There was only so much of being cool and professional that a woman whose life was spinning out of control could take. Addison had gone to work day after day the past few weeks, treating patients, performing surgery, laughing at Richard's jokes and smiling politely at her eager interns and helpful nurses. And she'd done it all without letting any of them see that every moment she spent inside Seattle Grace left her feeling like she was being burned in her gut by tiny, white hot needles.

[i]"I'm not saying this to hurt you or because I want to leave you, because I don't. Meredith wasn't a fling. She wasn't revenge. I fell in love with her. That doesn't go away just because I decided to stay with you."[/i]

The words had come at her so unexpectedly that she had been defenseless. Addison didn't doubt that Derek had seen her surprise, her horror, her heartbreak--there hadn't been a chance to mask any of it. And maybe that was for the best. Hiding how they felt had gotten them into this mess. Maybe it was really the only way they could try to heal their marriage, for him to say those horrible, hurtful words and for her to hear them and let him see how they had ripped her open as surely as a scalpel would.

But for the best or not, it hurt. It hurt all the time, every day, and seeing Derek walking past Meredith in the hospital halls or knowing that he was thinking about her in quiet moments at home... it was all just pain waiting to get her around every corner.

Finally, it was just enough. She'd held it together through Christmas, stoically sharing dinner with Derek and the Webbers and pretending that everything was fine. She'd smiled at her husband over cold beers and chocolate soufflé--a menu of compromise to be sure--on New Year's Eve. She had hoped with all her heart that when he kissed her at midnight, he wasn't thinking about Meredith. And she had come to work every day for two weeks and tried to deal with the idea that her husband loved another woman.

But when she'd gotten on the elevator to run back up to her office for a medical journal she wanted to read while she enjoyed an afternoon off, Addison had come face to face with the very source of her agony. It didn't matter that George and Burke had also been on the elevator or that four other people she didn't know had been there. Derek and Meredith had been in the car... together.

The moment the elevator stopped, she had gotten out without saying a word, walked to the stairs, gone back down to the lobby level and walked out of the hospital. She didn't turn to the parking lot nor did she even think of going to get her car. Instead, Addison had just kept walking, her Cole Haan pumps clicking along the ground, providing a rhythmic sort of background music for her great escape.

Click. Click. Keep walking. Just keep walking. Click. Click. Do not go back. Click. Click. If you go back now, you'll say something you can't take back. Click. Click. Click. Click. Keep walking, Addie. Just keep walking. Click. Click.

After nearly two miles, she realized she couldn't walk far enough to make the hurt stop. And so, full up to there with trying to be brave and classy and tired of taking her lumps for her own mistakes, Addison Forbes Montgomery-Shepherd dropped down on the first empty park bench she saw and she cried.

She let go of the tears from that night in Joe's when Derek had declared his love for another woman. She let them go for all the times when he had looked at her with anger and hate and left her so paralyzed she could barely find a response to what he had said. She cried for New York and the life they had worked so hard to build and then thrown away with hardly a thought of what they were doing. She cried for herself because she was tired of feeling so damn alone. Addison cried... and she cried... and she cried, for a very long time.

"Add-- uh, Dr. Shep-- um... Are--are you okay?"

Izzie Stevens had barely spoken three words to her since Addison had decided the promising doctor needed a hard lesson in professional distance. Even now, the younger woman seemed almost annoyed that she couldn't make herself be cold enough to just keep on going by, not caring what was wrong with "Satan," where she sat sniffling on a bench in the middle of a park in the middle of the afternoon.

Addison sniffed and wiped at her cheeks before she looked up at the blonde in front of her. Izzie was in running clothes and she'd clearly been mid-workout when her attention had been caught by one of her mentors sitting on a bench crying like a baby.

"I'll be fine, thanks. Enjoy your run."

There was no need to pretend, Addison told herself, that Izzie really cared how she was doing. The intern was a nice kid with a good heart, and she was just being polite. No reason to stick her on the spot with any real confessions. So the redhead was more than a little surprised when the Izzie stepped closer instead of backing away.

