Who I Am Without You, Part 4 by socalwriter

He knew his reaction was bizarre on some level. Derek was staring daggers at him and Addison looked ready to throw something at his head, but Mark couldn't stop laughing.

"You never learn, do you, Derek? God, you're an idiot."

"Shut up, Mark," Derek snapped. "You have no right to comment on my life or my marriage. I'm pretty sure that entitlement ended when I caught you in bed with my wife."

Addison let out a loud sigh and when he turned to look at her, Mark found the redhead standing with her lunch cradled in her arms.

"You two feel free to use my office for whatever... you're doing here. Perhaps when you're done, you can find me, separately, and tell me what the hell you wanted."

Neither man said a word as she walked out the door, their eyes following her. But as soon as Addison had left, Derek turned on him and Mark felt the neurosurgeon's hand push against his chest.

"What the hell are you doing here?"

"I came to check on a friend," Mark answered.

"I'm not sure you're capable of being anyone's friend."

He knew that he deserved the bitterness and the hate Derek felt for him, and Mark didn't pretend otherwise. Because the truth was, friendship long since dead and buried, Mark felt the same damn way about Derek. If he was the man who had "taken" Addison from Derek, then Derek had done it right back to him. And it made Mark even angrier to see that he'd lost the woman he loved only for her to end up abandoned and alone... again.

"You have a short memory, Derek." Mark could hear that all his earlier amusement had fled him, leaving nothing but a cold edge in his voice. "I was a much better friend to you for far longer than you deserved. I was your friend so long, that I helped you hurt Addison."

Derek's brow furrowed. "How does that work, exactly?"

"It works like this. 'Don't worry, Addison, Derek will remember how much he loves you.' 'Addison, Derek knows how lucky he is to have you.' 'He's just going through a rough patch, Addison, but he'll work it out, and you guys will be okay. It'll all be okay.'"

A grin pulled at Derek's mouth, but Mark could tell there was absolutely no humor in the expression.

"So that was your play, huh? Sympathetic, compassionate friend trying to save our marriage until you finally saw your opening to get her into bed? You're pathetic."

Mark chuckled. "You won't get any arguments from me. Because instead of pointing out to you two dozen times that you were going to lose Addison if you didn't start minding your marriage, what I should've done was chased her from the word go and taken her from you before you had the chance to rip her heart out."

"I've admitted I made mistakes. But it takes two people to kill a marriage, and I didn't force Addison to sleep with you," Derek shot back, but some of the bravado was gone, replaced with hurt, and Mark couldn't deny he was glad to see it.

"And no one forced you to turn tail and run to Seattle instead of fighting for her. No one's making you divorce her now. You're giving Addison up all on your own, Derek, so don't stand there and try to act like you still have a right to act jealous or angry or whatever this is. You've got your... intern... to go chase around. And, frankly, I can't imagine she'd be too pleased about this little scene with you going all territorial over your wife."

"You stay the hell away from Meredith."

Mark couldn't tell if Derek was defensive of his girlfriend or panicked that maybe Mark meant to find her and tell her about their argument or, maybe, a mix of both.

"No worries, Derek. Not my type. Oh, I know I turned on the charm last time, but come on. You think I didn't know you were watching?"

"You're a bastard."

Mark strolled toward the door, a chuckle rumbling in his chest. "Yes, I am. And you, my friend, are still as predictable as ever."

Derek could hear his heart pounding from the build up of nerves and anger in his body, and as he watched Mark finally leave the room, his adrenaline sent him pacing back and forth across Addison's office.

What the hell had that been? It was natural, he supposed, that he'd react negatively to seeing Mark. It didn't matter that his marriage was over or that, ultimately, it hadn't ended because of Addison's affair with Mark. The betrayal of his trust and friendship wasn't something Derek was sure he'd ever get over.

But he hadn't been upset just to see Mark. He'd walked in to ask Addison about scheduling Harley's c-section, seen Mark there, seen the way Mark was looking [i]at[/i] Addison, and something in Derek had snapped.

