised her, and though she was always aware of him wanting more, Mark never pushed her. She was incredibly grateful for that, because there were days when she was afraid that the part of her that had once thought Mark could be Derek's substitute was still very much inside of her. And she didn't want to do that again, not to either of them. If Addison ever opened her heart to Mark, it had to be for him, for who he was and because she had decided he was what she wanted.

She knew what it felt like now to be second best. She would not put him through that. Especially not after the way he had looked at her Sunday night after Derek's unexpected appearance at her housewarming party.

[i]"Mark, he just brought over something for the dog. You don't have to get all protective, okay?"

He walked closer to her, taking her right hand in his a moment before he pulled her against him and held her.

"I don't ever want to see you that way again, Addison, the way you were the other night. And I know I'm partly to blame for that, too, because of what I did in New York. But I can't stand the thought of you that hurt again."[/i]

When he had first come to Seattle and declared her "the woman he loved," Addison physically shrunk away from him, unwilling to hear the words or to even acknowledge the possibility that they might be true. And though she was nowhere near ready to entertain the idea of returning his feelings, she knew now that he had meant them. Mark did love her.

But loving her had never been enough to keep the men around her from throwing her life into turmoil, and as the day just past had proven, that still held true. Addison had not been able to believe her ears when she'd heard Mark and Derek screaming at one another. She'd believed her eyes even less when she'd finally come around the corner to see why the yelling had stopped to find them beating the hell out of one another.

And now, once again, her love life was the talk of Seattle Grace. Her husband and her lover had fought over her in a hallway. She could only imagine the intricate dramas the gossips were weaving to fill in the details they were missing.

Mark had apologized, and she knew he meant it. She also knew that his defense of her to Derek had been heartfelt and genuine. But hearing him admit that their affair had started in part as a one-up of Derek had hurt, even if she'd long since suspected. She knew she would let it go eventually, but tonight, she was angry, and she felt justified in it.

What had really stung, though, was the thought that Derek's angry accusations at Mark were really an explanation of how he saw her. Addison couldn't help but wonder if she had become so insignificant to him that he really thought the only reason a man would come after her was as a means to get to him. When she remembered their first half dozen years together and how crazy they had been about each other, it was hard for her to imagine that he could really say that and mean it. But it had been impossible, too, back then to imagine a day when her beloved would tell her he no longer loved her the same way and ask her for a divorce.

He had called her several times, but Addison had let all the calls go to voicemail. She wasn't ready to actually speak to Derek yet, but she had listened to the messages. They all sounded nearly the same, Derek's voice heavy and sad.

[i]"Addie, I'm... I don't even know what to say except I'm sorry. I have no excuse. I'm sorry. I just... I really do need to talk to you. So... call me back. I know you won't want to, but call me back."[/i]

She hadn't called back. But she knew she would, eventually. They had to get past this just like they had to find a way to deal with their failed marriage. Even if Derek didn't know it yet, they had a lot to discuss with regard to the future of their unborn child, and nothing, not even a very public fight at SGH was going to deter Addison from making every effort to give her baby both its parents.

As her jumbled thoughts and twisted emotions tormented Addison through a sleepless night, she found herself grateful that Richard had insisted she take a day off to let him deal with Mark and Derek before she had to come back and face the hospital staff again. But somehow she knew exactly who was calling when, just after she had finally drifted off to sleep at 6 a.m., her pager went off. She wiped the sleep from her eyes and called in.

"This is Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd."

"Hold on, I'll get Dr. Bailey for you," the desk nurse replied.

"Addison, I'm sorry," Miranda said, her voice genuinely regretful. "Sabrina Santos just came into the E.R. I saw her on my way in to work. Baby's showing signs of fetal distress."

Wide awake now, Addison sat up and threw back her covers. "I'm on my way. Is Izzie there yet?"

"Just saw her head for the locker room. I'll tell her to monitor till you get here."

"Thanks, Miranda. Bye."

Years of rushing out in the middle of the night to deliver a baby or perform an emergency surgery had Addison trained to get out of the house in 15 minutes when necessary. Twenty minutes after that, she pulled into the Seattle Grace parking lot and started toward the E.R., all thoughts of yesterday's drama pushed aside by the needs of her patient.

She walked through the sliding doors, her mind already on what she needed to check with regards to Sabrina and her baby, when she heard the yelling.

"What the hell is that all about?" Addison asked as Olivia passed by her.

"Kid smoked a joint laced with PCP. Security's trying to get him into restraints. Dr. Stevens has your patient in curtain two."

Addison nodded and headed for where her patient waited. Sabrina's apprehension was obvious, but it was also clear that Izzie had already calmed her down a great deal.

"Dr. Shepherd, is he gonna be okay?"

Smiling, Addison took the chart Izzie offered to her and began to read. "Well, we're gonna find that out, Sabrina, okay? I just need to look at this--"

The screaming was piercing, and Addison turned and caught barely a glimpse of the shrieking teenager as he tore through the E.R. from one end to the other. More screams followed, these from terrified patients, as security followed the drugged-up boy and he reacted by throwing furniture, running over people and breaking anything that got in his path.

When he lunged toward the bed where her patient lay, Addison moved on instinct, shielding Sabrina with her body.

"No! Get back!" she yelled, ducking her head in case the teen tried to hit her.

Instead, she felt arms wrap around her, and Addison left her feet as a scream tore from her own throat before she sailed through the air, her head slamming into the supply counter five feet away from where she'd stood.

She could still hear the screaming and someone said her name, but the sound was fading, and Addison felt her world narrow and then go black as she lost consciousness on the floor of the E.R.

Commentary?

contact the author