It wasn't a typical sight to see strong, confident, take-no-prisoners Addison Shepherd skulking in the halls of Seattle Grace, but when you've been ordered to take the day off by the chief of surgery, being in the building could be cause for a major round of Richard Webber yelling. He had rigged the schedule so that all his "stars" had today off to ensure no one could luck into an emergency and get out of the hospital fund-raiser. He had even given Bailey's interns the day off to make sure none of their attendings could use a consult as an excuse. But Addison had to risk her chief's upset. She needed to put her mind at ease about two very special patients before she could really give in to not being on call or at work.

The NICU was fairly empty--only two babies were in residence, their parents probably either still sleeping or getting something to eat. Addison exchanged smiles and morning greetings with the nurse on duty, then moved to the isolette that held one Jackson Harley Salton. The little boy had come through like a trooper, and though they'd kept him in the NICU as a precautionary measure, he had been breathing on his own since a few hours after his c-section delivery. Addison was beyond pleased to see that he had remained stable all night, and that he was alert and active this morning.

"Hello there, Jackson. You know what? I need to go check in on your mommy. Would you like to come with me?"

Addison opened the isolette and drew the five pound, two ounce baby into her hold. He yawned and batted his arms around, his eyes shifting as he realized he had moved out from under his protective covering.

"Let's go surprise your mama."

Harley had also come through the surgery well, and though she was dealing with some after effects of the steroid treatments, when Addison had left the night before, her patient had been in good shape. Derek had scheduled the surgery for removing her tumor late next week, giving Harley some time to recover from the c-section and to bond with her baby before she underwent the difficult procedure.

Using her elbow, Addison partially opened the door of Harley's room and found the mother awake and sitting up in bed. Smiling, she pushed the rest of the way into the room and laughed as she saw Harley's tired face brighten a hundred times as she saw her son.

"He's okay?"

"He is fantastic," Addison reported as she made quick work of depositing Jackson into his mother's arms. "Stable, breathing well, and from what I hear, hungry, so the nurse is bringing a bottle in for you so you can give him his breakfast."

"Dr. Shepherd, I really don't know how to thank you," Harley said, her eyes brimming with tears. "I really... just thank you so much for what you did for us."

The gratitude of her patients had never failed to touch Addie deeply in all her years of doctoring. Despite all that she'd heard... and learned... about not getting too involved, too attached, it was always awe-inspiring to be part of bringing a healthy new life into the world. But she could tell that her own pregnancy was also heightening that reaction, and Harley's tearful thanks had Addison on the verge of tears herself. She shook her head to try to ward off a crying jag and shrugged.

"You did all the hard work. All I did was prescribe some meds and pull him out."

Harley laughed, and Addison joined her, which also helped push down some of her swirling emotions.

"I find myself praying... just randomly, throughout the day... that these won't be the only days that I'll get to spend with him."

That drew the moisture right back, and Addison swiped at some errant drops on her cheeks as watched Harley looking down in wonder at her son.

"You are in a wonderful hospital and you have a brilliant surgeon, Harley. You're doing everything you can to stay with Jackson and to make a long, happy life with your family."

"I know," the woman whispered, her index finger pulling against her baby boy's hold.

Though she had planned to spend more time visiting, Addison knew she was one word away from a full-on crying fit, and so when the nurse arrived with Jackson's bottle, she excused herself and headed to the locker room to wash her face and then escape SGH before Richard busted her cold for violating his orders.

When she was done, she made a beeline for the exit and the parking garage. And then she rounded the corner, still in stealth mode, and crashed into Izzie Stevens.

"Oh, God, Dr. Shepherd, I'm sorry."

"No, No, Stevens, it's okay."

The two women stepped apart and stared at each other for a minute before they dissolved into a fit of laughter.

"Sneaking around on your mandatory day off?" Addison asked. Izzie smiled.

"I just came to see Denny, and now I'm leaving. Are you sneaking around on your mandatory day off?"

"I had two patients I had to check on, but I'm leaving now. I need to go buy a dress for this dinner tonight."

"Oh," the blonde replied, "me, too, actually. I had something in mind, but, I don't know, I just feel like something new."

