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"Who I Am Without You" by Niceole -- written for bluebeyonder for the "Women of Sunday Night" ficathon.
The valet remembered her. Addison was surprised by that. He had opened her door and offered his hand to help her from
the car, and then she'd heard him say, "Ah, Dr. Shepherd. Welcome back."
Perhaps in other circumstances, it would have charmed her. But tonight, being reminded that this was the place she'd
stayed when she had first arrived in Seattle pulled the knot in Addison's stomach tighter.
[i]"Addie, I just... I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry. I just... can't."[/i]
Welcome back indeed.
The front desk clerk at the Fairmont didn't remember her, but the check-in computer did.
"Would you like an executive suite again, Dr. Shepherd?"
She nodded and pulled her credit card out, sliding it toward the blonde young woman behind the counter.
"Not the same one."
Addison blurted out the words before she was even aware she was thinking them, but suddenly the thought of being in the
same room, of trying to sleep in the same bed that she had shared off and on with Derek those first weeks... she felt sick
even imagining it.
"No problem," the young woman said. "And do you know how long you'll be staying with us this visit?"
[i]"Derek, just say it. I need to hear you say it."
"I want a divorce."[/i]
"I'm... I'm not sure." She hoped her reply hadn't taken as long to come as it seemed. "I'm looking for
a house in the city."
"Oh," the clerk answered. "You should contact the concierge desk in the morning. They can help refer
you to some realtors our guests have used in the past."
"I'll do that. Thank you."
The bright-eyed young woman handed Addison her key and offered to call a bellman to carry up the small suitcase her guest
held. Addison declined. She clutched the bag and headed for the elevator, counting the seconds until she was in her room
and hidden behind a closed door.
They'd been going away for the weekend. That's why her bag had already been packed. It had been Derek's idea--a chance
to get away, to take the next step in their reconciliation. But apparently somewhere between "I'll see you at 5:00"
and "I want a divorce," her husband had decided it was a weekend for endings instead.
[i]"Since when is it not working? You've seemed so much happier. We've been so much happier."
"I didn't... I wanted it to work. I tried to act like it was working--"
"You 'tried to act like it was working'? My God, Derek, what... what the hell have you done to us?"[/i]
The elevator finally stopped, and Addison made her way to her room, unlocked the door and walked inside. She dropped
the suitcase just inside the door and set her purse on top of it. Then she walked into the bedroom, sank down on the edge
of the bed and turned on the light on the nightstand.
[i]"I'll... I'll tell you where to send the papers. Don't have your lawyer send them to the hospital. I don't want
to get them there."
"Addison, I--"
"I told you from the very beginning that if you didn't want me anymore, all you had to do was say so, and I would
go. So now you've said it, and I'm going. I'll come by on Monday while you're at the hospital to get the rest of my things.
I'll leave the key on the kitchen counter."
"Please, can't we just--"
"Derek, just stop talking, all right? Just... I have to go."[/i]
She hadn't tried to plead her case. What was the point? Her husband had told her he didn't want her anymore. That had
always been her line in the sand. She'd been willing to beg his forgiveness, to take his anger, to bite her tongue and play
nice with his ex-lover. But Addison Shepherd was no one's second choice. And if that's all she could ever be to Derek again,
then she was better off without him.
In her head, she knew that.
That's why, when faced with her husband's admission that he no longer loved her "the way he once had," Addison
had heard him out, composed herself and made as graceful an exit as a torn out heart would allow.
A small sigh escaped her as she reached into her coat pocket and pulled out the card she had been planning to give him
this weekend. The weekend of their next step... their future really beginning... their promise to let go of the past.
"Because you gave our life a second chance, we made a new one... together."
The double meaning in the line had touched her deeply when she had written it. Addison let her fingers trace over the
words on the note before her hand gripped the black and white image that had rested inside.
She didn't want a man who didn't want her. And so she would give Derek his divorce. And then she would tell him about
the child they had made while she was trying to save their marriage and he was "acting like it was working."
Addison laid down on the bed, curled up on her side and held the small photo in her hand.
"We'll be fine," she said aloud. "Somehow, baby, I promise. We'll be just fine."
*****
The absence of barking as she walked to the door on Monday morning told Addison that Derek must have left Doc at the boarders'
rather than bring him home early. Probably best for the dog, she thought. Doc didn't like it when she wasn't there at night.
Twice since he had become "their" dog, she'd had to stay the night in town with patients, and both times, he had
sat by the door, whimpering and waiting for her to come home. She wondered how he was supposed to handle all the days to
come.
