Addison felt the ends of her hair smack lightly against her back as she drew her head up from the upside-down segment of her blow dry. She lifted the brush, intending to start the final smoothing stage when the sight of her own eyes in the mirror caught her attention. Both her hands dropped to her sides, blow dryer still running, as she stared hard at the image of herself in the glass.

"What are you doing, Addison?"

She sighed, already certain of the answer, already sure the emotional corner she was now backed into was becoming more and more uncomfortable.

Flipping off the dryer, Addison tossed it on the counter, brushed her hair and did something she rarely ever did--pulled it back into a ponytail. Ten minutes later, she was dressed and in her car, headed for the ferry, another day of work and another day of uncertainty.

At least, that's what she thought.

Lunch in the cafeteria wasn't something the Shepherds did much, but Addison had two expectant mothers in with pre-term labor, and so instead of going out, they'd headed down for sandwiches and some conversation. The main topic was Doc and why it was that he still growled at Derek every time Addison left them alone at home together.

"I've given him no reason to dislike me," Derek said.

"Maybe he's just a girl kinda dog. You know, O'Malley said Doc didn't like him much either."

"Yeah... maybe."

Addison had been taking a bite of her sandwich and not really looking at Derek as he replied to her, but then she glanced up and saw that his eyes were staring off to the right... to where she knew Bailey's group of interns routinely sat on their lunch break.

She sighed, dropping her turkey on wheat back onto the plate it had come on. Derek kept talking, apparently oblivious that she had caught him in yet another "wistful over Meredith" moment.

It had to end. It just had to... one way or another. And Addison realized that today was the day she had to put that in motion. Today was the last day she would pretend everything was okay when it so clearly was not.

"I need to go check in on my patients," she announced, standing up. "I'll see you later."

Derek's mumbled good-bye barely reached her as Addison headed for the exit and made her way to the elevators. Once she was back in the safe confines of her office--the door closed tightly against the outside world--she sat down at her desk, logged on to her computer and clicked on a website she'd visited at least thirty times in the past few weeks.

It was perfect... the listing called it a row house, but it was more elegant than that name made it sound. In some ways, it reminded her of their old brownstone, but the Queen Anne Hill house had an amazing courtyard and incredible views of the city Addison was slowly falling in love with. And to her amazement, the absolutely gorgeous home was still on the market.

Resolved, Addison dialed the phone number she now knew by heart and waited for an answer.

"Horizon Realty. Melanie Parker speaking."

"Melanie, it's Addison Shepherd."

Though she doubted Melanie intended her to, Addie heard the soft sigh that escaped on the opposite end of the phone line.

"Dr. Shepherd. Let me guess, you want to see the Queen Anne Hill house again?"

"No," Addison said firmly. "I'd like to buy it."

*****

Forty-eight hours after she had stunned Melanie Parker into silence, Addison walked out of the Horizon Realty office with the keys to her new home in her hand. The former owner had been stunned to receive his full asking price in cash so quickly, though it was now clear to the doctor that she'd really thought more about this than she'd admitted to herself for weeks now. That's why, on a virtual whim, she'd had the house inspected the second time she'd asked to see it. It's why she'd never reinvested the money she and Derek had split after their New York property sold. Something inside her had known this day was coming, no matter what she had done to try to avoid it.

For what she knew could be the last time, Addison drove out to the trailer. The majority of her things were still in storage, the confines of the Airstream not accommodating too much, so packing didn't take long. Once her suitcases were in the car, she packed up Doc's bed and his toys and his food and then she walked the pooch out to the car. He happily climbed into the backseat, turned in a circle once, and then laid down.

"You seem entirely too happy about this," she said as she cast a suspicious glance at the dog. He whimpered and lowered his head as if to plead his innocence.

"Mm-hmm. Sure. Not buying it, buddy."