Addison nodded. She had a closet full of clothes that were more than appropriate for the event, but while they still fit in the waist, she'd discovered after three different dress changes that they were all becoming too snug in the chest. Looking back at Izzie to excuse herself and get on with her day, Addison was surprised to find the young woman in deep thought, clearly spinning something over and over in her mind.

"Well, do you..." The intern stopped and seemed to consider whether or not she wanted to say what she'd begun to. Then she took a deep breath and went on. "I mean, you probably have plans, but if you wanted to shop together..."

The offer was more than unexpected coming from one of Meredith's closest friends, and given the issues they'd had in the past, Addison was twice as surprised to receive an overture of friendship from Izzie. And while her first instinct was to refuse because it meant worrying about hiding her pregnancy symptoms, Addison decided to instead take a chance and see if maybe the connection she'd once felt with Stevens was still there.

"My plans mostly consisted of probably trying on a half dozen dresses and looking for a good place to have breakfast, because I'm starving, so if that sounds good to you..."

Izzie smiled anew and nodded. "I can take you to my favorite diner. They make killer pancakes."

Twenty minutes later, Addison's clicked the automatic door locks on her Mercedes from the remote and then followed Izzie into "Gizmo's". The hostess smiled and greeted the blonde warmly before seating the two doctors at a corner booth toward the back.

"Come here a lot?" Addison asked. Stevens laughed.

"I do. It's my pig-out heaven."

This morning was one of "those" mornings when Addison was so hungry she felt like she could eat a table full of food. She'd already eaten a banana and some yogurt before leaving the house, but she... or rather the baby... was ready for another meal.

After settling on the short stack, herbal tea and a glass of milk, and surrendering to the envy she felt over seeing Izzie's steaming cup of coffee, Addison noticed the contemplative look on her companion's face.

"Something on your mind?"

"I, uh, I heard that Dr. Sloan was in town."

Addison nodded, though since she knew Richard and Mark were still talking about a contract and nothing was official, she kept the specifics of his visit to herself. "He is, indeed. Some business in town, I think."

"Is that... weird for you?"

"Why would it be weird?"

The confused look on Izzie's face disappeared when Addison winked at her, and the two dissolved into laughter for the second time that morning.

"Mark's... he was a good friend to me for a long time. And then he was more... and now he's just someone I know who's in town visiting."

Izzie looked at her and nodded. "I, uh, I was also gonna ask... I know it's not really my business, but... are you okay?"

For a few panic-stricken moments, Addison thought the younger woman had guessed her secret, but then the conversation continued and touch upon a wholly different, though equally difficult topic.

"Mer's my friend, you know," Izzie continued, "And I'm happy for her that she's happy, but... I just wondered if you were okay."

A small smile born from her gratitude at the concern made its way onto Addie's face. "I'm as well as can be expected. It's... hard. Maybe the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but it is what it is. Time to... move on."

The blonde nodded. "Sometimes I really do think that love is just too hard, all the way around."

"It can be." Addison sipped at her tea before she went on. "Love can be far too painful and cost too much, and it can... make you forget who you were before it came. But when it's good..."

Izzie sighed. "Yeah, when it's good..."

There was something so familiar in the sound of Izzie's voice, and Addison recognized it as that wistful tone of first falling love. But the intern was definitely right about her own case if the gossip Addison had heard was true... love would not be easy.

"Izzie... I know this is none of [i]my[/i] business, but... you do know what could happen if Chief Webber ever suspected..."

She let her voice trail off as the younger woman nodded.

"I know. And I've tried to put distance between us, I really have because I know it's against the rules. But I just--I can't seem to help myself."

It was a feeling Addison knew all too well. Because even when all the signs had pointed to Derek no longer being hers, she had been unable to stop herself from trying to win him back.

"I'm not trying to lecture you, I promise," Addie offered. "I'm just saying... be careful. You're a talented doctor. And someday... if your life caves in on you... being a surgeon might be all you have to hold on to."

They were saved from any more serious conversation by the arrival of their food. And soon, they were planning their shopping expedition and looking forward to the night ahead.

*****

From the moment he had arrived in Seattle, Derek had deemed the lake on his property his safe haven. He didn't have serious discussions on its shores and he tried his damnedest to leave any upset about work or his life behind. Here he fished and he relaxed and he cleared his mind in order to restore himself for another day of critical O.R. decisions and, until recently, another day of juggling his complicated love life.