Derek had left her a note on the bed pillows, asking her to call him. "I need to know you're okay." She shook
her head and dropped the note back onto the pillow. Then Addison set her mind to what needed to be done. She pulled her
two large suitcases from the storage space under the bed and unzipped them. In under an hour, she had all of her clothes
packed up and ready to go. Then she walked around and picked up the small pieces of her life that were scattered all over
the trailer--her appointment book from the coffee table, her favorite picture of she, Derek, Savvy and Weiss from the dresser,
the two books she'd been reading off and on from the bedside table.
As she packed, she thought about the visit she had paid to the Webbers home when she had finally pulled herself up out
of bed Sunday and ventured back into the world. It had felt so strange to say it out loud to someone.
[i]"I need to take a personal day on Monday. I need to, uh, to settle some things because Derek... asked me for
a divorce.[/i]
It seemed like such a simple little statement to describe the end of the most significant relationship in her adult life.
So much history and love and passion and anger and compromise reduced to one final decree.
Richard had been sympathetic and wanted to talk to her husband, but Addison had pleaded with him to leave it alone. They
had done what everyone had said they should; they'd given it another try. That it hadn't worked out the way she had hoped
was simply reality and there was nothing to be done about it, nothing but accept it and move on.
Nothing to do, she had thought to herself, but build a life for her and her child that did not include Derek as her husband.
When her things were all loaded in the car, Addison went back inside and sat down on the couch, her eyes touring through
the Airstream. If she had forgotten anything, she assumed Derek would drop it off at her office. But the reality was that
there had only been so much of her here to begin with. The tight quarters had always kept the encroachment of her material
possessions to a minimum. And now, just that quickly, she had removed herself entirely. There was no trace of "Addison
and Derek" left. At least, nothing anyone could see.
Satisfied that she had everything that was hers to take, Addie walked to the kitchen counter and set the key down. It
was then that she noticed them... the platinum rings that had only been off her finger for a few hours for every surgery since
Derek had given them to her 11 years earlier.
[i]"I promise to love you all the days of my life."[/i]
Her heart literally ached as she pulled the bands free from her hand. She felt her eyes swell and overflow with tears
as she put the two circles down beside the key. She knew he would try to give them back, insist they were hers, but she didn't
want them anymore. Not when they no longer meant anything to the man who had given them to her.
A good thirty minutes passed between Addison returning to her car, the trailer door locked behind her, and the moment
she finally felt pulled together enough to try to start the car and make her way back into the city. No sense trying to drive
through blinding tears, she'd reminded herself. The only thing that could make this day worse would be to end up at SGH as
a patient looking like some lovesick idiot who had driven herself off the road. But finally, her sobs eased and the lines
of moisture on her cheeks were wiped away and she was ready to go. But before she did, a quick check of her messages was
in order. She had set up two appointments to see houses that afternoon and wanted to make sure none of the plans had changed.
There were seven messages from Derek on her voicemail. Addison skipped through them all--she wasn't ready to hear his
voice again or to deal with whatever guilty feelings he was having over finally telling her he wanted out. Richard had called
to check on her and she phoned him back to reassure him she was fine and that she would see him at work tomorrow. The final
message was from Miranda Bailey.
"Addison, I know you're planning to call me and tell me what the hell is going on, right? Because you are not gonna
leave me up in here worried about you all day wondering why you're not here and Shepherd looks like he's waiting for me to
snatch him baldheaded. Call me."
Addie couldn't help but laugh as she dialed the main surgical desk. Miranda was, not surprisingly, in surgery, and so
they transferred the call to her voicemail.
"It's Addison. The, uh, the weekend didn't go as planned. I'm staying at the Fairmont. I'm out doing errands right
now, but I have my cell. I'll talk to you later, okay? And thanks for checking up on me."
She remembered all too well how nervous she had been the morning she was updating her appointments and realized she was
late. Addison had counted the days over at least a dozen times. She and Derek hadn't discussed even the possibility of trying
to start a family since reconciling and honestly, they had stopped trying for the last few years of their life together in
New York. But the fact that it hadn't come up didn't change the fact that Addison was late.
There was only one person she trusted enough to go to for help. Miranda had agreed to do a blood draw and run it through
the lab for her.
[i]"If the test is positive, is that good news or bad?"
Addison shrugged. "We tried for so many years when we were a happy married couple. I suppose it figures it would
happen now... when I have no idea what he'll say or how he'll feel about it."
"How do you feel about it?" Miranda asked as she pressed a cotton ball against the small needle prick in Addison's
arm.
"I never gave up hope that it would happen someday. So if I am... pregnant, yeah, it's good news to me."[/i]
And it still was. Addison refused to let her happiness about becoming a mother be ruined by the unraveling of her marriage.