"Really, Dr. Shepherd, are you okay?"

That little bit of kindness undid her. Addison felt her eyes sting as more tears came forth and she shook her head.

"I gave up my entire life--my house, my practice, my friends--I moved to this city where I know almost no one, where the people I do know mostly hate me, I live in a trailer... a trailer... and I'm going through all of it in an attempt to fight for the man I love who may or may not still love me, but who most definitely loves someone else. No, Dr. Stevens, I am decidedly not okay."

Izzie sat down on the bench beside her.

"Wow. Yeah, I'd say that definitely qualifies as not okay."

Addison chuckled and again made an attempt to erase the tear stains on her cheeks. It was futile. Her laughter grew, her nearly nonsensical ramblings playing back to her in her head, causing more teardrops to fall.

"Thank you for not trying to make me sound insane. And for stopping, especially since I know you... you're still..."

Izzie nodded. "Yeah, well, I sort of almost didn't stop, and then I remembered that up until the thing, I really, you know, kind of liked you."

"You did?" Addison asked.

"I did."

Addison nodded. Before the quints case, she had hoped that she and Izzie might form a real friendship. They were more similar than the younger woman probably knew, and it was nice to find someone eager to learn who had a clear talent when it came to advanced obstetric surgery. But then Addison had repeated Richard Webber's lesson, and while she had eventually come to forgive her mentor and friend, she feared that Dr. Stevens would add the hard lesson together with the image of the woman who had ruined Meredith's life and just hate her forever.

"And most everyone you know doesn't hate you, you know."

Another surprising statement. Addison looked over and found Izzie's gaze focused on her.

"George likes you, kind of a lot, actually, and I know Dr. Bailey does. And all the O.B. nurses are always trying to get on your cases because they like working with you."

"They do?"

"They do," Izzie confirmed, this time with a hint of a smile.

"I just..." Addison took a deep breath. After what she'd already admitted, what harm would it do to keep talking? "I miss not belonging. I mean, it's not like anyone is mean to me or anything, it's just... I feel like everyone thinks they can't be Meredith's friend and my friend or it's some kind of bizarre loyalty violation."

"I'd tell you you were imagining that except, um, when Alex and I imploded, I totally got pissed at everyone for being his friend while they were supposed to be my friends."

Addison nodded. "Yeah."

"Yeah," Izzie repeated.

They were quiet for a beat, and then Addison turned slightly so she was facing the other woman.

"He didn't do it because of anything you did. You know that, right?"

"Wh-what?"

Izzie looked surprised that Addison knew the details of the break-up. The redhead shrugged.

"It's not that big a hospital when it comes to gossip. Believe me, I know. But, um, Alex didn't cheat on you because you did anything. I just hope you know that."

The blonde bit her lower lip and let out a sigh. "Then why did he do it?"

Addison smiled, almost relieved to be talking about someone else's messy romantic life even if it did mirror her own in some ways.

"Because he looked at you and then he looked at himself, and all that bravado he struts around with melted away and Alex decided he didn't measure up. So... he did something stupid to try to make himself feel better, and he didn't think about what would happen if you found out. Right then, he forgot how much you meant to him."

Izzie opened her mouth to speak, but she said nothing, her lips closing again. Her face seemed to relax as she took in what Addison had said and really thought about it. Then her expression changed again, this time to a curious one.

"Is that... I mean, is that what happened with you and McD--I mean, Derek?"

"Oh, sort of." Addison drew in a breath and let it out as she ran her hand through her hair. "Derek and I... we were happy for a very long time. And then we hit a few bumps and... and we just stopped talking. I couldn't seem to get him to open up to me and I couldn't open up to him and I figured it must be my fault, only I didn't know what I had done. And I guess it just came down to me needing to feel like someone still wanted me, even if my husband didn't."

"But you still loved him?"

Addison nodded. "More than my life. I still do. I'm just not sure it matters."

She felt her eyes trying to well up again, but Addison blinked the moisture away. She was tired of crying now. The release it had given her was no longer worth the sting. There was no guarantee she'd have won the battle had she continued trying to resist the tears, but then suddenly Izzie popped up off the bench, completely distracting her.