The complications were supposed to be behind him now. But the fact that his mental solitude at the lake on this particular morning had been shattered by the turmoil in his relationships was proof to the contrary.

The plain fact was, Derek was confused and miserable, and he had no clue how to fix it. Everything in his life not related to surgery felt off, including his relationship with his dog. And if a man and his dog weren't getting along, then things were about at their rock-bottom point. But when he had come home last night and discovered what was left of the sofa after Doc was done tearing it to shreds, Derek knew that things were hitting their zenith of bad.

On top of his upset canine, tension and flat-out hostility met Derek everywhere he went. Richard was clearly still pissed at him for deciding to leave Addison, and the one time he had run into Adele had been uncomfortable to say the least. He understood their reactions. The Webbers had championed the marriage and they adored Addison, and Derek knew they felt like Addison needed them right now, and truth be told, he figured she probably did. Still, it hurt to have such old friends upset with him, even if he knew that he'd done what he felt was right.

Miranda Bailey was also not his biggest fan lately. For the first few weeks after his split with Addie, Bailey had refused to assign Meredith to a single case of his. Not surprisingly, when he had complained about it to Richard, he'd found very little sympathy. But finally, they had let up and allowed Mer back on his assignments. Still, being on Bailey's "bad list" was no fun for anyone, and he and his girlfriend were clearly definitely still on it. The looks alone could send them both scurrying, but while Miranda seemed to have some empathy for Meredith, when it came to him, she was all disdain and sarcasm. Sometimes he felt like he should remind her he was technically her boss... then Derek would regain his sanity and just hope that Bailey's anger would pass.

The interns were basically mute on the subject, but their emotions were fairly clear. Karev was the only one who seemed not to give a damn. Yang and O'Malley were both suspicious, waiting for Derek to hurt Meredith yet again. Stevens, however, was torn. She clearly wanted things to work out for them, but Derek had more than once caught the blonde looking at his wife with sympathetic eyes. But still, the group held their tongues, probably hoping to avoid being dragged into any more "McDreamy and Meredith" drama.

And now, as if all that weren't enough, Mark Sloan was in Seattle, a fact that did nothing but leave a bad taste in Derek's mouth when he thought about all the baggage the plastic surgeon brought with him, baggage that could affect Derek and Addison's life for the worse.

But even with all his other worries, the two most important and volatile relationships in his life remained those with Meredith and Addison, and neither was going the way he had expected them to.

Though their talk a few days earlier seemed to return a sense of peace to things between he and Mer, there was a lingering feeling that a shoe was waiting to drop on them. Mark's presence had only exacerbated that sensation for Derek, mostly from the undeniable edge of jealousy that lingered from the way Sloan had flirted with Meredith last time he'd been in town. Mark's claims that he'd done it to push Derek's buttons had done little to alleviate the feeling.

And while he struggled to work on his new relationship, the one he had left remained ever present. He and Addison were a mess... if anything, a bigger mess than before their split. Everything he said and did seemed to upset her more, hurt her more, and while Derek knew the best thing he could do would probably be to pull back completely, he just couldn't do it.

But she was. Ever since their fight in his office the other day, Addison had been avoiding him. They had crossed paths briefly in Harley Salton's room when Addie had paged to tell him she was going ahead with the c-section, but otherwise, he'd barely seen her. And that should've made things easier.

But it hadn't. And he didn't understand why that was.

The squeal of car brakes and Doc's barking told Derek he wasn't about to figure it out today. Determined to try to make some progress in his current relationship, he had invited Meredith out to spend their bonus day off with him. Her arrival heralded the end of his musings, and after setting down his gear, Derek walked toward her.

"Well, at least seeing you seems to have cheered him up a little," Derek said as he motioned toward Doc before pulling her into a hug.

"What's wrong with Doc?"

"I have no idea... but he ate my couch."

Meredith leaned back and looked from Derek to Doc and back again. "Seriously?"

"Seriously," he replied. "He's very... moody lately."

"Huh. When did that start?"

Derek nearly answered honestly before he realized what that would do to the day. So instead he bit his tongue and said, "Not sure."

No, it wouldn't do at all for Meredith to know that "their" dog had begun acting out the day the pooch had realized that Addison was not coming home.