Somewhere inside of him, the sight of Mark with Addison was still Mark with his wife.

It was just old jealousy rearing its head, he told himself. A habit born of nearly 20 years of being part of "Derek and Addison" that it was going to take more than a few weeks to let go of.

That was all it was. Nothing to get upset about. Nothing to overreact to.

He repeated the declaration of nothingness over and over in his head, silently, until he had convinced himself, and then Derek left his wife's office and went back to his workday.

*****

There was no doubt that Addison Shepherd was desperately curious about the answers to two questions. What had possessed Mark to come back to Seattle? And where the hell did Derek get off being pissed in the least that she was sitting in her office talking to Mark?

Getting both answers were on her "to do" list for today, but her grumbling stomach and swimming head had forced Addison to grab her food and bolt from her office before she had both Derek and Mark freaking out when she fainted from low blood sugar and surging hormones.

An empty on call room had provided her a quiet place to hide, and despite her earlier nausea, Addison found her appetite was keen this afternoon. She had managed to eat her whole sandwich and now, as she munched on her chocolate chip cookies and sipped at her milk, Addison felt her mind start trying to sort out the bizarre scene in her office.

[i]"I came to find out how this story ends. And I'm not leaving until I do."[/i]

The way Mark had said it, his declaration had almost sounded like a threat. Expect his voice had gone all soft and gravely in that insanely maddening way it got when he was being honest and vulnerable. Addison remembered being rendered powerless by that voice on more than one occasion when his plain, simple truths had beaten back her guilt and their affair had continued on.

She could only assume "this story" was their story, but as far as Addison was concerned, that was long since over. There was still a connection there, still feelings, but they had begun so badly, she just didn't see how you could make any kind of future together based on their past. And that was if and when she was ever ready to try to have a future with anyone. Because the plain, simple truth of Addison's life was that she was still in love with the man she was divorcing.

And he was the father of the child she was carrying.

"Addie, you have turned into your own soap opera."

She shook her head at herself and took another bite of cookie. The baby liked cookies. Which was good since she adored them. In fact, she was just finishing off cookie number two when the door to the on call room opened. Addison bolted up, nearly hitting her head on the top bunk, worried her hiding place had been discovered. But then she saw Preston Burke's smiling face and relaxed.

"Addison, why did you just look like you were scared the boogeyman was walking in the door?"

She chuckled as he made his way in and sat in the chair in the corner of the room.

"I left my almost ex-husband and my former lover in my office having some sort of manly-man ego match not too long ago, and I was afraid I'd been tracked down."

Preston nodded. "Sloan's back in town?"

"Apparently," she confirmed. "Though I'm not clear on why."

"Well," the handsome surgeon said, laughing, "I'd think the why is fairly obvious, and is closely related to a tall, gorgeous and brilliant redhead who works here at the hospital."

Addison groaned and fell over onto the pillow, which made Preston laugh again.

"Not ready for the complication yet, huh?"

"Not even close." Addison sat up and sighed. "I still wake up some days and have to remind myself of why I don't have my wedding rings. I'm hardly ready to take on anything else, let alone Mark's enormous ego."

"I wish I could think of something great to say, but... the only thing I can think of is the clichéd, 'it just takes time.'"

Addison smiled, grateful to her friend for the attempted comfort. "Some clichés are clichés because they're true."

She was almost scared to look down when their conversation was interrupted by her pager going off, but when Addison saw the code was for the chief's office, she relaxed. No doubt Richard wanted to pester her more about the fund-raiser Friday night. She began to gather up her trash, but stopped when Preston's right hand came down gently on top of hers.

"Just so you know, there are... a lot of people... who think Derek is making the biggest mistake of his life."

His words were kind and wonderful, and Addison hadn't realized until she'd heard them how much she had needed to hear them said. She turned her palm over in his and squeezed his hand.

"That... was a great something to say. Thank you."

His smile flashed wide, and Burke stood in his gentlemanly way as she rose up off the bunk.

"I try, ma'am."