"Okay, I'm just gonna say this one time, okay?"

"O... okay," Addison replied uncertainly.

Izzie's hands went to her hips as she took a defiant pose. "Okay, I'm not saying that what you did was okay, 'cause it totally wasn't. I mean, you cheated, and you might have had a good reason, but still. But here's the thing... Derek was married, too. He came here and he slept with Meredith and he didn't tell her about you, he didn't tell any of us about you, and he let's himself get all 'in love' whatever with Meredith while he's lying and pretending and not owning his own crap. So, you know, I'm just saying, he's not so perfect. And so, you know, I guess I'm just saying... he cheated, too, you know? I know you tried to let him off the hook for that... but he did."

Tirade ended, Addison felt her mouth fall open at the simple but honest way Izzie had expressed her point of view. Not that she hadn't felt or thought those same things, but to Addison her own declaration of Derek's infidelity seemed like bitterness, sour grapes--the woman who had erred trying to make herself feel better. But the truth was, her husband hadn't just slept with another woman, he had let another woman into his heart. He had let himself fall "in love" with her, whatever the hell that meant... and it had made Addison question everything about herself and her marriage dating back long before the rift in their relationship had begun.

"That being said," Izzie plopped back down on the bench, exhausted by her mini rant. "It was Derek who... told me why you left me alone on the quint case and he told me that Dr. Webber had done the same thing to you and why. And he told me that you hated doing it and that you felt really bad about how upset I was but that you couldn't tell me so he was doing it so I'd know you, you know, weren't..."

"Satan?" Addison quipped. Izzie laughed.

"Right."

"He shouldn't have told you that."

The blonde nodded. "I know. But he did. And I was still really mad and really hurt... but I stopped today when I saw you were upset, and I probably did that because him telling me helped me remember that I kinda thought we might be friends... you know, before."

"I kinda thought so, too," Addison admitted. "But I might have to be a total bitch to you again, you know? It's kind of... my job."

"Yeah," Izzie said, nodding. "I know. But, um... sometimes I'm a total bitch, too. And it's not my job. You can ask Cristina and George. And Alex, definitely Alex. They'll tell you."

This time they both laughed... real laughs that had weight and character to them, like the way friends laugh together.

"Are you, uh... are you gonna give Alex another chance?" Addison asked.

"Boys are stupid," Izzie answered. "And Alex is the stupidest boy ever."

"That's not a no."

The younger woman shrugged. "I know. I don't know. Maybe, someday, when I forget how I wanted to run him over with my car... lots of times."

Addison glanced at her watch and realized that Derek was going to be leaving the hospital soon. Suddenly, she felt ready to have a conversation she needed to have with her husband, and so she stood up and pulled her bag on her shoulder. Izzie pulled herself up off the bench as well.

"He won't make the same mistake again." Addie made the statement with confidence. It was familiar territory for her. "Not that he won't make another stupid, horrible mistake. But he won't cheat again."

"How can you be so sure?" Izzie asked.

"Because he loves you. He's scared to death of it and he's not sure he's ready for it, but he saw how badly he hurt you, and he hates himself for it. He won't do it again. Just in case, you know, you forget how you wanted to run him over with your car... lots of times."

She had noticed before that Izzie's smile was infectious, and as the blonde let loose with a wide, hopeful grin, Addison felt one appear on her own face.

"I, uh, I know I've never been married or anything," Izzie offered. "But he couldn't sign. I mean, you gave him the out and he couldn't do it. He asked you to stay. He... won't let go of you no matter what he feels for Mere. That means something, Addison. I just hope it means what you want it to."

"Really?"

"Yeah," Izzie answered, "really. Because I know that you love him. And he's your husband. And that matters."

*****

The two women left the park together and headed back toward Seattle Grace. They said their good-byes in the parking lot as Addison climbed into her car to drive home and Izzie headed into the hospital to shower and head to Joe's to meet her friends.

An hour later, Addison pulled up to the trailer and found Derek sitting out front in his favorite deck chair.