*****

The Library Bistro at the Alexis Hotel had been Addison's suggestion, and she was grateful Richard had chosen it as the venue for the fund-raiser. It was more intimate than the ballroom at the Fairmont and it wasn't [i]at[/i] the Fairmont, which she was extremely grateful for. It was just... a little too soon for her to want to be back in that particular hotel.

As she walked in and took in the elegance of the room, Addison felt good about the night to come. Three boutique stops had been rewarded with a lovely navy blue satin slip dress that accommodated her newly-blossomed chest but fit loose enough through the waist for her to feel like her secret was safely hidden away.

Miraculously, she had made it through the day feeling pretty good. She was, as Robert had advised, learning what foods made her sicker and which ones helped stabilize her through the day. The baby liked fruit and yogurt and bread of all kinds. She also seemed to enjoy pancakes and waffles. Eggs were a definite no, however, as was any kind of cereal or red meat. Chicken and turkey--yes. Fish--absolutely no.

'Opinionated already,' Addison thought to herself, 'and she's not even here yet.'

She was still smiling at that when she noticed Miranda and Tucker waving her over to the table where they were seated. She crossed, saying hello to some of the other doctors and hospital supporters she knew, and finally made her way to her friends.

"You look amazing," Tucker said as he stood and kissed her cheek before pulling a chair out for her beside his wife.

"You clean up pretty nice yourself, Tucker."

Miranda laughed. "Don't tell him that. His head is big enough already."

Tucker rolled his eyes at the notorious "Nazi" before offering to go get them all drinks. As he left with their beverage orders, Addison felt Miranda's eyes scrutinizing her.

"Yes?"

"You do look great. You're feeling better?"

Addison nodded. "I am, a little. And I had a good day. I, uh, I actually had breakfast with Izzie Stevens, and then we went shopping."

"Really? How did that happen?"

"I don't know," Addie said, adding a shrug. "It just did. And it was really nice to just... be myself for a while without any drama going on. I don't get to do that much, unless I'm with you."

"Huh. Well... she's a smart girl," Miranda noted. "The chief says she reminds him of you."

Addison chuckled. "Yeah, I'm sure those aren't fond memories. I frustrated Richard to no end when I was his intern."

"Child, please, that's just what interns do. They should call them frustrations instead of interns."

Tucker returned and they all toasted the evening, Addison with a glass of sparkling water, and then they trio got up to socialize and mingle in the room. As they did, a steady stream of their fellow doctors and party guests arrived, and Addison and Miranda noted their entrances. Preston Burke proved he did more for a tuxedo than should be legal, causing more than a few ladies in the room to swoon. And Cristina Yang looked unbelievably uncomfortable at making her public debut as Preston's girlfriend, so both women had headed over to say hello and try to help her ease into the evening.

When Izzie Stevens and George O'Malley arrived, Izzie made a beeline for Addison, dragging George along.

"I knew that dress was perfect," the blonde said as the two interns joined her at the bar, where Addison was getting a water refill.

"I love it. And you look amazing."

Izzie had settled on a sexy red halter dress with an asymmetrical hem. Addison had nearly had to blackmail her to get her to try it on, but once she had, Izzie had fallen in love with the garment.

"I'm so glad I bought it."

Alex Karev was also clearly glad Izzie had bought it. It was hard not to notice his eyes following his fellow intern everywhere she went. Addison wasn't sure just how involved the two were or had been, but if Stevens thought her only romantic problem was Denny Duquette, she was mistaken.

Before long, Richard tracked Addison down to let her know it was nearly time for her speech. She was just heading to the stage when Derek entered the room. That familiar pang of appreciation was there in her stomach as it had been for years now. There was nothing quite so gorgeous as Derek dressed up, his blue eyes set off by a dark suit and a crisp white shirt. But the feeling in her gut turned very different as Meredith Grey stepped to his side. She was wearing a turquoise empire waist gown and she looked lovely, and Addison had never wanted to hate anyone so badly in her life.

But it wasn't Meredith's fault that Derek loved her. So Addison just smiled politely when the duo both noticed her looking at them, and then she made her way to the stage to give the keynote speech of the evening.