Addison left Preston to the nap he'd come to the on call room to take and headed for Richard's office. When he looked at her as if he'd been expecting her to be upset or angry, she realized that he had really paged her because he knew Mark was here, and he wanted to see how she was coping.

"Did you ask him to come?"

"Of course I didn't. But I had to take the meeting, Addie. You know that."

She nodded. She did know. Seattle Grace was a fantastic hospital, but it was still struggling to overtake a few of its West Coast rivals for the position of top dog. While first Derek and then she had certainly boosted their stock, landing a surgeon of Mark's caliber wasn't something you passed up easily, even if your head of neurosurgery hated his guts and your head of neonatology might have a nervous breakdown over having her ex-lover walking the hallways.

"So he is planning on staying then, in Seattle?"

Richard shrugged. "So he says. He insists that he'll take offers from other hospitals if I don't hire him."

"Do you want to hire him?" she asked, already knowing the answer, but still needing a little time before Richard asked her the question she knew was inevitable.

"I've seen his work, Addie, read through several of his journal articles. Then man is very talented, and he's just cocky enough to think he can sell the L.A. market on his skills and get them coming north. A lot of interesting reconstruction work is being done other places that could just as easily be happening here."

"True enough," she replied, "and you don't have to sell me on Mark's skills. I've seen his work firsthand. He's incredible."

"But?" Richard crossed his arms in front of his body and waited for a response.

"But... are you prepared to put up with Ugly Derek... because you hate Ugly Derek, and he's going to be showing up a lot if he has to deal with Mark."

"I sign Ugly Derek's paychecks, so he'll suck it up and deal or he can pound sand."

Addison laughed. Richard was full of crap. He'd never let Derek leave now that he'd finally gotten him to SGH. But he knew he it was going to take work to get his prized neurosurgeon to accept reality and deal with Mark professionally.

"Will you be okay if I hire him, Addie?"

And there it was, her chance to torpedo Mark here and now, because as much as Richard wanted to stand at a podium with his latest star surgeon, right now, he was still in protective substitute father mode. It was why he'd helped Bailey try to keep Meredith and Derek apart at work, why she knew he was still filtering Dr. Grey away from her cases except during rounds.

"You know, if you had asked Derek how he felt about you hiring me, I'd have never come to work here."

Richard grinned slyly. "Which is why I didn't ask him."

Addison smiled at her old mentor and then put her hand on his arm. "I can deal with Mark Sloan. Sign your new monster ego, and I'll figure out how to set my boundaries with him. You, however, get to handle Ugly Derek all on your own."

Richard laughed as he clapped his hands together. "You got it. By the way, how is your speech coming for Friday?"

She rolled her eyes, not surprised that the chief had managed to get back to the subject he'd been harping on for two weeks.

"It's fine, I promise. I will be dazzling."

"Well, that was never in doubt."

*****

He was determined to find Addison and talk to her more, but Mark was momentarily content to wander SGH and get another look at what he hoped would be his new workplace. The facilities were world class, and he knew that as a doctor he could be happy here provided he was able to exert his independence in the Craniofacial center. The question was whether or not his personal happiness could thrive in Seattle, and he knew it was likely he would go without an answer to that for some time.

It wouldn't have surprised him to come back and find Derek and Addison at odds, but to find them separated and in the process of divorcing was a shock. She had been so determined to work it out, and the way she'd mentioned the papers had left little doubt that the end of the marriage was not her doing. Mark was truly stunned, not that Derek was foolish enough to throw Addison away again, but that it had happened so quickly.

At least, he was stunned until he walked past the atrium and saw Derek and Meredith standing close together, their hands entwined, neither caring who saw them.

Mark's heart ached for Addison as he imagined her walking up on scenes like this time and time again. He didn't know how she was managing because, as he'd admitted to himself before coming here, he knew she still loved Derek. Mark knew what it would've done to him to see Addison so close to Derek, so intimate in public, and he didn't have more than a decade of marriage invested in their relationship.

More than ever, he was sure coming here was the right thing. Because even if Addison wasn't ready to move on, she needed someone she could lean on, someone who was, without question, 100% on her side. And he was just that person.

