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This one is for Perchance because our dinner conversation inspired it and because I have no faith that the Violence-Is-Cool-Crew
will deliver this, and I want it.
Unforgivable
She was exactly where he expected her to be when he'd gone out in search of his long-time friend, but seeing her broke
Jax' heart in ways he thought were no longer possible. After all, what was left to break? Another young life, so beautiful,
so innocent, gone... another loved one lost. But there he stood, watching her as she sat on the cold, damp ground of the
cemetery staring at the mound of wilting flowers and the temporary marker. And there was no doubt; the sound of her sobbing
was still breaking the heart he felt could no longer feel.
And as he watched, Jax hated yet understood perfectly the thought that began in his soul and registered in his heart:
thank God it wasn't her.
Jax moved quietly so that he was standing beside Alexis. He knew that she sensed him there, but she did not look at him.
Instead he knelt down and placed a hand on her shoulder as she wept, her tears flowing seemingly without end.
Saying that he was worried for her was an understatement. Kristina had been dead now for two weeks, and for two weeks,
Alexis had been doing little more than functioning. Sure, she'd done the things people expected of her - planned the funeral,
consoled Nikolas and Ned, but her grief was so palpable that it seemed almost visible as a weight upon her shoulders. She
was sinking under it, and Jax knew it.
He'd been most frightened for her on the day of Kristina's funeral. Alexis had been stoic, holding things together as
she always did behind a mask of control. Then Carly and Sonny had walked into the chapel. Seeing them sparked an outpouring
of rage from Alexis the likes of which Jax had never seen before. She had burned Sonny where he stood with her words, and
when she had ordered him and his "worthless wife" out of the church, Sonny had lowered his head upon his slumped
shoulders and silently guided Carly out the front door.
That was also the day that Jax found out Alexis was pregnant. As her anger had raged and raged, as her fury had pushed
her to the breaking point, both Ned and Nikolas had been able to quell their own mourning long enough to run to her aid and
remind her that she had more important things to worry about than Sonny or Carly.
"Think about the baby, Alexis," Ned whispered just loud enough for Jax to overhear. "Everything was to
protect the baby. Don't let him or her down now. That's the last thing Kristina would want."
Jax had stood there, stunned into silence as Alexis nodded quietly and let the other men lead her to pew where she sat
down and fought to recover her calm. Thinking back on it, Jax remembered how she had sat there taking in deep breath after
deep breath, her left hand constantly moving in gentle circles upon her stomach.
In the time that followed, Jax came to learn the whole sordid story of Alexis and Ned and a night in a cottage, of how
betrayed Kristina had felt. He listened, but he didn't believe. Jax knew Alexis too well to believe for one second that
she had pushed her love for Sonny aside and climbed into Ned's bed, even for one night. He hated Sonny, and that would never
change, but Jax had seen with his own eyes the depth of Alexis' devotion to Corinthos. She was not the kind of woman who
could simply console herself in another man's arms. It was a kernel of knowledge that led Jax to only one conclusion - the
baby she was carrying belonged to Sonny.
That she had felt the need to lie in order to protect her child didn't surprise Jax in the least. How many times had
he, had everyone warned Alexis about the dangers of Sonny's life? But no one had been able to get through to her, no one,
it seemed, but Sonny himself. Somehow he had shown her his true colors, and Alexis had finally walked away. Jax had been
thrilled at that fact. He'd thought it meant she was safe. He'd been wrong.
Now Alexis had irrefutable proof of the dangers of being in Sonny's orbit. Jax could only guess, but it seemed to him
that Kristina must have figured out the truth about the baby and gone to tell Sonny, and that that was how she had ended up
in the horribly wrong place at precisely the most terrible time.
Jax knew that he would help Alexis in any way that he could. Already he had phoned Lady Jane, and his mother was en route
back to Port Charles on the first flight possible so that she could come take care of "her daughter" Alexis. Divorce
or no divorce, real marriage or no real marriage, Alexis was a Jacks to him and to his family. He had also phoned Stefan
and told him that he desperately needed to return for his sister's sake. The elder Cassadine had returned to Port Charles
for the funeral, but fearing he would take his grief out upon Alexis, Stefan had quickly departed. Jax had made it clear
that it was time for Stefan and everyone else to put Alexis ahead of their own fears and pains. She was suffering, and she
would not be alone through this, he would see to it. Stefan had seen the wisdom in Jax' words, and he, too, was coming home
to care for Alexis.
But she needed a different kind of help right now, before Lady Jane and Stefan and their well-meaning love and concern
arrived to comfort her. Jax knew she didn't want what he was there to offer, but he would not relent. It was time for Alexis
to stop doing what Alexis always did - blame herself for everything that had gone wrong around her.
He felt her stiffen as he moved to sit down right beside her, his shoulder touching Alexis' just enough to make it clear
he was not going to be easily distanced. Jax was not surprised when she continued to keep her eyes staring straight ahead
rather than at him. She knew. She was too smart not to know. Alexis knew why he was here, and she was going to try to fight
him.
"Alexis, I know."
Still she would not look at him. "Jax, please, just leave me alone."
"Did you hear what I said? I said I know."
A shake of her head, her hand running through her hair, that was all the response Jax would get.
"I've held you when you cried, I've laughed with you, I've listened to you tell me what you're most afraid of in
this world. Could you really think that I don't know you?"
"I don't care what you think you know. I just want to be left alone."
"To bury yourself next to Kristina? No, Alexis, I don't think so. I'm not losing you, too. I've lost all I'm losing
in this lifetime."
"None of this is about you, Jax."
"The hell it isn't. I brought Kristina here. I helped her find you, I brought her here and I put her smack in the
middle of a new life that ended up getting her killed. So, yeah, Alexis, it's about me."