The happy and confident Addison who had genuinely been enjoying the evening had evaporated at the sight of her husband and his girlfriend. But she had promised Richard a performance that would have the donations rolling in tonight, and since the cause was near and dear to her--refurbishing the family center so that parents would have a more comfortable place to stay while their children were in the NICU or Pediatric wings for treatment--she had every intention of delivering.

"Years ago," she heard Richard say, "I met a young doctor I knew was going to challenge me more than nearly any other intern I'd come across. And not because of her attitude, because she was one of the most respectful young women I'd ever met. Or because of her work habits, because she was amazingly dedicated, and if anything, I had to teach her how to work a little less and enjoy life more--and trust me, coming from me, that was an odd lesson."

The crowd laughed. Somehow her eyes shot right to Derek, and though she could tell he was remembering the time period Richard was describing, Addison couldn't tell how he felt about it or if the memories were happy ones.

"No, this young lady had talent and intelligence and she was tough," the chief said, continuing his introduction. "But she also cared so much for her patients that I was afraid it might be her undoing. And I used to worry a lot about her. But as it turns out, while I was worrying, she was listening to my advice... and before too long, she found a balance of surgical precision and compassion that made her one of the finest surgeons I know and one of the absolute best at what she does. So, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Dr. Addison Montgomery-Shepherd."

Applause rang out in the room and Addie took her place on stage after receiving a kiss on the cheek and a whispered wish of good luck from Richard. And then she began to speak about some of the surgeries she had done at Seattle Grace since her arrival, recounting some of the more intense cases she had treated, from the original T.T.T.S. case that had brought her to Seattle to her latest efforts at getting the Salton baby into the world so Harley could have her brain tumor removed.

"The thing I can tell you that remains constant in every single case I've told you about tonight," she told her enthralled audience, "is that for all the miraculous things we can do in an O.R.--and believe me, we can do incredible things. I've watched Dr. Burke put a heart back together when it seemed impossible. I've seen... Dr. Shepherd defy insurmountable odds and reroute a blood vessel in a patient's brain, saving her life. But with all of that... sometimes the thing that makes the biggest difference for our patients is having their family there with them, holding their hands, telling them they love them. Family is... this indescribably powerful force that, at its worst, can make us crazy or break our hearts. But at its best? Family can make all the difference for a patient who needs that extra bit of hope, that one thing to hold on to when we brilliant surgeons and all the medical technology available have done their job, and all that's left is faith."

Despite the monumental effort she was making to avoid him, Addison's eyes found Derek's in the room, and the intensity with which he was watching her made her wonder how long it had been since he'd actually paid so much attention to anything she had to say. Then Meredith leaned forward and put her hand on his shoulder, and Derek's gaze drifted back to her.

Addison swallowed hard and let her eyes drop down to the podium. The hurt made it hard to breathe, but she had a job to finish. She took a deep breath and looked out at her audience.

"That is why the Seattle Grace Family Center is so vital," she said, wrapping up, needing to get off the stage before she ended up in a teary mess. "And all of you who support it and the families who need it so much can know that you've done a very good and a very important thing. Thank you very much. Enjoy the rest of your evening."

A loud round of applause sounded as Addison made her way off the stage and back to her table. Miranda, who never missed anything, put a comforting hand her shoulder as she took her seat.

"You okay?"

Addison nodded and sipped at her glass of water. She was about to excuse herself to go out for some air in an effort to clear her head when Richard asked for everyone's attention.

"As Addison pointed out," he began, "we are very fortunate to have a roster of incredible surgeons on hand at Seattle Grace. These men and women are some of the finest doctors in the world--the surgical elite--and they are well-respected amongst their peers. And we are proud to announce tonight that we are adding another first-rate surgeon to our ranks."

"Oh, lord," Addison whispered, causing Miranda to look back at her. "This is it. He hired Mark."

"Dr. Mark Sloan, a preeminent plastic surgeon who specializes in traumatic facial reconstruction, is joining us as the new head of the Seattle Grace Craniofacial Center. Please help me welcome him. Dr. Sloan."

Another round of applause broke out as Mark strolled into the room and made his way across its length to the stage. He looked amazing in his well-cut dark gray suit, and though she had no clue how he knew where she was, Addison startled when his eyes locked on her for a long moment before he finally finished his journey to the stage.