After completing his impromptu tour, Mark headed back to Addison's office. He was surprised to find it locked. He headed for the main desk of the surgical wing and sighed when he saw Meredith standing there.

"Dr. Grey. It's nice to see you again."

Her eyes shot toward him, and Mark knew instantly that Derek hadn't mentioned his arrival... or the heated reaction he'd had to seeing Mark talking to Addison.

"Mark... what are you doing here?"

He shrugged. "Taking care of some business. And how have you been?"

"Oh, um, good. I've been good."

"Good."

She looked down at the chart she'd been working on when he arrived, but Meredith's eyes continued to flicker back toward him as Mark waited for the receptionist's phone call to end.

"Are you... um, are you here to see Addison?"

Her voice was hesitant... and a little hopeful. So Derek's girlfriend wanted him in Seattle to distract Addison? The little factoid intrigued him, but he filed it away for later and kept his game face in play for now.

"I'm here to see a lot of people."

Meredith nodded and then quickly closed the chart. After passing it back to the nurse on duty, she delivered a mumbled good-bye and then rushed off down the hallway. Mark watched her go, then turned back to the receptionist, who was finally off the phone for more than two seconds.

"Excuse me. I'm looking for Addison Shepherd."

"She's already signed out for the day. Would you like to leave a message?"

Mark didn't want to wait another day to talk to Addison, but he realized only now that other than the hospital, he had no idea where to find her. The address he had was only for the P.O. Box the Shepherds had used.

"No on the message," he said finally, smiling at the nurse. "But tell me, could you direct me to human resources?"

*****

[i]"Please tell me you're not going to get involved with him again.[/i]

The sound of Derek's voice played over and over in Addison's head as she drove home, livid at having had yet another aggravating encounter with him. She had only gone to find him because she was worried his earlier visit had been about Harley. But when she'd gone to his office, she hadn't been able to get a word out before his accusatory tone managed to set her nerves on edge.

[i]"Derek, I did not come here to talk to you about Mark. Why did you come by earlier?"

"It was nothing important," he said, his eyes dropped, his demeanor telling her that whether it had been important or not, now everything was secondary to his anger.

"Do not act like I asked Mark to come here," she spat out, her own frustration showing in her voice. "I was stunned to see him."

"Well, the sooner he leaves, the better for all of us."

Addison's hands went to her hips and she stared at Derek incredulously.

"What the hell do you care why he's here?"

"Because he's... he's a despicable bastard, and if his being here has anything to do with you, you're just going to get hurt."

"Well, you should know," she said, her words coming before she could think too much about what she was saying. "You have master's degree in how to hurt me."[/i]

She had left him with his mouth hanging open and with truly no response for her verbal slam, and though now, in retrospect, Addison felt a touch guilty for it, at the time, she hadn't been able to help herself. What right did Derek have to comment on anything about her life when she had to see him every day... [i]every day...[/i] mooning over Meredith Grey like a lovesick teenager?

Not that she had any romantic notions about Mark. Far from it. But if she did, Derek Shepherd could take a flying leap if he thought he got to be pissed off or upset by anything she did in her personal life anymore.

"To hell with you, Derek Shepherd!"

She yelled the words out loudly in her car, hoping it would help purge her lingering anger. Then Addison stopped at her new favorite market for a few ingredients for dinner and then headed home.

She nearly crashed into her garage door when she saw Mark sitting on the front steps of her house waiting for her.

"What... how did you know where I live?" she asked as Mark walked toward her while she climbed from the car.

"The blonde in human resources... you might want to talk to the chief about her, because if you flirt with her enough, she'll tell you anything."

Addison couldn't help but laugh. It was so not surprising that Mark could charm information out of a perfect stranger, even something as confidential as her address. His powers of persuasion were legendary on the Eastern seaboard.

"Fine, then carry the groceries."

He laughed as she walked past him and towards the front door of the house, leaving the car door ajar for him to get the bag out. A few moments later, Mark followed her into the kitchen.