"Hey," he said.

"Hey," she answered as she sat down on the steps and stared out at the landscape around them.

"You okay?" he asked.

Addison sighed. "I want to belong here, Derek. I want to belong with you, at the hospital, with people that are in our life. But I'm scared to because... every morning I wake up and I wonder if this is gonna be the day you decide you... you made the wrong choice."

Silence hung in the air as the moisture from the lake crept over them. Then Addison heard footsteps coming toward her before Derek sat down beside her.

"On Thanksgiving," he said, "Meredith asked me if I still loved you. And I couldn't answer her."

Addison sat up straighter, preparing herself for what might come next.

"I didn't know then. And maybe I had to... I had to push you as far as I could and see what happened before I knew the answer."

"And do you know now?"

She felt his hand grip hers, and Addison couldn't resist the urge to turn and look at him.

"You stayed. You're fighting for me. Maybe I needed to know that you would before I could admit that I wanted you to... before I could see that even though I do have these feelings for Meredith, it didn't erase everything I feel for you, Addie. Yes, I do love you. And I want you to... to belong here. With me. We just gotta figure it all out."

She could have said a lot of things then, but Addison let her fingers curl around Derek's as she leaned over and put her head on his shoulder. He had said he wanted her to belong... and now she had to just leap and believe it... no matter how many times he made her feel like she wanted to run him over with her car, lots of times.

The memory of her talk with Izzie made her laugh, and Derek kissed the top of her head.

"What's so funny?"

"Nothing," Addison said. "Just something a friend said."

*****

Izzie sat down at the bar and waited for Joe to pour her usual. Meredith and George were playing darts and Cristina was running late.

She didn't turn around when the bell on the door jingled as it was opened because she wasn't expecting anyone else. So Izzie jumped when a hand settled on her back as a man sat down beside her.

As Alex sat down beside her.

"Hey."

"Hey," she answered, trying not to choke on the half of her drink she downed upon realize who was sitting next to her.

"Um, Grey told me you guys were gonna... I mean, if this isn't cool..."

"It's fine," Izzie said, a little too quickly. "I don't care if you sit here and drink. I don't care what you do."

Alex shrunk from the tone of her voice and Izzie felt a pang of guilt. Damn him, why did he still make her feel so much when he was such a jerk?

"Maybe this wasn't a good idea," he said, rising up from the seat he'd just taken.

"Oh, God!"

Izzie banged her palms on the bar and stood up, then she pushed Alex back down.

"Listen, you don't get to make me feel bad for being pissed at you because hi, you cheated on me, and that hurt, and I'm totally furious with you and I probably will never forgive you. So I get to be mad, and you just have to take it. And you know what? You feel crummy? Well, you should, not 'cause I'm mad but because you might have thrown away a chance with the single greatest thing that was ever going to happen in your lame ass life, and that's me. So just sit down and have your drink and let me try to forget how mad I am, okay?"

Retaking her seat, Izzie downed the rest of her drink only to be met with Joe ready to pour another. She also saw the wink the bartender threw her direction as if to say "way to go, girl."

"You said 'might'."

"What?" Izzie snapped, turning toward Alex to find him flashing that cocky smile that usually made her want to hit him but that sometimes made her want to kiss him.

"You said I 'might' have thrown away my chance... not 'did.' So you might forgive me someday then, right?"

Izzie thought about her talk with Addison and felt her stomach tighten. Why couldn't she ever just say she was through with Alex? Why couldn't she just save herself all the potential pain and let him go?

"Boys are stupid," she said, ignoring his question. "And you are the stupidest boy ever."

"I might be," Alex agreed. "But you didn't say no."

No, she thought to herself, she hadn't said no. Just like Derek hadn't been able to sign the papers. Just like Addison couldn't walk away even though she knew her husband's heart wasn't all hers. Just like Alex was still here, sitting next to her, taking all the anger she had to dish out.

She sighed and took a sip of her drink. Her sum total observation for the day--and she had a feeling Addison would agree--was that love was a pain in the ass.

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