In fact, her baby forced her to focus on the future. Priority number one was finding her family of two a home.
Unlike everything else about her life since she had moved to Seattle, that proved to be fairly easy.
As soon as she drove up in front of the craftsman in what the realtor had called the Queen Anne Hill area, Addison knew
she was home. It was far more house than she'd intended to buy--four bedrooms, nearly three baths--but she had agreed to
come see it because of the way the backyard had been described and because it was near a park.
The realtor arrived, and the doctor let herself be taken on the obligatory tour, but the details--the impressive gourmet
kitchen, the vaulted ceilings and skylights--while lovely, weren't needed to make the sale. It was the warmth of the house--the
way she could picture herself there curled up with her little boy or girl near the fireplace or in the bedroom--that told
Addie that her first instinct was correct. This was home.
The paperwork on the purchase in progress, Addison made her way back to the Fairmont. She was tired and hungry and ready
to lay down and prepare to face her return to Seattle Grace as the soon-to-be-ex-Mrs. Derek Shepherd.
[i]"You could hyphenate. Dr. Addison Montgomery-Shepherd. I know it's old-fashioned, but I kind of like the idea
of you having my name."[/i]
"Addison?"
She startled at hearing someone speak to her, the painful memory of the past--of Derek looking at her, smiling, talking
about their future together--still fading and holding her attention. When she looked up, it was to find that Miranda stood
beside her.
"I'm sorry," Addie said, "I-I didn't hear you. Hey."
The two women embraced, and the elevator arrived. They stepped on together and Addison leaned back against the rear wall
as the doors closed.
"Tucker on baby duty?"
"Yeah, the boys are gonna eat dinner in front of the TV and watch the Sonics game."
The elevator reached Addison's floor and they stepped out into the hallway. A few minutes later, they were settled on
the couch with the room service menus in hand.
"So did Richard say anything to you?"
Bailey shook her head. "He asked if I'd spoken with you. I said I was coming by later. Then he glared at Derek,
and I have never seen a man beat feet faster than your husband did."
"He, uh, he came home Friday and told me he wants a divorce. So... I'm giving him one."
Miranda sighed and shook her head. "Just like that?"
"Apparently... he's been, uh, how did he put it? 'Trying to act like' our marriage was working. And I guess I fell
for the act."
Addison felt her throat tighten. The long walks with Doc around the lake, the hand-holding while they sat on the couch
and watched their favorite movie, the lovemaking that had made her feel like his wife again--it had all been just been some
illusion Derek had forced them to live for reasons she didn't understand.
"I really thought... when Mark came here and we got through it... I really thought we were okay."
"Did you tell him about the baby?"
A shake of her head dropped Addison's long hair in her face and she pulled her right hand through it to push it back.
"No. I will, but... no one is ever going to be able to say I used this baby to hold onto him."
"So what do you do next? Miranda asked.
"Well, I spoke to my lawyer in New York. He recommended one out here. There's no property to divide, no contest
to the process, so it should be done in three months. When it's over... then I tell him about the baby, we set up a custody
agreement and we both... move on."
"Addison, you're six weeks pregnant. Do you really think you can hide this for three more months?"
Leaning forward, Addie rested her chin on her hands, her elbows pressing into her knees. "Well, I'll... live in
scrubs and order a bigger lab coat. And, I mean, it's not like Derek and I will be around each other much, unless I need him
on a case. Besides, I'm sure all his attention will be focused on... on Meredith."
She knew, ultimately, that their marriage hadn't ended because of Meredith Grey. Something had broken in it long before
Mark, long before Seattle and Meredith... but Addison still loved her husband. She had loved him always, even when she had
hurt him, even when he hurt her back. But he didn't love her... not anymore, not the way he had promised to, always.
Miranda opened her arms up as Addison's body began to shake. Curling against her friend, Addison drew her legs up and
laid on her side, her head on Bailey's knees. For the first time in three days, she stopped trying to be strong and smart
and rational and brave and she just cried.
"I can do this. I can let him go and let 'Addison and Derek' go and just be Addison again. I can do this."
"Yes, you can do this," Miranda whispered, clearly sensing the uncertainty in Addison's statements. "You
can do this for yourself and for your child. You, my friend, can do this."
Addison closed her eyes and thought about the house with the big backyard and the fireplace and the quiet corner of the
second bedroom she already knew would be where the baby's rocking chair would go. She thought about how that future was coming
from this moment... and that if she could just make it through this, she would be okay. They would be okay.
She could do this.
To find the next chapters, just click on the "Grey's Anatomy" link in the column on the left. :)
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