The room started to spin and Addison took a step backwards and leaned against the wall for support as Yang continued with her presentation on Melissa Hardin, age 27, 32 weeks pregnant.

[i]"You really think you can hide this for three more months?"[/i]

Sometimes she hated Miranda's ability to always be right. Though at just nine weeks pregnant, morning sickness and not her changing body was proving to be the toughest obstacle to Addison's efforts at hiding her condition.

"Slip and fall this morning," Yang stated. "Ultrasound reveals a partial placental abruption with only minimal bleeding. Patient reports a decrease in fetal movement."

Addison drew her breath in slowly, hoping to control the nausea that was trying to drop her cold.

"Treatment?" she asked.

"Since there's no serious bleeding," Meredith offered, "we should monitor the fetal heart rate and maternal blood pressure levels while keeping the patient on bed rest."

Nodding, Addison turned her attention to the clearly concerned expectant mother. "Mrs. Hardin, we'll keep a close eye on you for the next 48 hours. I know this is scary, but honestly, you're doing very well and at this point, there's no reason to think you or your baby are in any serious danger."

"Th-thank you, Dr. Shepherd."

The woman's nervous smile drew a slight one from Addison as well. She put her hand on her patient's arm.

"Is your husband on his way?"

Melissa shook her head. "Can you believe he's on a plane to Kansas City right now? He doesn't even know about this. God, I wish he was here."

Pregnant, scared and alone--Addison could sympathize with that very well.

"Is there anyone else we can call for you?"

The woman sighed. "I'll be fine, really. I'm sure Jack will come home as soon as he lands and gets my message."

Addison squeezed Melissa's hand. "Well, in the meantime, if you need anything, just have someone page me, all right? Dr. Stevens, you'll handle the monitoring?"

Izzie nodded and lingered behind as the group headed out into the hallway. Addison had barely made it four steps when another wave of nausea hit. Thankfully Miranda had seen what a hard time she was having today and was already pulling the interns toward Preston for a cardiac workup on one of his patients.

"Go try to eat something," Miranda whispered in her ear. "I'll page you if we need you."

Addison nodded and headed for her office. She immediately eased into her chair and sat down, leaning back and closing her eyes.

"Sweetie, I know mommy being this sick is actually a good thing, but really, before rounds, after rounds... just not during rounds, okay?"

A few minutes of sitting quietly stilled Addison's rolling stomach enough for her to turn around in the chair. Moving slowly, she poured some fresh ginger root tea out of her electric teapot and into a cup and sipped at the warm liquid. She then reached into her desk and pulled out one of the new packs of crackers she had restocked the day before.

"Here goes nothing."

She got five crackers down and managed half a cup of tea. For Addison, as of late, that was a feast. She glanced at the clock and saw she had nearly two hours before her surgery. After setting the alarm on her desk clock, Addison moved to the couch and laid down for a 30-minute power nap.

She was just drifting off when a soft knock sounded at her door. Before she could get up and right herself, the door opened and Derek stepped in, a file in his hands.

"Addison, I..."

Moving quickly, Addison sat up and let her feet rest on the floor. She ran her hand through her hair and prayed her sudden movement wouldn't set off another bout of nausea.

"Yeah, what is it?"

"Are you okay?"

Her eyes flickered toward him and she noted the concern on his face.

"I'm fine. Did you need something?"

Derek moved closer, kneeling down at the edge of the couch.

"Addie, seriously, are you okay? You look... tired."

She forced an annoyed smile onto her face. But she wasn't really upset. She was nervous. He was too damn close, and she wanted him gone.

"Gee, thanks, Derek. But in case you've forgotten, we're almost not married anymore. So you can save the concern. And not that I owe you any explanation, but I've been moving into my house all week, and I'm tired, okay? Now what did you want?"

He gave her the look. It made her want to hit him. It also gave her the perfect excuse to stand and walk back to her desk.

"Derek, I am doing my very best here. Please, if you need something for work, ask me. If it's not about work, then go away and let me get used to life the way it is now. Please!"