"And now is when the betting pool starts on who throws the next punch... Shepherd or Sloan," Miranda whispered. Addison, knowing how likely that eventuality was, just shook her head.

"Thank you very much," Mark said as he took the podium, "I am very, very excited to be here at Seattle Grace. I have a feeling the possibilities for me here... are going to be amazing to explore."

Addison felt a dozen assorted gazes fall on her at Mark's comment, and rather than deal with the silent examinations of her reaction, she excused herself and headed to the ladies room. By the time she returned, the party guests were dancing and mingling again, and Addie gratefully headed back toward her table. Mark stepped in front of her, however, when she was two feet from her empty chair.

"Would you like to dance?"

Crossing her arms, Addison eyed her "friend" carefully.

"What happened to you getting I only want to be friends?"

"Since when can't friends ask friends to dance?" Mark replied.

"That's not what I'm talking about."

He laughed. "Okay, okay, don't give me the Addie eyebrow, okay? I never said I would give up hope... just that I would play by your rules. Now... are you gonna dance with me or what? I wore a tie and everything."

Sometimes Mark just made her laugh, and Addison was in the market for a good chuckle after the unexpected stings her heart had taken over the course of the evening. She took Mark's hand and followed him to the dance floor. As they arrived, the deejay started a new song, a sexy jazz piece he announced was called "Obsession Confession."

"You are so not slick," Addison said as Mark pulled her against him and they began to move together on the floor.

"Oh, just shut up and dance."

*****

Derek Shepherd was beside himself. Mark Sloan could not... [i]could not...[/i] work at Seattle Grace. It was too much. And he had every intention of telling Richard what he thought of this ridiculous decision as soon as he found him.

"You just need to calm down," Meredith said, still by his side as he raced around the room trying to find his boss. "If you go talk to the chief now, you're just going to make a scene."

"He hired the man who slept with my wife, Meredith. I think that warrants a scene."

He had walked another ten steps before he realized she was no longer at his side. Stopping, Derek turned and walked back to her.

"I've moved on... but it will never be okay that Mark betrayed my trust the way he did. He was supposed to be my best friend."

"But it's over now," she said.

"I know that. I know," he replied. "But... you just don't understand."

And she didn't, because he didn't, so how was he supposed to explain it?

He was pondering that very thought when he looked out across the room for Richard and instead saw Mark Sloan on the dance floor, Addison in his arms.

"You have got to be kidding me."

"What?" Meredith asked.

"Look at that. God."

"What?" she repeated, though now Mer was looking at the same scene he was.

"Bastard."

Derek took hold of Meredith's hand and started for the door. He had definitely had enough of this party, and if Richard got pissed about him leaving, so be it. At this point, Derek really didn't care.

"Hey, are you planning to ask me if I want to leave?"

Sighing, Derek stopped and turned to face his lover.

"Mer, I'm sorry. I just... I need to get out of here. You don't want me to make a scene? Fine. Then I need to go."

"Okay then," she said. "You go. I'll get a ride home with Izzie and George."

"Meredith..."

He could hear the exasperation in his own voice. He had seriously had enough of this night.

"I think you need some time alone... to calm down. I'll talk to you tomorrow."

Meredith leaned in and kissed him quickly, and then she headed off to look for her friends. Resigned, Derek headed out of the room, seeking the outdoors and some fresh air.

Instead of heading straight for the valet stand, Seattle's best neurosurgeon began to stroll around the outside of the Alexis hotel. The night was clear, the stars twinkling overhead, and Derek only wished his mind could be as calm and organized as the sky above him.

He was livid over Mark being hired at Seattle Grace. Beyond livid. But his ruined mood had begun to set in even before Richard's announcement. Because even in a roomful of people, with drinks flowing and music playing and with Meredith at his side, Derek couldn't get the damn words out of his head.

[i]"Well, you should know. You have a master's degree in how to hurt me."[/i]

When Addison had been standing there talking about family, her skill and her compassion on equal display, Derek had felt so proud of her. He knew he didn't have a right to anymore, but still, it was there. Then she had mentioned him, and he felt her pride in him, and he was glad to know that feeling remained for her as well. But when she had mentioned that family could, "at its worst," break your heart, suddenly he could see her again, standing there in his office, and he'd heard those words again.