"This is really your house?" he asked as he sat the groceries down on the counter.

"Yes," she replied, eyebrow raised. "Why?"

"Nothing, it just... it's kind of a lot of house for just you, isn't it?"

Addison shrugged and started to pull out the vegetables she'd bought to make a quick stir-fry for dinner.

"I needed a house, and I fell in love with this one. So I just bought it."

Mark looked around the kitchen, then wandered out toward the living room before returning to his prior spot. "It's a great house. It's just big, that's all."

After retrieving the cutting board and a colander, Addison began rinsing her veggies.

"Look, Mark, I don't want to be rude or anything, but I'm tired and I'm starving, so I'm going to stand here and work on this dinner. It takes 30 minutes start to finish to make, so you can feel free to use that time to explain to me what you're doing here. But I'm warning you now, I've had about all the testosterone flinging I can handle for one day."

He laughed and she eyed him intently as if to reinforce her warning. Mark sighed and crooked his head in that way that made him look like a mischievous 12-year-old boy.

"I didn't know," he said, his voice soft and low. "About the divorce."

She nodded. "I know. And I didn't mean to tell you so bluntly, it just... came up."

"I'm sorry."

She looked up from the vegetables she'd begun to chop and rolled her eyes at him again, and this time he put up his hands as if to defend himself.

"Really, I'm sorry. Because I know you're hurting, and I hate that. And no, I'm not gonna lie and say I'm sorry it's over. You deserve better than him, Addison."

"Let me guess, like you?"

"Well, there's no doubt I'm better period than Derek, at everything," he replied. "But I'm not stupid. I can see that you're... grieving."

Addison dumped the pepper she'd been cutting up into a glass bowl and moved on to her mushrooms. She didn't want to discuss Derek with Mark, so she changed the subject.

"So you came here and talked to Richard about a job all while under the impression that I was still trying to make my marriage work. Am I supposed to be blown away by the romantic gesture implied in that?"

Mark sighed and sat down on one of the bar stools that stood on the side of the second kitchen counter. "Yes, I came here and talked to Richard about a job all while under the impression that you were trying to make a marriage work that I knew was doomed to disaster. And I'm not saying that to be mean or make you angry, Addison, it's just the truth."

She nodded, biting down the hurt his honesty had inflicted because she could tell he wasn't trying to be malicious. He just wanted her to know what he was thinking.

"I'm not gonna make any declarations here. I knew it was gonna take time and patience to win you back, and frankly Derek probably hasn't helped that by hurting you again. So just... just tell me that it's okay for me to be here. Because I don't want to go back to New York, Addison. Not alone."

Placing the knife aside, Addison leaned against the counter with her hands as she considered Mark's words. Then she brought her eyes up to find him staring at her intently, patiently waiting.

"I'm nowhere, Mark. Do you get that? I'm barely ready to accept that my marriage is over. I'm not ready to move on, I don't know when I will be, and I am not at all sure that when I am, it can be with someone who was so much a part of me and Derek and everything that happened."

Mark stood and walked toward her. She nearly took a step back as the energy of his presence made her physically uncomfortable, not because she felt threatened but because he was Mark and his talent for overwhelming her was clearly still very much alive. But he stopped short of crowding her. Then he shrugged off his jacket and tossed it back toward the bar stool.

"We're friends, Addison. We always were. So why don't we start with you letting me help you with dinner? That seems safe enough, doesn't it?"

"Okay, dinner," she replied. "Grab the chicken out of the fridge."

He smiled and Addison took a deep breath, telling herself to just relax. Mark was right. They were friends. They had been friends for years. And if she needed anything right now, it was friends. And it was just dinner.

And then "just dinner" turned upside down as the smell of the chicken sent Addison racing from the kitchen for the bathroom. She could hear Mark calling out to her through the closed door as her stomach emptied out in response to the offending odor, but she couldn't begin to respond as her body worked its way through the horrible bout of nausea.