She kept her back to him as she leaned against the desk. Addison was exhausted, and getting flustered by the father of the baby causing her exhaustion was not helping her situation at all. Finally she heard him clear his throat and she turned to find him standing up, the file he'd brought in extended toward her.

"I need a consult. New patient. She's 30 weeks pregnant. She also has a tumor on her occipital lobe. Her blurred and decreased vision were misdiagnosed in her first trimester."

Addison took the file and opened it, hoping she wasn't showing any undue anxiety that Derek might pick up on, though she wasn't at all sure why she thought he was paying enough attention to notice anything different about her. Still, since her own pregnancy had begun, it was impossible to ignore the increased emotional impact treating her patients was having on her. She had always taken the failures hard. But now, any bad turn on a case reminded her of the secret she was keeping tucking away inside of her.

"The baby's lung development is slow," Addison said as she read through the chart. "You admitted the mother?"

"Yes," Derek confirmed. "She's willing to have a c-section so I can remove the tumor and treat her, but not until she gets your okay that it's safe for the baby. She did her research on SGH before she came in, and she only wants you."

"Okay."

Addison sat down behind her desk and started to read through the file. She spoke without looking up at him again.

"I have surgery soon, then I'll go down and see her. Room number?"

"3728."

"I'll page you when I'm done."

She heard him walk toward the door and Addison prayed that he'd make his exit quickly so she could stop feeling the nervous energy that surged anytime he came too close to her these days.

"Addison."

The sound of her name told her he wasn't going until she gave him her attention, so Addison looked up and found Derek staring at her.

"I know that I hurt you, and I don't expect you to want anything to do with me right now. But you don't disappear from my life because we're getting divorced. I don't stop caring because we sign some papers. So when I think you aren't feeling well, I get to be concerned, and you're just gonna have to live with that."

He walked out then, closing the door behind him. Addison leaned back in her chair, eyes closed and let out a sigh of frustration.

Why the hell couldn't he just be awful? Why couldn't he just do something hateful so she could wish him ill and not give a damn if he cared about her or not? No, he had to keep being worried about her and her feelings. And every time she'd refused to talk to him over the three weeks since she had moved out of the trailer, Derek had gone to Miranda or Richard, taking on their anger with him, in order to find out if she was "all right."

"Just let me get over you, Derek, please. Please stop making this so hard."

Addison opened her eyes and looked at the clock. Her surgery was getting closer, and if she didn't get some protein into her body soon, she was risking being off her game. Sighing, she turned off the alarm she had set earlier, then stood to head down to the cafeteria in search of something her stomach could tolerate.

Four hours later, after successfully placing a prenatal shunt to help alleviate the urine blockage Diane Reynolds' unborn son had been enduring, Addison sighed with relief at having the procedure successfully behind her. Now she just needed to touch base with Stevens on the Hardin case and then, just one more patient to see--Derek's patient--and then Addison could go home and call it a day.

She washed her hands and reminded herself not to go looking for the rings that would have been, in past days, safety pinned to her scrubs. The years of habit had left Addison momentarily panicked the first few times, post-surgery, when she had reached up and the rings hadn't been there. Then she'd had to remind herself that she no longer owned the rings.

As she'd predicted, Derek had tried to give them back to her at least three times already. But she had refused every time.

Eventually, once she told him about the baby, Addison planned to tell him to put them away for their son or daughter, in case he or she wanted them someday. Maybe the rings could mean something to their child now that the meaning between them was gone.

"You packing it in?" Miranda asked as she joined Addison at the sink.

"I need to change, check in with Stevens and then I have to do a consult for Derek. [i]Then[/i] I am packing it in."

Her friend nodded. "Tucker has already decided, by the way, that we're coming over on Saturday to move any furniture you want moved or to put together anything that is heavy and needs putting together. So no more unpacking tonight, all right? You go home and rest."