Doc dropped his paw over his face, drawing a laugh from Addison even though her chest was so tight she could barely breathe. That she was really about to do this... draw this particular line in the sand... it terrified her. Not because she couldn't survive the potential negative outcome, but because it was just so damn painful to imagine having to. But she could and she would... it was just time.

She waited until Doc was settled with his toys in the courtyard and until after the deliverymen had dropped off her new mattress set before she phoned Derek. He'd seemed more than a little curious as to why she wanted him to meet her at some mysterious address, but he promised to come as soon as he could. So with nothing left to do, Addison laid down on the floor of her newly-purchased and still unfurnished living room and waited.

He rang the bell when he arrived, which made her laugh for some reason. She was still laughing as her hands smoothed over her hair before she opened the door.

"Hi there."

Derek looked at her quizzically. "Addie... what's going on?"

"Come on in. Let's talk."

She stepped aside so that her husband could come inside. After closing the door, Addison followed him into the living room.

"What do you think?"

Derek shrugged. "It's nice. But, um, what are we doing here?"

Doc chose that moment to run up to the patio door. When he saw Derek, he bared his teeth and growled.

"Wh--why is the dog here? Addison, what the hell is going on?"

"That's why I asked you to meet me here," she said. "So we could talk. About... us."

She watched as he crossed his arms and leaned against the wall near the fireplace.

"Okay, I'm listening."

Addison took a deep breath... and jumped.

"I realize that a lot has changed, Derek. You've changed. And I get that you like the person you've become here."

"And you don't."

She shook her head. "No, that's what you think, but that's not true. I might not love everything about the West Coast incarnation of Derek Shepherd, but it doesn't mean I want you to stop doing what makes you happy. You want to wear flannel shirts, I want you to wear them. You are committed to this lack of the stuff you claim you hated in New York, fine... less stuff it is. You want to get up at the crack of dawn to fish for trout, you're doing it without me, but more power to you."

"But?" His voice had a harsh quality to it that Addison chose to ignore... for now.

"But you don't get to change me. I mean, I'm willing to make changes, but you don't get to try to force me to be someone that I'm not because it amuses you or because you think I have it coming. And that means that I will not... live in a trailer anymore. It means you don't get to punish me eternally for making what I have admitted was a horrible and stupid mistake... and mostly, it means that I absolutely will not share you with Meredith Grey... not for one more day."

His shoulders tensed, and Addison could feel his anger leap out at her before he even said a word. She prepared herself for what was coming and resolved to stand her ground.

"So what... you just pick a house, even though I've told you I don't want to live in the city, take the dog and move?"

"Okay, 'A'--the dog hates you and he loves me, so, yes, the dog goes with me. And 'B'--I didn't just pick a house... I picked a place where I thought you and I could be happy together... or where I could start my life over again without you. Because I realize that this is a make or break for us, Derek."

"So you're giving me an ultimatum?"

"I'm saying that we need to make a choice, Derek, a real choice!" Addison heard her voice rise, so she stopped and fought to regain her composure. "If you're with me, then damn it, I need you to be with me in a life we're building together. And if you're not, then... then you need to go."

"Well, maybe I should just go now," he spat angrily. "I mean, you're running around buying houses without me, making decisions about us without me. I get the message loud and clear, Addison--you don't need me. Point made."

"You know what? No, I don't need you, Derek. I don't need you to take care of me or to prop me up because we've outgrown that. And I don't need you to validate me or, pardon the pun, to shepherd my career along."

The obvious snark at Meredith didn't go unnoticed and Derek laughed bitterly. "Right, okay."

"But you know what else?" Addison continued, refusing to be dissuaded by his attitude. "I want you, Derek. As much if not more than I ever have, I want you--to love you, to be loved by you. I want to grow old with you. And now we both need to know whether that's enough for you, because if it's not... then what the hell are we doing?"

They stood there silently for a long while, the both of them not sure what came next. Then Addison heard his voice, and her eyes returned to him.

"I don't understand why you're doing this. Why are you trying to force me to..."