Finally the heaving stopped, and Addison sank down on the floor, her back to the wall. So much for the good efforts she'd made to eat today, she thought, as she glanced down at her stomach and mentally begged her body and the baby to cooperate so she could pull herself together and go make up some kind of plausible excuse for Mark.

He knocked at the door as she made it to her feet.

"Addison, are you okay?"

"Yeah, I, uh... I think the milk I had at lunch today must have been bad. I'll, uh... I'll be out in a minute."

She heard him walk away, and Addison set about brushing her teeth and washing her face. Though she still felt a little shaky, she finally exited the bathroom and headed back to the kitchen, where she gratefully found that Mark had already tossed the chicken into the wok, cooking it. He had also opened the patio doors to air out the room.

"Sorry about that."

He scrutinized her, and she hoped that he wouldn't notice how unsteady she was on her own legs. As bad as the morning sickness was in the morning, she was always in worse shape if she got sick later in the day. But Addison suspected he'd not only noticed but was obviously concerned when he went and grabbed one of the stools and brought it around for her.

"Why don't you sit down and I'll finish?"

"So you're cooking me dinner now, huh?"

Mark laughed and tossed the vegetables in with the chicken. "Lucky you were making something I actually know how to cook."

They sat in silence as he finished the dish quickly and then Addison directed him to the plates and utensils for dinner. Once he'd gotten them both some water to drink, he joined her at the counter, sitting in the stool opposite her.

"So, Addison?"

She looked up at him and again found those piercing eyes studying her.

"Are you ready to tell me about the baby now?"

Her fork dropped against the plate.

"Mark..."

"I was looking around the kitchen while you were in the bathroom. I saw the prenatal vitamins by your teapot."

Addison dropped her head in her hands as tears burned at her eyes.

"You can't tell him. Please, Mark, you can't."

She heard his chair move and then he was beside her, his left hand moving in gentle circles against her back.

"So he doesn't know?"

She shook her head. "He asked for a divorce before I could tell him, and now I want the divorce to be final before he knows."

"Hey, look at me."

His right hand moved beneath her chin and lifted until her eyes met his again.

"If you had told him, he'd have never left you."

Addison closed her eyes as new tears threatened to fall.

"I can't be that woman, Mark. I love him and I want him... but not like that."

Mark's arms came around her, and she leaned into him, needing the comfort he was offering. Once she felt like herself again, she pulled back from his embrace, and Mark returned to his seat, though he reached out quickly to take hold of her right hand.

"You know I would never tell him if you don't want me to."

She nodded. Right now, Addison had no choice but to believe him.

"Is that the only reason you're putting it off? You being worried he'd try to stay just because you're pregnant?"

"What... what do you mean? Why else would I not tell him? I mean, I'm not going to try and keep him away from his child if that's what you're..."

Addison could feel herself getting upset again, this time in a defensive and angry stance. But Mark quickly reassured her she was on the wrong track with his question. Still, his real meaning exposed another scary and painful truth altogether.

"I know you wouldn't do that, Addison. You're not that woman either. No, I meant... are you worried about how he'll react?"

God, was she worried. The truth was, she'd imagined telling him a dozen times at least, and every time, she saw a different outcome. But the first imaginary reaction she'd seen on Derek's face was the one that plagued her.

"I keep telling myself that he's still Derek--still the man who used to love me--and that he'd never turn his back on his child. But... Mark, what if he doesn't want her because she's... she's mine... and not Meredith's?"

His hand tightened around hers and Addison felt Mark become a lifeline for her in that moment.

"Then he won't deserve her either. And you and she will be just fine without him."

Addison looked up at him through the stinging moisture in her eyes and smiled.

"You sure you don't want to take the red eye back to New York? A pregnant, hormonal basket case who can't offer you more than friendship--that's hardly what you came here looking for."

He smiled then and released her hand, turning back to his dinner.

"Baby Girl Shepherd is hungry. You better feed her before she makes you sick again."

Hours earlier, the thought that Mark was in town had left Addison shaken. Now as she did as she was told and turned her attention to her dinner, Addison found herself grateful not only that he was there, but that she could sense he wasn't going anywhere anytime soon.

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