"You know, Dr. Bailey, I do technically outrank you. You don't get to give me orders."

The scoff Miranda let out at that declaration was so loud, Addison wondered if passersby could hear it.

"Uh-huh, you just keep right on telling yourself that if it makes you feel better, Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd." The resident lowered her voice and leaned closer. "Just remember, I am not above admitting you and putting you on bed rest if I have to, stubborn."

Addison stuck her tongue out at her friend, then beat a hasty retreat to the locker room. Though she was worn out, especially after the surgery, she was eager to go and meet Derek's new patient. The diagnosis she was facing would have been terrifying on its own, but to be pregnant on top of it was almost too much. Thankfully, Addison had hopeful news to deliver after studying the file.

Back in her street clothes, the redhead got an update on Melissa Hardin and then made her way to the third floor. She stopped and sighed when Derek came into view, his body leaned up against the wall slightly down from Harley Salton's room. He was clearly laughing about something. And he was talking to Meredith.

Seeing them together wasn't new, it just felt different now. Like now Derek was Meredith's and Addison was supposed to just... not notice. But she did. She noticed all the time. Mostly, she saw how easy it seemed to be for them to move on.

She wondered what either would say if they knew it was her who had helped make it easy. Both Miranda and Richard had made it a point to keep Meredith as far as away from Derek as possible at work for nearly two full weeks. They had refused to let the intern work with him on any case, no matter how angry Derek had gotten. But Addison had asked both of her friends to stop the punishment. The sooner they all learned to deal with the reality of Derek Shepherd, his ex-wife and his girlfriend all working together, the better for everyone.

'Ex-wife.' God, she hated that term.

Addison ducked into her new patient's room and strode confidently up to Harley Salton. A blond man rose from the chair beside the bed and extended his hand. Addison took it, shaking it firmly.

"I'm Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd. I assume Dr. Shepherd told you I'd be by."

"He did," the man replied. "I'm Joseph Salton. This is my wife Harley.

The woman smiled nervously and reached up a hand to twist her long, dark brown ponytail. She looked younger than the 37 years indicated on her chart. She also looked terrified.

"Thank you for coming. I... this hasn't been the easiest of days. I appreciate... "

Addison placed her hand on Harley's shoulder. "I can only imagine. But I want you to know that you're in extremely good hands. Dr. Shepherd is the very best, and he's going to do everything he can for you."

The brunette smiled more sincerely this time. "He said the same thing about you."

She began recapping the information in Harley's file, but part of Addison's mind was focused on the odd sensation of having someone repeat information to her about Derek as if he were a stranger to her. But despite her personal distraction, 'Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd' continued to aid her patient.

"I'll do an ultrasound in the morning. If everything I see backs up the information in your chart, then we'll administer a dose of glucocorticoids. Basically, that's a mix of steroids to help the baby's lungs mature. Then we'll check and see how he's doing. If he needs another push, we can do a second dose, and then we'll perform the c-section."

"But if his lungs still aren't... " Harley stopped and took a deep breath. "What happens if he's still in trouble after he's born?"

"Then we will treat him in the NICU with oxygen and I.V. fluids, and more aggressively if need be."

Addison looked over at Joseph Salton and saw how intently he was watching his wife to see how she was handling the medical information. Then Harley looked at her husband and squeezed his hand before asking her next question.

"Do you think his chances will be good?"

Addison nodded. "I think he has a very good chance. And this way, not just to live, but to have his mother with him for a very long time."

Tears broke over the brim of Mrs. Salton's eyes. "Okay, then. Okay."

"Okay," Addison repeated. "Then I'll see you in the morning, we'll get that ultrasound done and then we'll go from there."

After bidding her new patient good night, one very tired Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd made her way to the main surgical desk. Noting that Derek had already signed out, she went back to her office and left him a voicemail about how she was going to proceed with Harley Salton. And then finally, Addison packed up her things and made her way home.

The house was still, quiet. But it was a temporary state. She reminded herself of that every day. In less than seven months, her baby would fill the house with sound, with life, with warmth.