He had tried to ignore her angry outburst. That had worked for half a day. Then he had reassured himself that, yes, he knew he had hurt Addison, and so she was just lashing out, striking back at him in a heated moment. That's all it was.

But the memory of how she had looked at him when she said it kept pulling at Derek, forcing him to exam the words again. Because she didn't look just angry... and she didn't look just hurt. For that one moment when Addison had lost control, she had looked... devastated.

"Derek, if you came out here for another round of 'Mark Sloan is bad for you,' I'm really not up for it."

Addison's voice startled him, and Derek realized that in his wanderings, he had found the very source of his disquiet. She was standing out on the patio outside the Bistro. And she looked far less than happy to see him.

"No, no, I... I'm sorry," he said. "I didn't know you were out here."

"I just needed some air."

Derek nodded and stepped closer. "Yeah, me, too. It's been... a night."

"Are you okay?" she asked. Derek shrugged.

"Feeling a little blind-sided. Richard could have warned me."

"He was probably afraid you wouldn't come."

"Yeah, probably," he agreed, chuckling slightly despite his mood. "You knew, I guess?"

"Just that Mark was interested. I didn't know they'd worked out a deal."

Derek let his eyes wander over the woman beside him. She was staring out into the night, and he noticed that she seemed tired. When she felt his eyes on her, Addison looked back at him.

"What?"

"I, uh... I've been wondering..."

She said nothing, waiting for him to finish.

"That thing you said the other day... it's just been bugging me."

"That thing I said?" she asked.

Derek nodded. "Yeah, that thing about, you know, that I had a degree in hurting you... or whatever you said."

Somehow pretending he didn't remember the words... or the exact timbre of her voice as she had said them... made it easier for him to bring it up with her.

"What about what I said?"

"It's just... I know that I didn't handle things... well. With us, I mean. And I just wanted you to know that... I'm sorry."

She laughed and the sound was bitter.

"Well, everything's better now. So thanks for that."

"Addison..."

"What, Derek? What? What do you need me to say to make this better for you?"

"That's not what this is about," he said, feeling defensive and on edge. "I know that I hurt you and..."

"No, Derek. You... don't... know."

It wasn't rare for Addison to raise her voice, but now she wasn't yelling, and he almost wished she were. Because now she was the same woman who had been in his office the other day. She [i]was[/i] devastated, and she was letting him see it.

"If you think all you did was hurt me, Derek, then really, I have to ask you, have you been living on the same planet as me for the past few years? Because you didn't 'hurt' me. You left me. And not here, not for Meredith. You left me in our marriage all alone. And that did way more than hurt me."

"I've apologized for that."

She put her hands to her eyes and Derek knew she was trying not to cry. When she dropped them again, it was obvious she was going to lose the battle.

"You know what you didn't apologize for? Holding onto me when you didn't want me. Because of everything we have done to each other, I swear to God, that's the thing that hurts the most. Why did you do that?"

His heart pounded in his chest as he saw she was getting more upset, and Derek stepped toward her. She stepped back just as quickly, eluding his attempt to comfort her.

"Addison, you're my wife. We had a marriage, and I felt like I owed it to us to try. I didn't... I didn't stay with you to hurt you. I swear."

She stared at him, her arms wrapping around her waist as if she were chilled.

"I used to think that Meredith made us even," she said. "But the truth is, nothing could ever do that, could it? Because for me to have hurt you as badly as I hurt now, you would still have had to be in love with me when I... when it happened with Mark. But you weren't. That's why you walked out without a word. You didn't want me anymore. I just wish you'd been honest about it... for both our sakes."

When she turned away from him, Derek reached out and grabbed her arms. She tried to pull free, but he wouldn't let her go.

"That is not, true, Addie. That's not what happened."

Her eyes lifted and met his and Derek stared at his wife... and finally... finally he saw how deep a wound he was leaving behind.

"It was never about me not wanting you, Addie. It was never that I didn't love you. I need you to believe that."

She trembled as her right arm lifted and her palm pressed against his cheek. Derek pressed his face into the warmth of her hand.

"But I don't believe it, Derek. I don't."

And then the warmth disappeared, and Addison turned away from him and walked inside.

Commentary?

Contact the author