She sighed, frustrated. "You said that you chose me. You said you wanted this marriage. I have given you out after out, and you stayed. So all I'm doing, Derek, is asking you to mean it. I can accept that you care about Meredith, even if it crushes me to think that my husband of 11 years could run off and... and fall for some stranger in a matter of months, no matter what I did to you. But all right... you care for her. But you chose me. And if you didn't mean it... if you don't want me, the person standing here right now... then damn it, you need to admit it, because I can't do this anymore. I just... I can't do it anymore."

He nodded, his eyes boring into the floor. "And I do what, exactly?"

"You figure it out," she said. "Just take your time and figure it out... and you know where to find me when you know."

She stopped speaking and walked over to her husband, her hand wrapping around his. He seemed surprised at the contact, but he didn't pull away.

"And I want you to make the choice you need to make to be happy, Derek. Honestly. But this time you have to decide for good."

The tears in his eyes surprised her, and they threatened to break the tight control Addison was holding over her own emotions. He gave her a smile and squeezed her hand, and then he walked out of the front door.

Addison locked it behind him, and then she let Doc inside the house. The mutt followed her upstairs and then climbed into bed beside her. Then Addison snuggled against the furry beast and finally gave into the overwhelming desire to cry.

*****

Richard was already waiting when Addison arrived at the Beanery Bakery to meet him for breakfast. He looked worried. She leaned down and kissed his cheek and then slid into the seat opposite him.

"Am I going to like the topic of conversation that you wanted to discuss outside the hospital?" he asked, jumping right to the point.

"I'm not leaving, Richard, don't worry."

His sigh of relief confirmed that's exactly what he'd been worried about when she'd called to ask for a meeting on neutral ground.

"Okay, then what's going on, Addie?"

She remained silent as the waitress approached and filled her coffee cup, then she stared down into the dark brown liquid as she spoke.

"I'm not leaving Seattle Grace... no matter what happens. That's what I wanted to tell you, I just--I'm sure the hospital gossip wire will pick up on the latest developments soon enough. I was just hoping if we met away from there, it might not be today."

Richard's hand reached over and took hers, reminding Addison of the old days when she had been a scared, overwhelmed intern and her mentor had taken a few moments to reassure her that it would all be okay.

"What happened, Addie?"

"I opened the door... and I think he's going to walk through it. That's what happened."

She wasn't up to rehashing all the details. Richard would know soon enough that she'd moved when she dropped off her change of address form at his office. And before long, all the juicy details of how she'd left Derek and taken his ex-girlfriend's dog would be bouncing in the halls at SGH.

"I know you like Meredith," Addison said, "so I'm not asking you to take sides. It's just... he's convinced himself he loves her, and he doesn't, Richard. Not really. He likes the easy of it... he likes the new and the fact that she adores him in a way I can't because... because I'm not a 20-something intern who thinks he's 'McDreamy.'"

"Meredith's family and I go back a long way, but that doesn't mean I ever approved of this... relationship or whatever it is," Richard said. "I never believed Derek when he said he was over you. I knew... I know how much he loves you. That doesn't disappear because you hurt him."

Addison shrugged. "Maybe. But more and more, I think the affair was just his excuse to leave, not the reason he left. He says I don't need him. I doubt that's a new theory of his. And she's this giant vortex of need. Maybe that's just what he wants."

They fell into a comfortable silence as the waitress returned and took their orders and refilled their coffee cups. Then they transitioned into safe conversation about Adele's new obsession with reupholstering furniture and where the hospital fund-raiser should be held. Only when they were waiting for the check did Addison hear a shift in Richard's voice that she knew was drawing them back to the topic of her marriage.

"You know... I know a little something about choosing between two different lives."

Addison's eyes moved up to Richard's. He looked incredibly sad, and she could sense that he was sharing something very private in an effort to help her.

"You see two different paths, you think both will make you happy... but in the end, no matter how much you think you need someone else... you just... when you have to choose, you can see clearly where you belong. You just know."