Addison was still smiling at the image that thought put in her head when she noticed the blinking light on her phone. She pushed the button and played back the single message.

"Go to bed! See, I can give you orders anytime I want to."

Miranda's short but very clear message sent Addison into a fit of laughter. And what had been a very long, mostly hard day ended on a good note because while she might not have a husband anymore, she still had a career she loved and a good friend.

She had her baby to dream about.

She had gotten through another day.

*****

Derek leaned his head back against the arm of Meredith's living room sofa as he waited for the prompt to enter his voicemail access code. After the beep, he entered the 6-digit number.

"Hey, it's me. I met with Harley Salton today. I think, based on her chart info, that she'd make a good candidate for steroid treatment, but I want to do a confirmation ultrasound in the morning. I'll page you once I'm done. I'll talk to you then."

Addison sounded so tired, and Derek felt a pang of guilt when he heard the time stamp on the message. He hoped she was home now getting some much deserved rest.

"You didn't get called in, did you?"

Meredith strolled in and plopped down on the opposite end of the couch, a bowl of popcorn in hand.

"No, no. Just called in to check on a consult I asked for."

"And how is Addison?"

The tone of her voice set Derek on edge as he sat up and looked over at her.

"I was checking my voicemail for a message from a colleague, Meredith."

She started to say something, then stopped herself.

"What? Let's not do this, okay?" Derek moved closer to her. "If you want to say something, say it."

"I guess I just... know how she felt. Before. When she'd see us talking."

"It's not as if Addison wants to spend much time talking to me, so I doubt you'll have to worry about it much."

Meredith sighed. "I saw the way you whipped around when she was behind you today... in the hall, when we were talking."

Now he was baffled... and to be honest, more than a little annoyed.

"You're upset because I looked at Addison today?"

"I'm not upset," she insisted. "I'm just saying, maybe now I understand how it must have made her feel to see us still all... whatever... even after you chose her."

Derek leaned and let out an audible groan. "You're kidding me, right? Because I left her. I asked her for a divorce, she's giving me one, and my marriage is over. And [i]we're[/i] together. But if you thought that meant that Addison was gone from my life, then you were wrong. That's just... not going to happen."

Now her eyebrows raised, and then Meredith stood and stared down at him.

"I was thinking that tomorrow, we should stay out at the trailer. We can take Doc for a nice walk in the morning around the lake."

"I..." Derek paused, slightly confused by the abrupt change of topic. "I think I'd rather stay here. We might move pretty quickly on Harley Salton's surgery if everything goes according to plan."

"Huh."

She just kept staring at him, and Derek felt uncomfortable... very uncomfortable.

"What does 'huh' mean?"

"Nothing... except you do realize we haven't spent one night at the trailer yet, right?"

He shrugged. "It's just been easier this way."

Meredith rolled her eyes and headed back toward the kitchen.

"Yeah, Derek... I'm sure that's all there is to it."

*****

The city at night had always been one of his favorite things. It was part of why, once he'd decided what kind of doctor he wanted to be, he had busted his ass twice as hard to get where he was. He wanted to own this--this view, the skyline, the city.

Mark Sloan had become exactly who he wanted to be. He was respected, in demand--when he'd turned in his resignation, five of the best hospitals in the country had called him within the hour to see what his next move was. But his plans were private.

After downing the final bit of scotch in his glass, the plastic surgeon left the living room window, his good-bye complete. He washed his glass, took the last bit of newspaper he'd left out on the counter, and then wrapped it up and put it in the one unsealed box in the kitchen.

One last check told him he'd finished everything he'd needed to before leaving. So Mark pulled out his cell phone and dialed a number he had called nearly 20 times a day for years now.

"Sheri, it's me. I'm about to get a cab. The penthouse keys are in your desk and the lease for Dr. Wilkes is here on the counter. I appreciate you handling all that. And you tell him he better treat you right, or I'll fly back here and deck him, okay? Take care."

