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The burn of Carly's words felt like a gaping wound in Alexis' chest, but she kept walking, refusing to stop or turn around
for fear that she would look back and realize that no one, not Mike, not Courtney, not Jason, no one would be there to say,
"I'm sorry."
How dare them, she thought. How dare they all stand there and let Carly speak to her like that when they know. They
told me, didn't they? All of them knew before I did that I loved him, and they just...
No, Alexis mentally scolded, as she climbed into her BMW, don't waste your energy on them. The lot of them had stood
by and watched Sonny speed toward destruction, and when she had tried to get in the way, tried to make him see what he could
be, all it had gotten her was pushed aside and left alone.
Looking down to start the car, Alexis saw the growing roundness at her belly.
"Well, little one, that wasn't all I got, was it?"
Alexis felt tears threatening as she caressed her stomach and the little boy or girl who lay inside. Biting her lip,
she pushed back the emotions and started the car.
"To hell with them. I'll say goodbye to him by myself."
With that Alexis threw the convertible into reverse and backed out of the parking spot. Before she peeled out of the
lot, she reached out and turned on the radio.
hmmm
Somebody told me
you were not coming home
the words are spinnin' in time
and the air suddenly went cold
The sun is still shining
but everything feels like rain, oh
and if I had one wish
it would be to see you again
Alexis gripped the steering wheel more tightly as she headed toward her first destination. The song seemed to grow louder
in the small interior of the car as if some force were trying to push her grief to the surface. The words of the song penetrated
her heart, but still, she would not let herself cry.
Nothing's fair
when we loose
without a moment to say goodbye
How come the world won't stop spinning
now that you're gone (now that you're gone)
I know every end has beginnings
but this one's all wrong (this one's all wrong)
so wrong, so wrong
She saw the shop whose logo she knew so well from the many times their gold label had appeared on boxes outside her door.
She walked in and placed her order. The man behind the counter, Manuel, looked at her credit card, then back up at her as
if he somehow recognized the name, but he said nothing. Alexis was grateful for that. She had no words for anyone right
now.
Caught in the middle
wrong place, wrong time
and I'm hopelessly missing you
and I can't stop denying
Nothing's fair anymore
and I know there's a better place
and I'll never stop dreaming of you
ooooh
The song had long since ended, but the lyrics continued to play out in Alexis' mind. How could someone you never knew
say all the things that you needed to say, but couldn't give voice to?
How come the world won't stop spinning
(now that you're gone) now that you're gone
I know every end has beginnings
but this one's all wrong (this one's all wrong)
so wrong, so wrong
How can the seasons keep changing
since you disappeared
oh yeah
(tell me) how come the world won't stop
how come the world won't stop
Sweet tears are shed
this pain we lay to rest
it's hard lettin' go
but I keep movin' on
in a place I don't belong
An hour after her failed mission at the church, Alexis parked in the lot she had always used when coming to the warehouse
to see Sonny. Her eyes turned to the now vacant spot, the memory of the other loss she had so recently suffered adding a
pang of anguish to her palpable sadness. So much loss.
After retrieving her purchase, Alexis climbed from the car and walked away from the warehouse toward the docks. Soon,
she was there, in front of that bench. The bench where so many of their talks had taken place, where their friendship had
grown of its own volition.
She bypassed the familiar seat and went to the edge of the pier. After placing her purse and the white cardboard box
onto the wooden surface, Alexis slowly sank down so that she was seated on the pier, her legs dangling over the edge.
How come the world (stop spinning)
said now that you're gone
I know every end has beginning
said this one's all wrong
said this one's all wrong
(how can the seasons) keep changing
since you disappeared
oh, you're gone
you're gone
how come the world won't stop
how come the world won't stop
How come the world won't stop spinning
now that you're gone
yeah heya
I know every end has beginning
but this one's all wrong
so wrong
She sat there just thinking, remembering the way he made her laugh. She thought about the night he had rescued her from
Kristina's God awful welcome home party and made her feel safe for the first time in weeks. Alexis remembered the silly way
he worked those merciless dimples of his to try and get her to do what he wanted, both at business and at play. But mostly
she remembered what it felt like, for one night, to feel like Sonny loved her as much as she loved him.
Finally, the tears came. Her body shook with the strength of them, with the power of all that she had lost with his passing.
There wouldn't be a second chance; no salvaged friendship, no day she would tell him the truth about their child, no moment
when he would know that she loved him still, even after Carly, after Kristina, after everything.
Alexis loved Sonny, and even death couldn't take that away from her.
Slowly, she broke the gold seal on the box and opened the lid. Inside lay three gardenias, one for Sonny, one for her,
one for their child. She took out the first one, inhaled its scent, kissed its petals, and then let the blossom fall from
her hand to the water below.
Alexis watched the white petals bob and weave in the current for a minute or so, then she repeated her ritual with the
second bloom. And then, finally, she pulled the third flower from the box. Pushing the now empty container aside, Alexis
held the last gardenia in one hand as she touched her stomach with the other.
"He would have loved you so much, little one. I know he would have. And I promise you, someday, I'll tell you all
the things you would have loved about him."
Alexis brought the flower to her lips, kissed it as well, and again let it slip to the water below. Her hand dangled
there, empty, almost reaching for something, but there was nothing there she could see to hold onto.
The sun started to set and Alexis finally stood up and began to walk away from the pier. The three flowers had long since
drifted from her sight, but she could still smell their fragrance on her hand as she picked up her purse and began to walk
away.
Life would go on, she thought, and the scent of gardenias would always remind her of him.
Alexis didn't know that somewhere, out in the big openness of the water, the three flowers, dropped separately, had found
their way together, their leaves and petals bound by a connection that not even the strongest wave could break.
Song: "How Come The World Won't Stop" by Anastacia from the album "Freak of Nature"
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