She nodded, fighting off the temptation to ask who had ever made him doubt his life with Adele. Clearly his choice had been his marriage. Addison just wasn't sure her husband's choice would be the same.

"Well, I told him to take his time," she said. "So... until then, at least I have hope, right?"

*****

For two weeks, Addison and Derek Shepherd politely exchanged hellos and good-byes in the halls at Seattle Grace like any two professional colleagues would. The fact that they were spouses on the brink of a potential divorce would have never been obvious to anyone who didn't know. They even managed to work together on a case that required their united surgical expertise.

Addison never asked how his decision-making process was going. She felt like she had forced his hand when she'd given him the "sign or don't sign" divorce paper ultimatum months ago, so this time, she really did want him to think it all through and be sure. But the waiting was painful... she couldn't deny that. She only hoped she was doing as good a job hiding it from the world as she believed she was.

Another thing she had avoided entirely was working with Meredith Grey. She just couldn't trust herself right now to maintain the professional decorum she had managed throughout the past few months. Eventually, whatever happened, Addie knew she would have to stand side by side with the younger woman again on some case sometime, but for now, it just wasn't a good idea, for any of them.

Miranda was totally supportive of that decision, and since her return, she had routinely kept O'Malley and Stevens on tap as Addie's interns. Using her Bailey magic, she'd even managed to help Izzie start to thaw out toward Addison, and the promising doctor was again considering directing her specialty studies towards the OB/GYN program.

So Addison worked and taught and she saw patients and she walked Doc and she padded around her still unfurnished house and she waited. And occasionally, she hoped. Those hopes were often dashed when she watched one of her legal dramas and the clichéd conversation rolled around about how a jury being out a long time was often bad news for one side or the other. But somehow, even after a good cryfest, she'd find herself thinking again, "Maybe. Maybe."

But on this day, she wasn't thinking about Derek but instead about the dinner she was going to make herself as "cooking therapy." She was walking from the market to her car hoping she had remembered everything she needed to make her wild mushroom ravioli with creamy garlic sauce when her cell phone rang. Addison swore softly and juggled the bags into her left hand as she hoped the call wasn't about to ruin her evening plans. Then she saw the caller I.D. Flash "Derek."

"Oh, God," she whispered. "Here we go."

He wanted to meet her at the house. That's what he'd called it. "The" house--not your house, not our house. Addison spent the drive home trying to read 10,000 different meanings into his words. She gave up on that and went back to her debate about two weeks being in her favor or against her as she unloaded her groceries and put them away. She was pretty much settled on "I don't know what the hell is going to happen, but I better make sure Miranda's speed-dial number is right just in case I need to vent later" as her main thought when the doorbell rang and Doc raced toward the sound in full bark.

"Doc, come on, boy," Addison urged the dog away from the doorway. He resisted, but she finally moved him enough to get the door open and let Derek in.

"I see I'm still his favorite person."

She started to laugh, then she saw the large manila envelope in his hand. Addison felt her throat go dry.

'Oh, God. He has papers.'

"I'll, uh, I'll put him outside. Come on, Doc."

She turned and thanked the heavens that she had a built-in excuse to walk away from Derek for a moment so she could prepare herself for what was coming. Using Doc's favorite toy as bait, she lured him to the patio, and the dog happily chased the stuffed bear when she threw out into the courtyard. She doubted her husband noticed when she pretended she needed to check his outside water supply to buy herself a few more moments before she heard the verdict on her future.

"So, uh..." Derek started talking as Addison came back inside and secured the door. When she nervously moved to the kitchen, he followed, casually dropping the envelope on the countertop nearest him as Addie leaned against the opposite one.

"So, uh..." she echoed, hoping she sounded more confident and calm than she felt.

"So... you know, I was pretty mad at you when I left here."

She smiled in spite of the tension in the room. "Yeah, I figured that when you grunted at me for three days at work."

Derek smiled back. Her mind threatened to run away with a million thoughts on what the smile meant, but his words demanded her attention.