Ninety minutes later, Mark Sloan sat in his first class seat flying one way to Seattle. He leaned back, iPod streaming an eclectic mix of music into his ears, and contemplated ordering a scotch to give him back the slightly intoxicated relaxation the cab ride and the wait at the airport had taken away.

"Moments in Love" by the Art of Noise began to filter into his ears. He needed a drink more than ever.

Her favorite song. He'd never even heard it until Addison had played it for him one night during a dinner party at the Shepherds' while Derek was caught up in conversation with the chief of staff and his wife.

[i]"This movement right here, it is without a doubt the sexiest piece of music I've ever heard."[/i]

Mark flagged the flight attendant down. He couldn't get the scotch in him fast enough.

She was in his head now. She always crept in when he let his mind get too quiet. And no matter what else he tried to focus on, the memories always led him back to one specific moment in time.

The first time.

She'd come to his perfect apartment with the view of the city and the skyline to cry because Derek had backed out on a promise to go away for the weekend and talk. Mark wanted to say something to help, but he'd been saying helpful things for nearly a year and Derek always made a liar out of him.

Addison stood by the wall of windows that Mark had worked so hard to afford and her shoulders shook with tears for Derek once again... and Mark had gone to hold her.

He'd done it a hundred times at least--held his best friend's wife, ignoring the need he felt every time he touched her, denying the anger he felt at Derek for making the finest woman he knew feel invisible.

He wrapped his arms around her and Addison leaned back against his chest.

"I'm sorry, Addison. I'm so sorry."

She turned and put her cheek on his shoulder and he felt the moisture burn through to his skin. Then she looked up at him. The loneliness in her eyes sent literal pain through his chest.

He just wanted to make it go away. He knew he could make it go away.

The kiss was his idea. He moved in and claimed her lips and Addison, after a beat of hesitation, responded. That small acquiescence had changed their lives forever.

Her hands pushing against his chest made Mark stop and step back. And he saw it there in her eyes. 'I can't do this. I can't do this to my husband, my marriage.' He saw those thoughts racing through her mind. But he also saw her desire for him. And because he was Mark Sloan and he always got what he wanted, he decided then and there he was done being Derek Shepherd's best friend.

He wanted Addison, and he was going to have her. He knew it made him a selfish bastard. Not because of what it would do to Derek, but because of what it would do to her. But he didn't care in that moment that eventually her whole world come crashing down around her. He wanted Addison.

And he took her. His kisses that night had left her barely able to breathe let alone try to mount an argument for why they should never have ended up in his bed. Mark had taken years of technique and practice and unleashed it on Addison, and her internal moral debate had been no match for him.

When she'd screamed his name, Mark knew he would never be able to let her go.

What followed was months of sneaking around and, for her, guilt, and for him, a growing realization that he was falling deeper and deeper in love with her every day. And then Derek had come home and caught them. Addison had never asked him if he'd left the jacket in the hallway on purpose. The truth was, he didn't know. He only knew that when Derek had turned around and walked out without so much as an attempt to fight for his wife, Mark had been certain the war was over. Addison was his.

Only she wasn't. Because she had gone to Seattle and Derek had decided not to sign the divorce papers and Addison had stayed to fight for him. Mark had tried to let her go. Wasn't that the clichéd "right" thing to do, let go of what you love and see if it comes back to you? But she hadn't come back. And Mark couldn't let her go. So he'd gone to Seattle to bring her home.

She had chosen her husband. Again. And he had gone home to New York to figure out what the hell came next. Now he had made up his mind. He was going back to fight for the one thing his perfect life in New York had been missing except for one brief moment when she had been his.

He knew she wouldn't make it easy. Addison did still love Derek. He'd seen it in her eyes. And maybe he'd been mean to say what he had, or just plain jealous. Maybe Derek did still love her. But it didn't matter anymore. Mark loved Addison. He needed her.

And this time, he wasn't leaving without her.

Commentary?

Contact the author