His words finally drew her eyes to him. He had hoped to see fury there, at least a flare of anger at his words, but all
he saw was the dim light of sadness that seemed to fill Alexis' whole being.
"That's right, you found her, you brought here, to me. You brought her to me and Stefan entrusted her to me, and
look what I did with all that trust." As she finished her statement, Alexis' hand gestured toward Kristina's grave.
"I have to say, Jax, that white knight thing of yours, it's normally pretty effective, but next time you want to reunite
long-lost sisters, you should rethink it. I mean, one of the sister's might be in the middle of an insane, absolutely pointless
relationship with a man who routinely kills people or gets people killed and, well, we've seen how well that turns out."
Jax closed his eyes and shook his head. "You don't get to carry this, Alexis. You aren't the one who did this to
Kristina."
Alexis' eyes flashed sharply at him, and as she stood, he saw a brief flicker of something similar to emotion. His hopes
brightened as he saw it, despite Alexis' angry decree. "And you don't get to tell me what to feel."
Just as she started to try and walk away, Jax leapt to his feet and grabbed Alexis' arm. "And you don't get to take
on the blame that other people deserve to carry."
"You have no idea what I deserve!" she screamed, and finally, in that sound, Jax knew he was going to win.
"I told you, Alexis, I know."
"Know what! Know that I'm an idiot who fell in love with a man that everybody, EVERYBODY warned me to stay away
from? Know that he dumped me in 10 seconds to run back to his wife? Know that I was so caught up in finally getting him
to pay a moment's attention to me as a woman that I let him get me pregnant? Do you know that I lied...to my sister, my baby
sister...and let her think that her sister and the man she loved had slept together behind her back? Or do you know, Jax,
that my lie is the reason Kristina was in that warehouse. My lie is the reason my sister is dead!"
"No, Alexis, no, that's not the reason!" Jax yelled. He put both of his hands on her arms to hold her steady
in front of him so she could not run away from what she so needed to hear. "Sonny's enemies put that bomb in his warehouse.
Now, God only knows what, what act of Sonny's they were trying to avenge, but that had nothing to do with you."
"It had everything to do with me! She wouldn't have even known who Sonny was if it weren't for me, don't you understand
that?" Alexis pulled her arms, trying to free herself from Jax' grasp, but he refused to let go.
"Why did you lie to her, Alexis?"
Alexis looked down, refusing to answer.
"Why, Alexis, why did you lie to her?"
"Because I knew she would tell him," Alexis cried out, her tears returning as she let out the truth that she
was so ashamed of. "I knew that if I told Kristina the truth she would tell Sonny and I...I had to keep my baby safe.
I had to keep...oh, God forgive me, I chose my baby over my sister..."
Her words trailed off as Alexis' emotions finally broke totally free, not her anger or even her grief, but the well of
guilt that had been building inside of her for weeks - guilt that she could not trust her sister, guilt over the pain she'd
caused Kristina, even guilt over the things she felt she had stolen from her child by choosing Sonny to love. Her pain weakened
her and Jax took Alexis fully into his arms as he lowered her back to the ground. Once they were seated, he held her against
him and rocked her as she cried.
"Don't you see, Alexis? Kristina was at that warehouse to do what you were afraid of, to tell Sonny the truth.
And she wasn't doing it to hurt you or to betray you, she was doing it out of love because she thought it was what was best
for you. Just like you were trying to do what you thought was best for your baby. It may not have been the right choice,
it may not have even been fair, but it was done with the best of intentions and not to hurt anyone."
"But I stole so much from her. Those last few days, they were filled with nothing but pain and heartache, and that
was my fault. If I had just stayed away from Sonny, if I had listened to you when you tried to warn me..."
"And if I had just not let Brenda out of my sight, and if Stefan had just let Chloe leave for Milan...Alexis, you
know I'm right even if you don't want to hear it. You don't blame your brother for what happened to Chloe do you?"
"Of course I don't," Alexis managed through her tears.
"Why?"
"Jax..."
"Why?" he asked again, more insistently.
"He didn't do anything wrong."
"According to you he did. He knew Stavros. He knew Helena. He loved Chloe and that pulled her into a chain of
events that cost her her life. Doesn't that make him responsible?"
"What happened to Chloe was not Stefan's fault."
Jax pulled slightly away from Alexis and used his hand to bring her face up so that her eyes met his. "And what
happened to Kristina was not your fault because you were a part of Sonny's life or because you loved him, and it wasn't my
fault for bringing her to you. It was the fault of whatever evil put that bomb inside that warehouse. It was the fault of
a world where men think they can kill to solve their problems. It was a terrible, terrible case of timing, I mean, call it
what you want. What it most definitely was not was your fault."
Alexis felt a catch in her throat as a new well of tears began to glisten in her eyes. "I don't know if I can believe
that."
Smiling slightly, Jax pulled Alexis into his arms, holding her tightly. "I'll be here to remind you every day until
you do."
"It just seems so unforgivable," she said, her words so soft that Jax almost missed them. Instead, he heard
them, considered them, and then raised his hand up to stroke her cheek.
"I know, but it isn't, Alexis. And it's what Kristina would want. You know that. She would want you to forgive
yourself and take care of you and that baby. And then you know what you and I are going to do?"
Alexis shook her head "no" against his chest.
"We're going to tell young Mr. or Miss Davis there all about the wonderful gift we had in our lives named Kristina,
and we're going to take all the love we would have given to her and give it to that little angel instead. Do you think you
can do that?"
She looked at him then, her cheeks tear stained, her face red and puffy from crying. Again, she broke Jax' heart with
the depth of her pain, but then, to his great relief, she gave him an almost imperceptible smile.
"I can try."
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