"I was mad mostly because you were right. I was walking both sides of that line between you and Meredith... and it hasn't been fair to any of us."

She nodded. Derek paused, just looking at her, and Addie felt herself a touch unnerved. So she decided to ask the one question she really, truly needed an answer to besides the biggest question of her life.

"Derek, why didn't you sign the papers before? Do you know?"

"Yeah," he admitted. "I do. Because when you were 3,000 miles away and I wasn't staring at your face, I could just hate you and justify myself and it was easy to think we were over. But then you were there... my wife was standing there, right in front of me saying, 'hey, if you want a divorce, you can have one.' And you weren't some demonized phantom anymore. You were my wife again. I couldn't pretend otherwise anymore."

She hadn't been sure what answer to expect, but the impact of what Derek had said reached all the way into Addison's soul. It all made more sense to her now... it didn't make the hurt and the pain over Meredith go away anymore than she thought her explanation about what had happened with Mark could lessen his hurt... but it made sense.

"So after I stopped being mad about you buying the house and all..." Derek crossed his arms in front of himself and sighed. "After that, I did what you asked. And I thought a lot about what I want... about who I want. And it was really a lot easier to figure out than I thought it would be."

Addison gripped the counter behind her. "So you've decided?"

"You know what's funny? As much as you hate that trailer... you're everywhere there. Did you know that?"

"What do you mean?" she asked, genuinely confused.

"I know it was where we lived to you, but I realized this week that it was... it was our home to me. It was where your hairbrush sat on the sink and it was where my Gore-Tex boots sat next to your $500 Italian high heels. It's where... it's where I let it be okay again for you to make me smile and to make me laugh."

His eyes dropped and he cleared his throat.

"But I know you're also right. It's not you. It just could never be you."

He picked up the envelope and handed it to her. Addison prayed her hand wouldn't shake as she reached out and took it.

"That's for you," he said. She kept her eyes lowered as she opened the envelope and pulled the paper inside out.

It was a blueprint for a log cabin house.

"What..." Her eyes shot up to his. "This isn't... Derek, what is this?"

"Compromise." He smiled. "Also known as a house. An environmentally-friendly, custom-designed log cabin home, actually. The architect thinks our land is perfect for it."

"Our... our land?"

He stepped away from the counter and came closer, taking the blueprint and envelope out of her hand.

"We had two houses in New York, right? Now we did that partly because it's what people in New York do, but really... we did it because you loved that brownstone and I loved it when we went out to the Hamptons. So why can't we have two houses in Washington?"

He had chosen her. And even though she had hoped for it as much as she had hoped for anything in her life, Addison couldn't believe that given one more chance to walk away, he was really staying home... staying with her.

"You're... you're sure this is..."

She couldn't finish the question. Derek smiled and he drew her left hand up to his lips, kissing it.

"I miss the possibilities of what I could have had with Meredith, Addie. That's what you see when I... when I drift away. But I've realized that I would never miss them more than I'd miss you. Because you're my wife... and you have loved me when I was a stupid, arrogant intern and when I was a total bastard to you and when I... when I forgot how much you meant to me. And really, I just can't let that go. I can't let us go, for anything."

She pulled him against her, her face pressing into his shoulder. When she felt him hold her just as tightly, Addison knew it was true. They were back together, this time for real.

"You, uh... you know, though, if you want me to live here..." Derek pulled back just enough to see her face, his arms remaining around her. "We're gonna have to buy some furniture. 'Cause you can't expect a man to live with no furniture."

She laughed and then let the fingers of her right hand rise up to gently caress his cheek. "Well, I was holding out hope we'd pick out the furniture together."

He nodded and kissed her forehead and then he pulled her tightly against him once again.

"I'm glad you waited."

"So am I," she said.

Then Derek lowered his face to hers and Addison kissed her husband. And she knew, finally, what she was to him...

His wife... who he wanted... still.

Commentary?

Contact the author